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Original poster

Advice for friend who's the OW

70 replies

Diddledumdiddledee · 25/04/2019 16:44

I'm meeting my friend tomorrow for a catch up. I haven't seen her in a while and I've heard from someone else that she's now in a relationship with someone 10-15 years older who's married with kids.

It's possible she'll confide in me about this relationship, so if she does, what can I say to discourage her from this relationship? I guess it's her life and she can do what she wants, but I've always been a bit of a sister figure over the years so I think she'd value my input.

Last year she broke up with a long term partner because she didn't feel ready to settle down. She lost her sister suddenly at a young age, so perhaps that's affected her attitude to relationships?

What can I say, or should I just keep my nose out?

OP posts:
Reaah · 25/04/2019 18:43

I would ask her if she really wanted to be second best in his eyes. Not worthy of a relationship, only good enough to fuck when he feels like lying to his wife to get a fuck.

Kennehora · 25/04/2019 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Raffles1981 · 25/04/2019 20:00

Your comments make it quite clear that you have no concern or empathy for the pain you caused. Utterly selfish and shameful

You could not be further from the truth. You have no idea what I felt or feel and you never will from the words I post on here. How incredibly judgemental of you. My life has been painful, hurtful and ugly - I have suffered at the hands of people who were supposed to protect me. Years of counseling means I can talk about certain things and discuss things like this and not get emotional every time. I don't need to express my guilt, sadness and pain just so you don't judge me.

CaravanHero · 25/04/2019 23:02

Stop being a cunt and leave married men alone

Annoys me.Currently, four married men are in serious pursuit of me.
I am not the ‘cunt’ in this situation (though it’s mine they want to access). Single women are not obliged to police other people’s marriages. Control your own fucking husbands

Four married men are in ‘serious pursuit’ of you?!?

Even after you’ve told them to fuck off? All four are still ‘pursuing’ you?

Are you a character from Downton Abby with an impressive dowry on offer?

justarandomtricycle · 25/04/2019 23:34

Pursuing or entertaining a relationship with someone who is married and has children is a bad thing to do, totally regardless of whether the married person is even interested, and being single yourself doesn't make the slightest bit of difference to whether it's ok to knowingly participate in exploding a marriage and family where children are involved. Just because someone has passed the sentence, doesn't mean you have to help swing the axe.

Anyway that aside, in real life, I would rarely judge and condemn friends in the way some people are suggesting here - I don't think many of us would. Life is imperfect and we all make mistakes and bad choices - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. I have actually gone in both directions on this one before and I have to admit the friend who is still a friend now I have lost some respect for, although she has married and started a family with the man. I can't help that, it was just really horrid and nasty feeling when it was going on and really I just wish I never knew.

Still, we love and support our friends in the hope that things will turn out alright - sometimes that requires tough love (even at the expense of the friendship) and sometimes you have to just be there to help pick up the pieces or provide a glass of wine and a shoulder to cry on when needed. Only you can have a decent guess, OP, what this situation requires, all I can say is that whatever you say and do, say and do it in a spirit of love for your friend.

Original poster
Diddledumdiddledee · 25/04/2019 23:44

I think she's a sensible woman who knows what she's doing, but at the same time... Sometimes people do stupid stuff! If she's scared of commitment then a relationship that's patently going nowhere might seem like a great idea (even unconsciously). It remains to be seen whether it's a bit of fun or she's convinced he's the one for her... Confused

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 25/04/2019 23:49

@Caravan
No. A lot of men are just like that.

bebeboeuf · 25/04/2019 23:54

Yes just be a friend and listen.
She knows she’s doing wrong as does the bloke.

Fiveredbricks · 26/04/2019 00:02

@Kennehora "betrayal of another woman"

Sorry I didn't realise women all owed eachother something or we're an automatic sisterhood because we happen to all have vaginas? Hmm What a bizarre and creepy statement 😳

Fiveredbricks · 26/04/2019 00:06

@CaravanHero agreeing with the pp, I have at least three married men I could text right now, at midnight, and they would be at my door at 6.30am with a smile. One would be here in half an hour actually. And I'm not even single!!

