To be mortified and humiliated

[WhoatemyLindtbunny]

So i'm 9 months post partum and i'm not going to lie I gained a sh*t tonne of weight. I'm quite short 5,4 and a squidge, I've no idea how much but pre preg i was a fit size 8/10. The weight gain has been odd and after been v pear shaped all my life i seem to have put on most of it across my back, shoulders, neck, chest and arms and plus i pretty much looked 6 months pregnant until about 6 weeks ago!

Anyway since Jan been doing my best with trying to make time for exercise and trying to count calories. It's been coming off steadily and really noticeably in past month and i'm down from an 18/20 to a 14/16 I've been feeling a lot more confident and DH and i have started having sex again in past few weeks - with him initiating it, (he's initiated a few times prev since DC went into own room at Xmas but I haven't been comfortable).

Sorry TMI but it's been great and i've really felt like i've been getting a sense of myself back looooong way to go but.....

Anyway Mon I got back from shopping and was just chattering saying i was happy i was in a 14 and a C cup bra but i still thought i was bigger across the back and was struggling with bras still. In a half joking half serious way he said 'oh yeah I noticed that last week when we were you know......it's kind of like a barrel'

WTAF I know i'm still fat I know i'm disproportionately big across the back/neck (oddly my stomach now looks fine to say i had an 8'6 baby!!!) but for him to say it to me and that he'd noticed it whilst we were having sex, i just feel mortified and humiliated. I just keep thinking back and dying a little inside as i thought we were having a great time and felt really sexy for the first time in forever and he was thinking i look like barrel?! Is it right I can't stop thinking about this and can't sleep.

“Well, I think you look lovely”

Your husband is an idiot. Clearly. Anyone would be upset hearing that.

I think the to hang in to is that, despite having ridiculous thoughts, he still wanted to have sex with you. He clearly loves you and finds you attractive even if you don't look like a supermodel or even exactly the same as before. That's what normal people do. Very few people have the body of a god!

It's really tough and horrible, and he is a numpty, but I think you will get over it in time

@AmeriAnn I'm normally pretty sceptical when people talk about weight gain due to medical conditions (although being prescribed steroids is different). But maybe I should speak to GP as an aside. Especially as I think most of it went on in last few weeks of pg and first few weeks post partum (I have a top which I wore to an event at 35 wks which was loose and floaty) It's only just become loose and floaty again in past 6 weeks!!!

I bet it didn’t stop him enjoying the sex though! You would be able to tell if he wasn’t enjoying himself. It’s a myth that men don’t find big women sexy, obviously some don’t but if he was erect and going for it then he clearly doesn’t find your body a turn off.

I'm honestly worried that he might stray. Stop! He won't if you can get past the changes having a baby has made to your body!

The barrel comment makes sense to me... ribs and a more rounded appearance/feeling! He wasn't judging, just describing. Wasn't condemning, just noticing!

Now you know your back fat is still more pronounced than before. You knew that, you still know that! What has changed? That people who can see your rear more clearly also know that? That your DH, who initiated sex, loved you whilst noticing that?

Don't let it eat you up! You can accept that this is what childbearing has done to your body; you can go to work on the weight loss / fat reduction again or you can sink into that saelf hate morass and make yourself utterly miserable!

If I were you I'd do a mix of the frst 2. Your body has been irrevocably changed, go with it!

The answer to her comment, in the context of a happy return from shopping when she was talking about being down to a size 14, so he presumably knows she has been trying to lose weight, and knows there are mirrors in the house, is a kiss or a hug, and a comment on how great she is looking.

Even worse than merely opening his big mouth and sticking his foot straight in up to the knee, he said he noticed it during sex. What sort of moron thinks a woman needs an unsolicited negative 'honest' assessment of how her body looked or felt to him when they were having sex? Just because she mentioned it doesn't mean she was soliciting a comment and certainly not one that might come across as critical.

Just as the answer to the question, 'Do these jeans make my butt look big?' is, 'Not at all', the answer to any comment from someone losing weight about what remains to be worked on is loving encouragement. Not a, 'Now that you mention it, I certainly felt that muffin top the last time we had sex.' What did he hope to achieve by the words he chose? To uplift? To encourage?

WhoatemyLindtbunny, if you are genuinely concerned that he might stray then he is not worth trying to keep.

