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AIBU?

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Original poster

partner keeping me a secret from ex

80 replies

actiontime · 25/04/2019 17:19

So to cut a long story short as the subject says im being kept a secret. Iv been with him for just over a year and im becomming suspicious recently, until the last month or so he didnt really get on with ex, he goes around there everyday after work to see his kids and on his days off he spends all day there with them. Me and him see each other but not much because hes always there or in work. Now i think its great he plays such an active role in his kids lives still BUT maybe im immature or insecure but when hes there im not allowed to text or call him and yesterday he was there from 11am - 10 pm and when he rang me when he got him he was drunk (he denied this but he could hardly talk) iv never brought anything up to him so he has no reason to lie and we dont talk about his ex . Its starting to feel like he has two lives.recently he talked about meeting my children and he wants to make it clear to my ex that im with him he also talks about me telling my family. Am i being unreasonable by expecting him to tell his ex hes with someone? I went on a facebook stalk last night and found out I am 25 years younger than this women and the is pictures of them together within the last year like bbqs and christmas etc and they are all sitting around having family meals etc. I dont even no what advice im looking for suppose im just looking for someone to tell me im being stupid and its normal but i feel like this is a red flag. How would it even work he meets my kids but i never meet his, we cant go out places together with, ,my kids because his cant come and they are the same age. Im going to cebeebies land in novemeber for two days and suggested if he gets along with the kids he can come but he said he cant because he would feel bad his own kids wasnt there. my sons birthday is july and im having a party at mine (hes 5) i suggested he comes because the will be lots of parents kids there so he can just blend but nope because hed feel bad over his kids not being at the party. Should i just cut my losses here? or is it possible to have a balance between previous kids and a new partner? Im only 29 and could possibly want more kids in the future but i feel like it would have to be a secret child so his ex didnt stop him seeing his kids. Im in two minds whether to message her on facebook.(I wont because of his kids but i hate myself for even the thought of it)

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 25/04/2019 18:20

I’ve been in the same situation OP and it didn’t end well. Turned out he was lying and trying to play both of us. It isn’t normal or fair to want to be that close to his ex AND keep you as well as a secret. Run for the hills!

Original poster
actiontime · 25/04/2019 18:24

oh im very aware she wants him back when we worked together she would come to work and try and talk to him but that was long before we got together but its been 2 years and until the last week or so it hasnt really clicked in my head then i started questioning everything and relaised this is not something i can put my kids through unless im 100% sure of

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 25/04/2019 18:26

They might have been genuinely newly separated for a while.

But it really sounds as if they are now together so much of the time that the only question is when he moves back in.

Don't introduce him to your DC for now. When will you meet his? If it's the twelfth of never, then you have the clearest possible answer

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 25/04/2019 18:28

Run as fast as you can. He is clearly still with her and he has no contact with some of his children, that on its own should be a deal breaker

Original poster
actiontime · 25/04/2019 18:51

yes that is something i brough up with him from day was his other kids he doesnt see they are grown ups now but i just pushed it to the back of my head and ignored it, think the light has been off in my head and its just come back on

OP posts:
Azure83 · 25/04/2019 18:55

They're still together.

BasilFaulty · 25/04/2019 19:01

Also, why was he drunk when he was supposed to be having contact time with his kids?? That says even more to me that he's just going over there to see shag her.
Sorry you're going through this OP. I'd suggest packing all his things from your house and leaving them outside his door. Absolute liberty.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 25/04/2019 19:05

I know this won't be pleasant to think about but you should probably go to the GUM clinic for a full check up/test too

Original poster
actiontime · 25/04/2019 19:07

yeah thats what stared my train of thought going over to see the kids but then getting drunk with someone you alledgedly hate and she hates him. Id be more than annoyed if my kids dad came over and got drunk when he should of been playing with them etc but then when he does come over he usually just takes them the park or mcdonalds not sit around the house because that would drive me insane

OP posts:
Original poster
actiontime · 25/04/2019 19:09

omgosh i never even thought of the getting checked Sad

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 25/04/2019 19:19

So he's only 37 now but has kids who are grown ups?

