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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is no way out of this sodden marriage.

48 replies

Starsmum77 · 25/04/2019 14:41

Married for 15 years, dc 9 and 6, no family to help closeby. DH is self-employed, I work unsocial contracted hours, early starts and late finishes plus night shift. We have dc equally and occasionally pay for childcare or ask friends to help. I pay almost all of the bills, he pays for the mortgage. He is good at hiding his income to the extent I really don't know how much he makes. I know that his business is growing.

Every time we have a disagreement he threatens not to have the kids when I go to work, leaving me destitute. He is very abusive, name calling, every single name under the sun. Shouting at me in front of the dc. Yesterday, I was late coming from work, nipped in ASDA to pick up ds sch uniform, I had a welcome party, before i even got out of the car. Poor dd 6 had a friend, she covered her freind's little ears so she wouldn't hear her dad's swearing at me on the drive.

Everything we own is in his name only, the house, a property in another country, 3 cars, a jet ski and a motorbike. Why do I accept this you ask "for peace". I know i need to leave him, but i cannot see how i would be able to work as a single parent. Unsociable hours means its hard to get paid childcare. Today following on from yesterday, he has played his last card - if I walk out he will have nothing to do with the children.
Has anyone been through this before. I feel so trapped, we really don't have a relationship since dd was born 6 years ago if am honest apart from the childcare arrangement. He is ville, but these are his dc. Sorry for the ramblings.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 25/04/2019 14:44

Start looking for another job

SapatSea · 25/04/2019 14:45

You are married so likely to get at least half of everything, go and see a solicitor and get "yor ducks in a row". Start squirreling away bits of money and make a plan to leave. Retrain or change job if you have to, you need to get your DC away. He will probably claim you can't leave with the the DC or that he wants custody, many men do this but then back down. He is vile, GO

mummmy2017 · 25/04/2019 14:46

Well if he has it all in his name he is in for a shock. Your married you own half..
And yes you can offset the UK stuff against the house abroad..

HollowTalk · 25/04/2019 14:48

Your focus should be on getting a job with regular hours. Luckily you are married (that was such a relief to read that!) so you will have the right to share in whatever money or property he has. Speak to a solicitor, try to get another job and focus on the middle distance when you can get rid of this horrible man.

ziggiestardust · 25/04/2019 14:48

Yep, get proof of everything you can... but is there any way you can have HIM removed rather than leaving your home? He is abusive and shouting at you on the drive in front of your DD’s friend... that sounds like he could be escalating.

Quartz2208 · 25/04/2019 14:50

legal advice - you are married so that is a helpful start

blackteasplease · 25/04/2019 14:50

If you're married it matters not a bit that it's all in his name. And he will have to disclose everything he has in financial settlement when you divorce.

So he won't have the kids at all? Get that in a written agreement and /or court order for the kids to live with you pre financial settlement proceedings. Then you can show it to the court dealing with finances to show your housing needs far outweigh his. It will take time but you should get the bulk of the family money if this is the case.

Also look for a different job you can do in paid childcare hours around school. Even if pay is less. Thus can be taken into account in financial settlement too.

Starting point is not 50:50 split of money, starting point is whose needs, especially housing needs of the children, is greatest, with all.money in the pot.

blackteasplease · 25/04/2019 14:51

I was so relieved to read you are married too!

recrudescence · 25/04/2019 14:51

Get legal advice ASAP. You will be entitled to much more than you think. Good luck and best wishes.

mummmy2017 · 25/04/2019 14:53

Any saving he has, are half yours as well...
All assets infact.

FingersMcGinty · 25/04/2019 15:02

I agree with everything everyone has said already but can I add DO NOT tell him any of what you are doing regarding "his" money etc. I advised a friend in similar circumstances to contact Women`s Aid and also get legal advice but not to mention anything to her husband as he may retaliate. During an argument they were having she blurted out everything she was doing which gave him time to change all his accounts and properties into another family members name.

cheeseandpineapple · 25/04/2019 15:08

Agree with don’t tell him. Get some legal advice as you should get your equitable and occupational interest registered against the properties and work out when that should be done in parallel with a divorce petition. You should be entitled to half under uk law even if not in your name and outside the uk.

blackteasplease · 25/04/2019 15:09

Yes defo don't tell him!