You need to ask him if he enjoyed having sex.

Also ask him if he would appreciate feedback on his own body or performance from you. You need to tell him exactly what you have said here about how his words made you feel.

OOps! Can I change my forst line... I in no way meant to say that OP was repsonsible for her DHs morals/behaviour etc etc. Just that if she can be happier in herself then both she and her DH will benefit!

Ah fuck it! I don't think I can say what I meant clearly!

OP - just be happy!

Of course he’s not going to stray because you’re a bit bigger than before you had HIS baby 🌷. It’s not even been a year yet, you’re being far too hard on yourself.

He’s not blind, of course he’s noticed your changing shape, getting bigger when you were pregnant and now getting smaller. That does NOT mean he doesn’t find you incredibly sexy. He’s been wanting to have sex with you since before you lost any of your pregnancy weight.

He probably didn’t think twice about agreeing with you because to him it was factual, ‘Yes, you’re more barrel shaped than before the baby’ it’s an observation, not a criticism. He fancies you as you are. Think of this. Someone says ‘It’s snowing’ and you say ‘Yes, I noticed’ their individual feelings about it snowing might be vastly different, they’ve both simply noticed it happening.

Obviously he was relaxed and didn’t engage his brain before his mouth, because it would have been FAR wiser to have said something more tactful like ‘Your new clothes look really good on you’.

Just remember observation is not criticism.

🌷

I am constantly astounded at how so many men are such insensitive arseholes when it comes to the person they're supposed to love and cherish.

Oh god come on. Of course it was insensitive. Talk about kicking a horse when its down!

Did you tell him that he hurt your feelings? Or ask him to clarify what he meant?

I expect that he didn't mean to hurt you. It's all right for you to say that you look like a barrel but not so good when someone else says so. Grit your teeth and continue with the progress you've made with the exercise and diet. Then put it behind you.

Maybe don't discuss the subject with him if he comes out with things like this. Well done with getting this far, don't let it put you off.

It was totally insensitive. However, don't assume you weren't both having a good time. There is so much more to sex than "looking sexy"! I'm sure you did look sexy because you were feeling good and enjoying yourself. That doesn't mean he won't notice your figure has changed, just that he doesn't mind.

During pregnancy, women's bodies produce relaxin which causes the hips and rib cage to expand. It will go down but might not go down to what it was before.

Do not be too upset by your husband's tactless comment just yet. How do you know he didn't find you sexy despite the observation? I guess he'll be really sad you are upset and will reassure you that he had a great time and found you very sexy.

Sex that i thought we'd both been enjoying but clearly not on his part that's why I feel so humiliated

I don't understand? Why is it clear that he wasn't enjoying sex?

He obviously fancies you whatever your size, as pointed out by a pp, as he has initated sex with you. Look on the brightside, don't spoil things by being insecure about your weight.

It can take up to 18 months for your ribcage to go back to normal size. Some womens stay bigger, just like hips, after chilbirth. It's where the 'relaxin' causes everything to stretch out to make room for the baby.

I wore a soft corset to sleep in from 6wks pp to help mine come back together.

"Here's what I think"
"Yes you're right"
"This is an outrage"

YABU, but you're allowed to BU in this situation ffs. He needs to sleep on the couch for a bit.

It doesn't sound malicious, but do tell him how hurt you are!

Talk about kicking a horse when its down! Erm.... really? You want to use that expression?

There are ways to agree with people that aren't rude and insensitive. In the OP's situation, something like "Still sexy though" or "Maybe so, but you're still beautiful" or "It won't be for long , you've done so well losing weight so far" or "Can't say I'd noticed, but I guess I can see it now you've pointed it out" etc

Some comments on here remind me of those delightful people who say "I call a spade a spade, me" while congratulating themselves on their disarming 'honesty'. No, you're just rude and obnoxious and should learn some manners and sensitivity.

He was a dick, you need to tell him and allow him to put it right ......if he can. I would have lost it if my DH had called me barrel shaped......YANBU he was very insensitive

What’s a squidge?

In a half joking half serious way Your husband dropped a clanger and I would have huffed too. Do talk this over with him asap. But it doesn't mean he will now 'look elsewhere'.

Oh hai Duane! You OK hun?