All sounds fishy OP I think you're right not to bring your kids into this. And definitely don't get pregnant.

Graphista · 25/04/2019 19:22

Well he sounds a Fucking prince - not!

Has children he doesn't see - does he pay maintenance for them? If you believe he does have you seen actual proof of this?

Claims this woman he sees every day that you're not allowed to contact him when he's there is an ex

Won't introduce you to his kids

BUT is trying to make you introduce him to your people

Wtf! Why are you bothering with this loser?!

I've just read your post out to my 18 yr old dd, she's just said "ugh ditch! He's shagging at least 2 of them and probably ons too"

Defo you need a full sti screening

Original poster
actiontime · 25/04/2019 19:24

he was in the army when his other kids where born she wouldnt wait around for him so she moved on with someone else and by the time he found out she had another kid to someone else and he left the army ........... or so he says i dont no maybe he doesnt even have any kids and everything is a lie. I have no proof either way iv never met them or even seen a picture of them

OP posts:
InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 25/04/2019 19:28

Have you met his friends properly?

Youseethethingis · 25/04/2019 19:31

Oh my goodness. I recommend deleting him from your life forthwith, no discussions, no wheedling, no second chances. You are 29 years old, you do not need this shit in your life. Please don’t waste years listening to excuses and compromising on what you want/need/deserve from a partner. You and your children deserve better.Flowers
Won’t ruin the post by telling you what I think HE deserves. Angry

Original poster
actiontime · 25/04/2019 19:31

He claims to not have any he lost contact when he got with his ex

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 25/04/2019 19:32

What an absolutely bizarre story. He has grown up kids at the age of 37 he doesn't see is bad enough in itself. That would be enough for me to throw in the towel, but all the no texting and switching off phones, getting pissed with his 'ex' isjust way too much.

He is a liar and you can't trust him.

Dump him.

Original poster
actiontime · 25/04/2019 19:35

Im sort of glad thank you all. I was really starting to question if I was too immature for relationships with kids I havent had one since i broke up with my ex 4 years ago and im unsure what is normal and what isnt and i sure was not introducing him to mine unless i was definate

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 25/04/2019 19:39

Ghost him immediately, and tell the poor 'OW' what's been going on as she serves better too.

He really sounds like an utter cunt, and riddled with holes, lies and sti's

Very sorry Flowers

MitziK · 25/04/2019 19:40

Depends.

When DP's XW found out he was seeing somebody, a mere eight years since their divorce and seven since her new DP had moved in, she went batshit and immediately cut off all contact/instigated the 'they don't want to see you' protocol.

He's now a man who doesn't see his children as a result, so he was absolutely right to ask if I could avoid contacting him when he was with them, as she'd immediately gone into 'who was that texting? Is it a woman?' mode and contacting mutual friends to find out whether I was his GF when we weren't even dating, he was just a mate.

NaBiAgOl · 25/04/2019 19:43

he's really painted himself as a knight in shining armour to her chaotic cheating and reproducing. It doesn't ring true at all.
He's still with her.

NaBiAgOl · 25/04/2019 19:45

Yeh I wouldn't bother even ''breaking it off''. Just stop bother to respond. Leave responses longer and longer, and if he asks you tell him that you're not feeling it, good luck

Original poster
actiontime · 25/04/2019 19:46

Mitzik that sounds similer to what happened to other kids with their dads thats why i belived it BUT hes there sometimes from morning till night and he doesnt have two seconds to text, he doesnt go the toilet once in 12 hours? is she just standing over his shoulder? and the getting drunk, Im a doormat and iv been used im accepting it Wine

OP posts:
InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 25/04/2019 19:49

Oh gosh. Sorry, but you now know what it means.

Princessphoebe75 · 25/04/2019 19:52

Oh sorry OP as all PPs have said they're still together. He's spending more of his time with his 'ex' than with you, his current partner. Dump him, enjoy your time with your kids, move on, be happy and you will meet someone who deserves you Flowers