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Original poster

To worry about dh never seeing baby

32 replies

MaidofMuswell · 25/04/2019 08:38

Post on this all the time these days but always get helpful advice! So, dh leaves for work at seven and home by sevenish. By that time three month old knackered and often still bit colicky so we are in a dark room settling and dh takes lead with three year old bath and having tea with him. Worked pretty hard to get to point that tea ready for them and baby ready for bed and down by half seven (am crap at routine and logistics) but all works ok now apart from fact dh never sees baby in the week. She’s so gorgeous and lovely with me and in the day but less relaxed and more reserved with him at weekends and honestly think because she doesn’t properly know him. Can’t see any way round this really - his work is not flexible and pays bills and my mat pay runs out v soon, just wonder has anyone been in same boat and either have an idea about better way to make evenings work or experience of how can get easier with time?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 25/04/2019 08:47

Have your dh do some evening settling with her, if possible, and spend lots of quality time together on weekends. Wearing her in a sling is great for bonding.

Really though it will be fine. I am your dh and work 6am-7pm, though I didn’t go back to work til my youngest was 12 months. They get lots of quality time with my dh during the week and I prioritise time with them on the weekends.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/04/2019 08:55

Ard you 100pc sure his work isn't flexible? Only ask as I do know of situations where the husband has told the wife that but hasn't actually asked work for any flexibility - just assuming they'll say no. Turns out they could have started and finished earlier a day a week or so, or worked from home once a week or whatever so that they can see their kids a bit more

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2019 08:58

This is one of the reasons we co slept. When dd was born dp’s work was like this or worse. But he and dd had lots of nighttime cuddles. I thin it really helped.

Jasging · 25/04/2019 08:59

Don't worry I've been there. Still am to a degree with a husband who does 70+ hours a week. My girls adore their dad though and have a great relationship. I think they prefer him to me who is always there!

Cmagic7 · 25/04/2019 09:00

Unfortunately I think a lot of people are in your shoes these days OP.

crispysausagerolls · 25/04/2019 09:00

DH never sees DS during the week but they are SO close now! He’s 9.5 months and he adores DH, simply from weekend time and cosleeping (which I think helps a little as he can smell him)

sar302 · 25/04/2019 09:05

What time does he baby wake up? My husband is out of the house from 7-7 for work, but our little boy is awake anytime between 6 and 6.30, so my husband spends the morning with him (whilst getting ready.) at 17 months, if I go and get him out of bed, my little boy looks at me like Hmm"Dada", so he knows daddy should be getting him! That's definitely helped them bond.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2019 09:10

Presumably you don't go into the dark room until he's home becasue of supervising 3 yo so could he take her in instead a few nights? It'll take him a little longer to start with but that's fine.

Then lots of Daddy time at weekends.

It'll get there. Cumulatively she will get to know he's Daddy and she loves him

Houseonahill · 25/04/2019 09:11

When I was little my dad was like this, never saw him in the week hardly and he sometimes did overtime at the weekends too. It never effected my relationship with him at all, I wouldn't worry.

Chippychipsforme · 25/04/2019 09:11

My husband sees our son for about 5 minutes in the morning on a weekday. They're inseparable at the weekends.

cestlavielife · 25/04/2019 09:15

She is just 3 months..just keep giving her to him weekends. Or evenings. If he and you are relaxed she will be in the long term

Original poster
MaidofMuswell · 25/04/2019 09:25

Think these are all good suggestions actually, esp about sling and extra early morning time. I suspect there could be more flexibility but he’s probably worried because there’s talk of job losses and I can understand not wanting to rock boat at present plus I think he’s just chronically disorganised so sorting workload round more limited hours would prove harder for him than it should be! Glad to hear that older babies in similar situation are well bonded - modern working life is not ideal is it!

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/04/2019 09:26

OP, my dh was much the same, with both dds - there was no way he could reduce hours. Plus he only had one day off a week - we were in the Middle East at the time so it was just Friday - and sometimes not even that if there was something else they wanted 'yesterday'.
However he still established a very good bond with both, and has always been a brilliant dad.
Please try not to worry about it.

user1493413286 · 25/04/2019 09:27

Between 4 months and 20 months my DH only saw DD at the weekends; he still had (and has now) a lovely relationship with her. He would get up with her at the weekends and have that time in the morning with her so maybe make sure he has his own time with her?

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 25/04/2019 09:35

I think this can often be the case when one parent is working long hours. The DC will obviously be closer to the main carer. The good news is that if the less present parent is involved and attentive and caring when they are around the DC, the relationship will develop in its own time. It won’t be the same as the relationship with the main carer but that doesn’t mean it will be worse.

