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Original poster

Advice for friend who's the OW

70 replies

Diddledumdiddledee · 25/04/2019 16:44

I'm meeting my friend tomorrow for a catch up. I haven't seen her in a while and I've heard from someone else that she's now in a relationship with someone 10-15 years older who's married with kids.

It's possible she'll confide in me about this relationship, so if she does, what can I say to discourage her from this relationship? I guess it's her life and she can do what she wants, but I've always been a bit of a sister figure over the years so I think she'd value my input.

Last year she broke up with a long term partner because she didn't feel ready to settle down. She lost her sister suddenly at a young age, so perhaps that's affected her attitude to relationships?

What can I say, or should I just keep my nose out?

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 17:19

remind her that whatever sob story hes spun her regarding his wife, the wife is still the person who he has kids with, wakes up with, plans his future with and takes to events on his arm. tell her shes worth more.

This, just this.

Also, that just because she's not the one technically cheating doesn't make her morals any better than his!

But everything in the above comment from PP sums it up for me. If he's prepared to lie, cheat on and disrespect his wife and the mother of his children, what on earth makes her think he's being honest with her?

(I'd recommend an STD test too since he clearly has the morals of an alley cat!)

Raffles1981 · 25/04/2019 17:23

Redleopard- well said. I wish I was half as perfect at the women on here. My mother cheated, my father and step father cheated. I have cheated and been cheated on. I'm not perfect, but I have sorted myself out and learned self respect. But if I knew a friend who was cheating, I would never judge her as harshly as they do on here. People do stupid things in life when they are sad and or lonely. This is not a clear cut situation.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 17:25

Raffles1981 in the kindest possible way, how someone is feeling doesn't give them the right to blow someone's life apart and then just move on.

People judge harshly because they know the implications of such actions.

Bluesheep8 · 25/04/2019 17:25

Say nothing unless she brings it up and asks directly got your opinion. I say this for two good reasons:

  1. It might not even be true
  2. It's none of your business until she makes it so.
Simple
Bluesheep8 · 25/04/2019 17:26

Asks directly FOR your opinion!

StrawberryStarburst · 25/04/2019 17:26

What @Macandcheese05 said!

brizzlemint · 25/04/2019 17:31

Both of them should be told in no uncertain terms to stop. She's no worse than he is.

Original poster
Diddledumdiddledee · 25/04/2019 17:31

Is the person who told you she was seeing a married man a reliable source?

Definitely reliable source. No ulterior motives possible.

Also won't consider cutting her out or using any of the "bitch/cunt" suggestions, thanks :)

OP posts:
Raffles1981 · 25/04/2019 17:32

InTheHeatofLisbon- agreed. I'm not saying her behaviour is acceptable. I'm saying she is sad and he could be the only good thing in her life at the moment. From her point of view. And she doesn't need a lecture, she just needs to be told she is worth much more than this. Judgement is not the answer.

Kennehora · 25/04/2019 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 17:37

Raffles1981 I agree that she definitely needs to be told she's worth more!

I also agree that using extreme language like bitch (a particularly misogynistic horrid word anyway) and cunt is totally uncalled for.

I do think that she needs to understand the impact of her actions though.

He does, more so, but OP doesn't know him. He sounds like a despicable human being.

Petalflowers · 25/04/2019 17:37

I wouldn’t mention it. If she did (either just him, or the OW situation) I’d say “look, I’ve heard it’s an affair. I can’t agree with that, and quite aside from the fact it’s wrong, I don’t like to think of you not having a real relationship. You’re my friend and I love you. But it’s not something I’m prepared to give airtime to.”

I agree with this.

Kennehora · 25/04/2019 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NuclearReactor · 25/04/2019 17:41

When/if she tells you, you could say either "ok, do you want my advice or my opinion on the matter?" Or "I'm sorry I don't want to talk about it as I can't and won't support you through that type of relationship"

If you jump and give your opinion she might get pissed off, if she asks for your advice then it means she trusts you and thinks you can talk sense into her.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 25/04/2019 17:45

Also, that just because she's not the one technically cheating doesn't make her morals any better than his!

But it IS different because she's not betraying anyone, whereas he is betraying his wife and kids.

I would judge a friend who is married and having an affair far more harshly than someone who is single and in a relationship with an attached person. She is probably being told a load of BS by this man, I would support her but I wouldn't judge her. I'd judge him though.

Kaddm · 25/04/2019 17:45

It’s horrifically painful to be cheated on

I don’t really know what to say other than that

MegaClutterSlut · 25/04/2019 17:46

Tbh just someone mentioning to me that he's probably still got his wife's dna on his dick would be enough to put me off. Yuck!

Raspberrytruffle · 25/04/2019 17:46

If he is prepared to lie and cheat to his dw he will do the same to your dfreind, the comment abought "poor defenceless men"
Is absolutely stupid I agree tell your friend to either work on her emotional issues or find someone available, "his poor wife" seems more appropriate she is the one getting lied to and cheated on. I'm not having a go about your dfreind being the ow because the pig of a man is just as bad it takes two 2 tango but friend should have some morals and decency and tell married man to piss of and stop trying it on with her and to remind him hes married. I feel your friend is vulnerable and this pig of a man knows it and has took advantage, just be a friend and encourage her to get counselling

Kaddm · 25/04/2019 17:46

Perhaps from her POV he isn’t a great prospect if he’s willing to cheat on his wife.

Raffles1981 · 25/04/2019 17:50

Is she? On what basis do you think this?

My personal opinion. As someone who has been on both sides of the fence. I wasn't cheating because my marriage was in excellent condition. And I was definitely not happy and secure at the time and I was looking for happiness.

RomanyQueen1 · 25/04/2019 17:50

I'd tell her to hope he doesn't leave his wife for her, as they'll be a vacancy.
I'd ask why she had no self respect?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 17:50

I would judge a friend who is married and having an affair far more harshly than someone who is single and in a relationship with an attached person*

For me, if the single person knows the other person isn't, they're not great morally either tbh.

She is probably being told a load of BS by this man

Please let's not paint her as a victim. She's a grown woman.

barryfromclareisfit · 25/04/2019 17:51

Stop being a cunt and leave married men alone.

Annoys me.
Currently, four married men are in serious pursuit of me.
I am not the ‘cunt’ in this situation (though it’s mine they want to access).
Single women are not obliged to police other people’s marriages. Control your own fucking husbands.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 18:11

Currently, four married men are in serious pursuit of me.

Presumably you're not shagging them though? Therefore they are the cunts in that situation.

Loopytiles · 25/04/2019 18:34

Four?

Are you Samantha Brick?