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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend the truth?

40 replies

FartyBug · 25/04/2019 13:17

Friend (A) has asked me why I didn't invite her somewhere and the truth is, I didn't because she was down, some of it due to failed attempts at TTC. It was dinner with myself and a friend (B) and we both have babies of a certain age. Friend A and B are not friends otherwise and have no other contact unless they see each other at an event I invite them both to (not often but there is more to that). I was trying to protect her feelings now she's upset that she was excluded.

OP posts:

Snowglobes · 25/04/2019 14:25

I’m wondering that because you had to cancel A on day 1 that you considered inviting her along on day 2 with B but thought it’d be too baby focused. This is fine but don’t rub it in by saying this. Just meet for lunch and say how nice one to ones are as well as groups.

BlueSkiesLies · 25/04/2019 14:28

Oh right, you ditched A for a better offer with B, then B ditched you and you wanted A to hang back out with you.

THAT is why she is upset!

FrenchJunebug · 25/04/2019 14:30

yabu for not giving her the choice to decline the invitation or not and to decide FOR HER that she cannot be around women who have babies whilst she is TTC.

Springwalk · 25/04/2019 14:32

Friend A may now feel second best because you only asked to see her when friend B cancelled on you.

From her point of view that must seem quite rude, and the fact she is TTC is a red herring really.

You can see friends when you wish, you don't have to invite others. However it is bad manners to let them know they weren't invited, and then use them as a last resort.

In this circumstance if I was Friend A I may choose to spend (much) less time with you from now on, and I may like to feel I am valued and respected in my own right and not just your stop gap when other social engagements have fallen through.

I think Friend A can probably do much better to be honest.

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2019 14:36

I don't really understand,

So you were supposed to go out with friend a. You cancelled.
The next day you were supposed to go out with friend b. You did not invite a. Friend b cancelled.
So then you asked friend a if she would like to go out, as friend b had cancelled.
Friend a asked why she hadn't been invited as you'd cancelled on her the day before,and were now wanting to go out with her, purely because friend b cancelled.

Is this right?

HomeMadeMadness · 25/04/2019 14:45

Oh I missed your update. I do get the impression you ditched friend A because she was a downer and you wanted to talk about babies and happy stuff with friend B, friend B then cancelled on you and you thought you may as well hang out with friend A then. A has somewhat picked up on this and is understandably hurt?

acalmerfuture · 25/04/2019 14:48

I think I understand...So you invited friend B to lunch but B cancelled so you asked A to join you instead but told A that B had cancelled?

Ok, if this is what had happened, then I suspect that what A is really getting at is 'why am I the back up option - why wasn't I good enough for the original option instead of being the fall back plan?'

EffYouSeeKaye · 25/04/2019 14:52

I’m reading it as you had a separate plan of some sort with A, The day before your dinner with B. When B cancelled the dinner, you were then free and wondered if A would like to meet up, given that you had had to cancel your recent plans with her. Is that right? You didn’t cancel A in favour of dinner with B?

If that’s the case then it’s not so bad, but you have dropped yourself in it a bit by explaining why you are suddenly free and letting skip that you had a dinner planned with a mutual friend, to which she was not invited.

Anyway, you haven’t really done anything wrong. As others have suggested, just say that it was a dinner for two, or B arranges it / needed to talk or something and quickly move on to making new plans with A.

beachysandy81 · 25/04/2019 14:53

Just say as you were meeting her the day before you didn't think she would want to see you 2 days running. As it turned out you couldn't make that day so you invited her the next day instead. Not sure why you needed to tell her you were meeting with B in the first place.

EffYouSeeKaye · 25/04/2019 14:54

*letting slip

Ihatehashtags · 25/04/2019 16:15

She’d probably have been bored anyway. Nothing worse than when conversations are only about kids. Boring!

Original poster

FartyBug · 25/04/2019 17:22

This might explain it better:

The same week I was meant to go out with A but I had a meeting to do with my DC that I had forgotten about so had to cancel.

When I cancelled with A, I didn't think about inviting her A along with me and B (which I'd already arranged before this) as it was pretty child centred and I was conscious of the issues TTC. So when B cancelled, I asked if A wanted to meet up because 1) I had cancelled earlier in the week and 2) I wanted to see A before she went on a long holiday.

As mentioned, it wasn't because my plans fell through and I was twiddling my fingers and bored on my own, I have been trying to make a huge effort to see A whenever suits her and felt bad cancelling.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 25/04/2019 17:26

I think you're best to tell a white lie anyhow OP, I think the truth would make her feel evenmore down

SouthernComforts · 25/04/2019 17:26

Sounds like a lot of fuss over nothing.

Original poster

FartyBug · 25/04/2019 23:55

No, I hadn't cancelled anything in favour of B.

In fact, my DH reminded me that the reason my plans with A got cancelled was that I actually said 'sorry A, I have to move meeting up until later, is that OK?' and A said, 'no, sorry, we'll meet another time then'.

Exactly, Ihatehashtags!

OP posts:

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