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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend the truth?

40 replies

FartyBug · 25/04/2019 13:17

Friend (A) has asked me why I didn't invite her somewhere and the truth is, I didn't because she was down, some of it due to failed attempts at TTC. It was dinner with myself and a friend (B) and we both have babies of a certain age. Friend A and B are not friends otherwise and have no other contact unless they see each other at an event I invite them both to (not often but there is more to that). I was trying to protect her feelings now she's upset that she was excluded.

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 25/04/2019 13:20

You simply say you were seeing B and it wasnt in your remit to invite A.

squirrelnutkins1 · 25/04/2019 13:20

What reason did you give?

LetsSplashMummy · 25/04/2019 13:22

I think it is totally normal to go out for dinner with a friend without having to justify why other friends (who don't know that friend) weren't invited.

I would just make plans to see A, don't tell her that you had decided it would be upsetting (that's her call), just that you didn't think she knew B that well... then change tack...when shall we get together?

desparate4sleep · 25/04/2019 13:23

I suspect she thinks she wasn't invited because she doesn't have a baby and is wanting you to confirm this. This will just make her feel worse that not only can she not have a baby but now her friend is excluding her because of it. Just say sorry B arranged it and I didn't think. Then ask her next time.

Witchofzog · 25/04/2019 13:25

Would you normally invite friend A?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/04/2019 13:26

You dont have to invite her no...but do not tell her its because shes ttc or that you two have babies!!!!!

Original poster

FartyBug · 25/04/2019 13:27

Posted too soon and trying to message on my lunch! I made it worse by telling friend A that friend B cancelled and asked if she wanted to meet up. Not because I was bored or anything but because I had to cancel the day before with friend A and felt bad.

I haven't given one.

OP posts:

NixNopeNah · 25/04/2019 13:27

I wouldn't tell the truth in this scenario. In fact it would be cruel to say this is why.

Just apologize and say you didn't think as it was impromptu and ask if she'd like to catch up just you and her.

Then when you do, don't talk too much about your kid and listen and support her if she needs to talk about her issues ttc.

Yanbu to exclude her if you know it'll all be baby chat and that this would bring her down but she is nbu to feel a bit hurt. Invest some time in her one on one and she will get over it.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 25/04/2019 13:27

She sounds overbearing. But I wouldn’t tell her it’s due to TTC/babies. If A and B don’t see each other otherwise, just say you were catching up with B 1:1 about stuff going on in her life and then change the subject.

Drum2018 · 25/04/2019 13:31

She's being petty. Most people have different groups of friends who wouldn't regularly overlap. Just tell her you were simply catching up with B and act surprised that she would even question it, no further explanation required.

BlueSkiesLies · 25/04/2019 13:31

Just say it was dinner a deux with Friend B and it wasn't a group type of thing.

BottleOfJameson · 25/04/2019 13:33

Surely you just say that it was a catch up with friend B and not a group meal?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/04/2019 13:36

As they said. Just raise your eyebrows and say it was just a lunch, not a group meeting! She either does or does not want to have lunch with you! She can't demand you ALWAYS have lunch wth her or that she gets and invitation to ALL lunches you do have.

So don't let her guilt trip you. Just laugh and ask her yay or nay?

KaterinaPetrova · 25/04/2019 13:39

Because you were going out for dinner with B. Not every event is a party needing others invited.

Snowglobes · 25/04/2019 13:41

I think I understand...So you invited friend B to lunch but B cancelled so you asked A to join you instead but told A that B had cancelled? I probably wouldn’t have mentioned B at all but given that you have it is a bit bizarre if A and B don’t know each other that A expects you to invite her along every time you see B. If you see A without B and vice versus then I’d just say it’s so nice to have one to one time with both A and B as well as group times. It’s a non issue and I wouldn’t make it one. I guess you see them individually and I’d just say that.

Cbatothinkofaname · 25/04/2019 13:42

So you’d planned to meet friend A the day before you’d planned to see friend B? I can’t see a problem tbh. It’s fine to see friends separately. Before I had my own kids, lunch with 2 friends each with a kid in tow wouldn’t have been top of my list anyway. Maybe do an evening drink thing without kids if you want to all meet together but it sounds as though the two friendships are quite separate

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 25/04/2019 13:44

It was very rude of you to ask B if she wanted to meet up because A had cancelled and you were at a loose end.
Who does that?

Bouledeneige · 25/04/2019 13:50

I have never asked someone why I wasn't invited to something. I'm too proud so I guess friend A is pretty low if she's saying stuff like that. But she doesn't have a right to expect to be invited when you're seeing a another friend.

But I'd probably avoid telling someone they were a substitute date!

BottleOfJameson · 25/04/2019 13:54

I do think you're missing out part of your explanation. How did any of this come up? Surely in your life you've had lots of lunches and dinners that didn't include friend A. Why was all the stuff about "sparing her feelings" and having babies/TTC have anything to do with it?

HomeMadeMadness · 25/04/2019 13:59

This post doesn't make any sense. If they barely know each other how did A even know about the dinner and why did you feel the need to "spare her feelings"? Why does her TTC and you and B having babies come into it? If you were literally just having lunch with a friend why would you be thinking of inviting a totally unrelated friend and then decide against it because she was down?

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 14:11

No i wouldn't tell her that, it's mean and will make her feel worse. Just tell her you didn't think of it, sorry

IvanaPee · 25/04/2019 14:14

What?

mummmy2017 · 25/04/2019 14:18

If you don't sort it now, you will never be able to join at have a quiet meal with B.
Just tell A that you were just catching up with B...
As said ask her if she wants too go for a meal...
If she asks about B again, just say as someone said, that it was not a party....

Snowglobes · 25/04/2019 14:22

Oh you had cancelled A the day before? So maybe she was feeling a bit low that you’d cancelled but was able to see B but then B cancelled so you re-invite A. Is that right? If so, I can see why A may be a bit put out. You have a date with A on day 1 but cancel it, a date with B on day 2 but B cancels it so you suggest day 2 to B but didn’t invite B to day 2 instead of day 1 initially as it’d be baby talk. Is this right? And then you’ve now invited A to day 2 but told her B cancelled? Regardless, it still stands that you can see them individually.

KC225 · 25/04/2019 14:23

If she asks all you have to say is 'B' is going through a bit of a rough time at them moment and just needed to talk. Don't mention you feel uncomfortable discussing babies around her.

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