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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be mortified and humiliated

76 replies

WhoatemyLindtbunny · 25/04/2019 02:04

So i'm 9 months post partum and i'm not going to lie I gained a sh*t tonne of weight. I'm quite short 5,4 and a squidge, I've no idea how much but pre preg i was a fit size 8/10. The weight gain has been odd and after been v pear shaped all my life i seem to have put on most of it across my back, shoulders, neck, chest and arms and plus i pretty much looked 6 months pregnant until about 6 weeks ago!

Anyway since Jan been doing my best with trying to make time for exercise and trying to count calories. It's been coming off steadily and really noticeably in past month and i'm down from an 18/20 to a 14/16 I've been feeling a lot more confident and DH and i have started having sex again in past few weeks - with him initiating it, (he's initiated a few times prev since DC went into own room at Xmas but I haven't been comfortable).

Sorry TMI but it's been great and i've really felt like i've been getting a sense of myself back looooong way to go but.....

Anyway Mon I got back from shopping and was just chattering saying i was happy i was in a 14 and a C cup bra but i still thought i was bigger across the back and was struggling with bras still. In a half joking half serious way he said 'oh yeah I noticed that last week when we were you know......it's kind of like a barrel'

WTAF I know i'm still fat I know i'm disproportionately big across the back/neck (oddly my stomach now looks fine to say i had an 8'6 baby!!!) but for him to say it to me and that he'd noticed it whilst we were having sex, i just feel mortified and humiliated. I just keep thinking back and dying a little inside as i thought we were having a great time and felt really sexy for the first time in forever and he was thinking i look like barrel?! Is it right I can't stop thinking about this and can't sleep.

OP posts:
DocusDiplo · 25/04/2019 08:16

Congratulations on baby and weight loss OP. What a prick.

GPatz · 25/04/2019 08:22

When did OP state that was like a barrel for her husband to confirm this?

lljkk · 25/04/2019 08:24

Don't take your weight so personally. He doesn't.
All the shame you feel is in your head, not his. You made it happen. He didn't.

"Does my bum look fat in this?"

A man's only safe answer is always "What time are we going out again?"

TerryWogansWilly · 25/04/2019 08:25

Well he was confirming what you had said and didn't realise how hurtful it waS

Know he wasn't confirming what she said. He insulted her. Presumably, he isn't an actual village idiot.

Honestly OP some people have very low standards for men. Ignore them. Let them take this shit in their own relationships, you don't need to.

You shouldn't be embarrassed and yes, he was enjoying it. You probably had literal proof of it. You need to tell him what he said wasn't acceptable. There were a lot of of things he could have said and none of them were "you're shaped like a barrel". That would put me off sex with him for a long while. He's an idiot if he thinks that is going to work as some sort of motivation. It's just going to make you feel awkward in bed.

TerryWogansWilly · 25/04/2019 08:26
  • You know he wasn't confirming what she said
TerryWogansWilly · 25/04/2019 08:27

Some comments on here remind me of those delightful people who say "I call a spade a spade, me" while congratulating themselves on their disarming 'honesty'. No, you're just rude and obnoxious and should learn some manners and sensitivity.

I knew one of those. She broke down in tears when someone mentioned that she was quite tall. Hmm

Outnotdown · 25/04/2019 08:28

My DH is a bit like this, in that he doesn't lie to spare my feelings. He doesn't go out of his way to point out my flaws, but if I mention something, jelly belly for example, he doesn't pretend it's not there to make me feel better. To be fair, neither one of us is as attractive as we were when we met 17 years ago.

I'm still the only woman he wants to have sex with.

And he is the only person who I trust to tell me if a new outfit looks wrong.

I understand why you're upset op, your husband was pretty tactless. But you had good sex, so you looking like a barrel is not a turn off for him, clearly. He is turned on by you, regardless of your weight.

Which sounds like a healthy relationship to me.

Catchingbentcoppers · 25/04/2019 08:28

Oh I fucking hate seeing posters put 'well he was just being honest' etc like it's OK to insult you like that.

It's not. Honesty is not about being cruel. You do not need confirmation you need encouragement and you've done really well to lose so much weight in the time you have.

It's really not that difficult not to lie to someone while still being kind.

TerryWogansWilly · 25/04/2019 08:30

There's absolutely no way I can contemplate sex again now (I'm cringing at the thought) and I'm honestly worried that he might stray.

If you honestly think that about him, what does it say about him as a man? You've recently had a baby. Worked hard to lose weight. He throws it in your face, brings up sex in away that makes you feel humiliated... AND you think he will stray?

He doesn't sound like a very nice man at all.