I was a SAHM and DP was often absent for long periods of time. When he was around his feelings would be hurt as DC naturally turned to me for comfort. However over time they grew closer. They are grown up now, they adore their dad and time spent with him is still a treat and special whilst I am ‘just’ old, reliable mum. And whilst sometimes being the go to parent can be grating I wouldn’t have it any other way. Our relationships are different but equal.

eBaysLikeMyFamily · 25/04/2019 09:52

I have the same problem, DD is 5 months and DP works 4 straight 12 hour days.

We all go to bed late a lot so they can see each other but in the evenings she is a lot more grouchy and clingy to me so that time isn't great because often if I leave her with him she screams so hard she bursts blood vessels Sad

This week we've been getting up earlier so they can see each other in the morning when she's in a better mood (he goes to work quite late so it's not so bad).

On the weekends we do what we call enforced bonding where he spends more time with her, maybe getting up with her and giving her a bottle, when we go out he carries her in the sling. Also I try not to go out without him one the weekend as it cuts into their time together. They are much better by the end of it but it gets worse in the week again.

But his work is really full on atm so he's doing overtime some weekends and staying late on the weekend which he's doing to get promoted but family life suffers. He's getting down about it and I really am not loving being the default parent, I want him to be confident with her and be able to leave them alone together.

Dishwashersaurous · 25/04/2019 09:55

Sadly this is actually the normal for many many people. But it doesn’t impact on the bond at all as they get older particularly if he is active and engaged at weekends.

At three months baby will still predominantly want primary caregiver so this is partly age rather than anything else

Dishwashersaurous · 25/04/2019 09:58

And second the enforced time together at weekends. Even if he just does a walk for an hour on a Saturday morning forces him to be in charge and you to have a break.

Lots of women find that this doesn’t happen purely because they want to spend time with their partner and therefore are with the baby as well

Original poster
MaidofMuswell · 25/04/2019 10:38

I think my biggest fear is that dh is taking a month of leave to have her in September when I go back to work and it’s going to be like being looked after by a stranger! That’s ages off I know so hoping will be easier by then... know is way harder for loads of people and not biggest problem in world just also think he doesn’t enjoy her as much as he would if they spent more time together and she was more relaxed and cheery... feel like we’ve got a weird set up not entirely helped by bottle refusing of two happy cohabiting single parents where at weekends and evenings dh looks after toddler boy and have baby girl...wish we were more a four

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 25/04/2019 10:45

Bit confused by your update. Thought this was first child.

If it’s second then inevitably dad has to look after the older one in evenings and weekends but that doesn’t impact in the long term.

Also spending a month together will force them to bond. If he wasn’t bothered then wouldn’t be doing spl.

Completely understandable that this is mixed up with you going back to work. But September is a very very very very long time away. Longer than baby entire lifetime

cestlavielife · 25/04/2019 10:56

He is hardly going to be a stranger..you are catqstrophising ...
And even now baby can go a good one two or even three hours without feeding..plenty of time to hand her over...make family plans for weekends even short trip to local park altogether and dad holds baby while you take toddler on slide

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2019 11:03

two happy cohabiting single parents where at weekends and evenings dh looks after toddler boy and have baby girl
So why isn't he having her of a weekend? Why aren't you handing her over and saying do do bath / play / nappy change and i'll play with 3 yo or do stuff all together so he pushes pushchair and you hold 3 yo, he cuddles baby whilst you follow 3 yo round park etc?

Original poster
MaidofMuswell · 25/04/2019 12:04

We do do as much of that as possible and agree have tendency to catastrophise!! The cohabiting stuff comes from evenings where I have dd and dh ds and disastrous minibreak timed smack in middle of cluster feeding g growth spurt :)

OP posts:
UCOinanOCG · 25/04/2019 12:14

That seems fairly standard for me. My DG has always worked long hours and had to commute. It has no affected his relationship with our DDs in the slightest. They are now adults and have a great relationship with their DF. He was so used to getting up early to go to work that he didn't mind getting up with them at weekends and letting me have a lie in. He was totally hands on when he was around at weekends and during holidays. Even when he had to work away during the week for a while he used to read to them over the phone. His colleagues find it amusing when he opened his briefcase and they saw a copy of a Flower Fairies books! He didn't care a bit. Please don't worry about this. If he is a good dad then things will work out fine.

PaquitaVariation · 25/04/2019 12:16

My dh moved his hours forward slightly, so he started very early but finished early. Ds was a very early riser so he got up with him whilst getting ready for work and was home early enough to see them in the evening. It worked really well for us but obviously depends on your dh’s job and whether this is possible.

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