NabooThatsWho · 25/04/2019 15:12

You can find another job. It’s not impossible. Your and your DCs well-being comes before a job.

He won’t take anything to do with the DCs if you leave? Erm...is that not a good thing? He’s an abusive cunt who doesn’t deserve to be around innocent children.

Just take a breather and start getting things organised. You can do this. You aren’t trapped.

canadianbanana · 25/04/2019 15:14

I used to work for a law firm, and you’d be amazed at what info we could find out on “hidden” money and investments. “His” money is not his money - if you’re married, you are entitled to part of the growth in his income. The courts assume you contributed to the increase in your joint worth. Whether a direct financial contribution, or caring for children and house, thereby freeing him to work long hours, travel, or whatever has been necessary, to increase that worth. Get a lawyer, find out what your actual rights are.

FFSFFSFFS · 25/04/2019 15:20

Well you're failing to protect your children if you don't leave him

Him having nothing to do with the children is a ridiculous excuse not to leave.

Of course you can find a way to leave. It will undoubtedly be difficult to leave - but not more so than staying. And definitely for your children it will be much easier for them if you leave instead of staying.

Your children are being damaged every single day they are in that environment if it as toxic as you say it is. Their need to be protected comes first.

FingersMcGinty · 25/04/2019 15:23

If that was aimed at me canadianbanana I used " his" money because so many men use this term as a threat.

HennyPennyHorror · 25/04/2019 15:24

Your DD had to cover her friends ears.

Who cares if he has nothing to do with them after that?

You will get financial help...you will also be entitled to some of the house profits. Doesn't matter it's in his name.

Tell someone...get help from someone. Take the kids and see a solicitor immediately.

Original poster
Starsmum77 · 25/04/2019 15:25

Thank you, everyone, for your moral support and encouragement, before I came here I was looking at legal fees and got frightened. I will explore this more. Job is nursing, with 24-hour care provisions there are not many services that will have preferable hours but I will remain optimistic. I will start looking at other job prospects.

OP posts:
weaseley · 25/04/2019 15:27

Your children are not benefiting from a relationship with him by you staying. They are enduring it.

HennyPennyHorror · 25/04/2019 15:27

Do you have any family OP? Parents? Siblings?

Original poster
Starsmum77 · 25/04/2019 15:32

All family are on another continent... I have good friends though.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/04/2019 15:37

Might you be in an area where an au pair would be possible for overnights etc?

You’ll find a solution. Don’t stay. Quite frankly if he threatens not to see his own kids he can’t possibly love them like they need anyway so he’s no loss.

UniversalAunt · 25/04/2019 15:40

Big deep breath... & start to prepare.

Keep notes of what he says & when.
Key words on an email you send to new password protected email account. Just enough information as a summary. This will show an overall pattern of behaviours.

Whilst you have the house to yourself, start collecting important documentation, e.g. proof of his income(s), tax payments, investments, & expenditures etc. Any kind of National Insurance numbers, tax codes etc. Make a note of these, photograph them on your phone, email to your new password protected email address/cloud account & then delete the phone images.

Find out who his solicitor - because you then know not to approach them for anything legal because they may let him know of your enquiry- & accountants are. In due course, your own solicitor may find this information helpful.

Go see a solicitor who specialises in divorce. The Law Society webpage has a search facility for legal specialists by area. Have an initial consultation to find out where you stand legally in light of his abusive & unreasonable behaviours. You may have grounds for him leaving the house.

Last but by no means least, talk to Womens Aid for support.

Once you have peace in the house & your life is more settled, look for new work & fresh start. Not easy-Peary, but it can be done.

UniversalAunt · 25/04/2019 15:40

Easy-peasy...