Buddytheelf85 · 25/04/2019 08:32

Baffled by some of the comments on here. You really think it’s ‘honest’ and ‘just confirming what the OP has already said’ for a husband to say his wife’s torso reminded him of a BARREL during sex?

DameSquashalot · 25/04/2019 08:33

Calling your wife a barrel is being honest??? It's really cruel and hurtful.

DH is really sensitive about his weight. I would never call him a barrel and use honesty as a defence.

TerryWogansWilly · 25/04/2019 08:34

The correct response was

"You've done really well, I'm proud of you and you look great"

Losing with with a new baby isn't easy.

BertrandRussell · 25/04/2019 08:35

“Well, I think you look lovely” is almost always the best respond when someone invites a comment on their looks.
And for the people who say “oh, men don’t think like that”- well they bloody ought to. Men are far too often given a free pass for crap behaviour.

TerryWogansWilly · 25/04/2019 08:36

OP I hope he has a massive penis some redeeming features.

TerryWogansWilly · 25/04/2019 08:36

“Well, I think you look lovely” is almost always the best respond when someone invites a comment on their looks. And for the people who say “oh, men don’t think like that”- well they bloody ought to. Men are far too often given a free pass for crap behaviour.

They manage to behave like humans at work.

Floatingfancy · 25/04/2019 08:45

Some comments on here remind me of those delightful people who say "I call a spade a spade, me" while congratulating themselves on their disarming 'honesty'. No, you're just rude and obnoxious and should learn some manners and sensitivity.

Yes, exactly that. And usually such people can dish it out but can't take it, too.

Jasging · 25/04/2019 08:48

That's mean of him.

The whole back thing - I don't get it, my back also massive since having kids. I know your lungs expand for a bit but not forever!

Thunderspuds · 25/04/2019 08:50

"Just remember observation is not criticism."

You're an ugly balding bastard with a misshapen penis.

What? I was just "observing" I'm not slagging you off. Geez, don't be so sensitive.

thecatsthecats · 25/04/2019 08:52

“Well, I think you look lovely” is almost always the best respond when someone invites a comment on their looks. And for the people who say “oh, men don’t think like that”- well they bloody ought to. Men are far too often given a free pass for crap behaviour.

That's the nearest I've EVER got to gettting my husband to admit I've got fat.

"You're always sexy to me"
"Hello beautiful" (every day)
"Well, we've both put on a bit" (ok, maybe that's the closest!)

People who advocate 'honesty' in these situations miss the point that there are honest things to say that aren't bloody hurtful!

Ninkaninus · 25/04/2019 09:08

I think I’d be getting ‘honest’ with him about anything he might feel sensitive about. Balding? Cock not quite big enough? Doesn’t actually make you cum? A bit of a failure or ‘less than’ in some aspect? Not because being a little overweight is something to be ashamed of or a failure or shortcoming (because it isn’t!), but because he was thoughtless enough to not spare your feelings. I’m sure you do plenty of glossing over things on his behalf.

And yes, all people who ‘say it like it is, you can bet your bottom dollar they’re likely to be the type that fall apart when that ‘honesty’ is directed at them!

Exploration2018 · 25/04/2019 09:26

Carrying a baby everyday for several hours will also make you bigger in the shoulder and arm area. (I don't know if this is scientifically proven, but you have been carrying round an 8+lb and growing baby for nearly a year!)

sparklytwinklyfairylights · 25/04/2019 09:32

I would explain to him how it made you feel, yes he was insensitive but that doesn't mean he said it to hurt you or that he didn't enjoy sex.

phoenixrosehere · 25/04/2019 09:42

Honestly OP some people have very low standards for men. Ignore them. Let them take this shit in their own relationships, you don't need to.

This!

I don’t know any men in my circle who would make such a thoughtless comment to their partners. They’re not imbeciles. A man with a decent brain in his head wouldn’t tell his partner that part of her body reminded him of a barrel and that he noticed it during sex no less.

My own husband has never said anything like that, it’s always been the opposite, how he loves my curves, how sexy I am, how I still look the same to him after nine years. He worries about his own weight and I wouldn’t think to say something like that especially knowing the time, dedication, and work it takes to lose weight and stay healthy.

LaCastafiore · 25/04/2019 11:30

Sure, it's not great, but posters start to judge an entire relationship over a stupid comment, which wasn't malicious. It happens, tell him it was hurtful and move on.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/04/2019 11:48

Incredibly insensitive, I hope he is usually kinder than that. Remember how you feel if you notice something not great about your partner's body - it's not the end of the world! I am sure he still enjoyed DTD with you!

However, I would say to anyone, never point out or talk about your "bad" bits of your body. What possible good can it do??