It's not the women that are generally the big problem here. They are not responsible in any way for what a married man does with his own dick. That is 100% his own doing and if it wasnt with her it would be with someone else.

justarandomtricycle · 26/04/2019 00:24

While it's fair to say you have no commitment to the injured spouse in terms of a marriage, an adult is still responsible for their choice to participate in things that hurt children. Even if it would have happened anyway, you choose to play your part, you are responsible for your part. That's not cancelled out by someone else also contributing towards the same miserable end, that would be ridiculous.

Anyway all of that aside, I think you just have to be there for her if you feel like you can. In the past I have also had the conversation that goes, "I don't want to hear about this, i hate that it is assumed i would be ok with it" but that doesn't sound like a good fit here. Go, enjoy your time together, be her friend. Be honest about it once without judgment perhaps, then move on.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/04/2019 00:25

I also have several married men who have made their intentions clear, and are still hanging around in the hopes I suddenly trip over and land on one of their cocks.

Never happened before in years of marriage, but since I got divorced they are all over the fucking place. I could call 3 now and have them here within minutes, and one would be here within 24 hours. Its pathetic, but some men really do think that a single woman must be so desperate that she will immediately jump at his "attractive" offer. Clearly enough do to perpetuate this myth though ..... :(

justarandomtricycle · 26/04/2019 00:39

Just wanted to add that I have 103 married men milling about in my back garden, occasionally scratching at the door, andwaiting with baited breath for a coquettish smile from me. They could all be in here within 1.3 seconds, less if I left the door unlocked.

bebeboeuf · 26/04/2019 00:41

I take your 103 and raise you 247 men who swarm around waiting for the signal.

Macandcheese05 · 26/04/2019 02:02

@justarandomtricycle OPEN THE DOOR AND LET THEM IN FOR GOD SAKE!

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/04/2019 03:03

Its not so funny when the husband of a friend, a man you previously trusted, comes on to you within weeks of you seperating because "You must be lonely...." and then comes out with the usual crap about how his wife doesnt understand him.

And then it happens again, and again.

I am thankful that I am happy being single because I will never trust a man again as long as I live. I have seen what they are capable of, and not just the cunt I married.

Catren · 26/04/2019 04:13

If she confides in you it'll be because she thinks you'll be interested in her romance. She's probably swept up in the excitement, feeling wanted and the secretive nature of the relationship. If you judge her she'll probably cut contact with you or take it badly, certainly won't change. My advice is to tell her you're not here to judge, but it's probably not best for her (ignore the dw, she won't care), and that you'll be there for her but don't think it's a good idea that she continues with the affair. Paint a picture of the guy so she can see do he truly is, a cheating bastard who doesn't respect women. Gross.

If she doesn't raise it, you should tell her you've found out through another person and she's clearly not hiding it very well and it could end very badly if there are rumours etc. Might give her the fright she needs.

FWIW i'm not condoning it, i just know how this sort of thing works and she's not in a state of mind to talk rationally about morals etc as she's in the throes of a new relationship.

PregnantSea · 26/04/2019 04:58

I wouldn't try and discourage her from anything. She's an adult and she'll do what she wants. If she asks you about it then by all means tell her that you wouldn't go down this road because of X y and z, but if she doesn't directly ask I'd keep my mouth shut.

I know it's hard to watch when a loved friend does something stupid but people are allowed to make their own mistakes. She won't thank you for what she will see as you judging her. All you can do is be there with the tissues and a bottle of wine when it all goes wrong. That's what friends are for.

Original poster
Diddledumdiddledee · 28/04/2019 19:40

Just as a little update, my friend did confide in me, but it was to say that it was over. Mutual decision that things weren't working out. I was sympathetic, and encouraged her to look for someone who can make her a priority. It's still a bit raw, but I think she knows it's for the best.

OP posts:
justarandomtricycle · 28/04/2019 19:50

Thanks for the update, OP. Result really, as harsh as it sounds it is probably best for everyone, and at least she has a friend who thinks long and hard about how to be a good friend. Go you Wine

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