To end up feeling hurt in friendship over takers?

[Stormei]

I’ve had this a few times, I end up feeling stupid and embarrassed when I realise I’m doing a fair bit for people who don’t view me the same way.

Examples,

I’ve been taking child x to an activity for nearly 2 years most weeks and often another too. I’ve been stuck this week for the first time, parent is taking their child but ignored text request if they could take mine. They drive past the end of my road, I do a ten min detour to drop off theirs. Read and ignored text. My child had to miss it tonight

Child y I’ve had some long day babysitting of late for urgent work. Also at activity, also driving past the end of my road. Also ignored text.

Obviously those aren’t the only examples, but they sum up a typical position I end up in. Say having 30 play dates to no return, the drop offs, generally ending up feeling like a muppet as I seem to attract this and not spot it like a fool. I feel I have a radar, one mum would come here but cancel play dates on me half hour before with messages like ‘oh I forgot’ or ‘something has come up’.

I don’t seem to end up in reciprocal arrangements!

These are people I know well enough to know that anxiety/ SEN/ illness etc are not a factor. I know it sometimes is, but not for these cases. (I actually have the bigger family and am the only one juggling an SEN sibling and baby in the mix)

So - what am I doing wrong? Is there a code for this I’m missing?

(Obviously I’m not a saint, but I do seem to attract this one particular situation over and over)

They are users op.
Stop the arrangement
Don’t even tell them.
If they message to say you didn’t take our child say “well after last week, I think the arrangement has ran it’s course!”

Well, you’ve said yourself that you do too much for people, why do you think that is?

I think if you find the root cause, you’ll have your answer but I often find that in this situation, it’s a lack of self esteem.

I find myself in this situation as well - some people will just take advantage, it's nothing to do with you, they are just the type to never return a favour. Either stop seeing them or stop doing the favours if it bothers you.

Unfortunately lots of people out there have a well honed radar for people they can take advantage off. Once you stop making their lives easier they will move on to the next person. Decide what you want to do, if this upsets you stop helping out, if you feel there is some benefit for you and your family keep going and accept it for what it is. Real friendships run on give and take.

Exactly what 7yo7yo said

Obviously you won't be taking either of those children again.

Unfortunately, they are users, I find a lot of people are like that theses days. Just drop them.

Please say you're not going to continue taking the other children to the activity after this?

I agree with Unburnished . I think if you find the root cause, you’ll have your answer but I often find that in this situation, it’s a lack of self esteem.

I'm just like you and I know that, deep down, I have this lack of self esteem which means I'm always trying to please people. I hate being like this but I can't stop it. You've come to a fork in the road where you recognise what you've been doing and you hate it.......try to give yourself a break and stop doing it. The comment "I think this has run it's course" is a good one since you would be reminding these people that it was their own actions which led to this outcome.

Good luck !

That is so incredibly rude. I was going to ask if you had the correct numbers, but then I saw she had read and ignored. Most definitely play her at her own game. Do not collect her child anymore, do not let her know. Just stop. Same with the other one.

Its not you OP. Its them. You will know people who help out, have playdates and reciprocate. It's just hard to remember the good guys when you have been let down. Don't be afraid to call people out on their behaviour - when 2 year piss taker starts with her 'So sorry, I did see the text and I thought I replied but I am sooooo busy, it was an oversight and if you don't take him he won't be able to go-'. Say, 'I have done it for two years now, its not my responsibility'

If flakey play date arranger suggests another time say 'But will this actually happen as you always cancel or want to postpone at he last minute and it's upsetting for DS'

Good luck OP. Let us know what happens next week when DON'T take her child.

Oh, I definitely have the try to please people thing I think! Especially when it’s easy to do so, I have in my head being nice= making friends. Simple world view and self-esteem.

There was another I simply was busy one week. I realised how much I was doing, little was coming back so I just stopped lift/ play datess to see what was happen. It meant we stopped seeing them that day! Haven’t heard from again except in passing. Shame as kids were good friends

So what will you do at lift time this week? Are you going to make a stand OP?

You sound lovely btw and yes people can be horrible. Been there and got the T shirt.

@ Stormi
Your friend sounds just like the op on another thread right now, you should read it her posts as they are a real eye opener I can't do clicky links but it's called.
My friend being unreasonable

Being nice can mean making friends, I agree, but not in these cases. If you're going to be friends it'll be obvious early on that favours are reciprocated and the other person will invite you/include you to do stuff that is not only favours for them. Like outings together, coffees, BBQs. These people aren't friend material, they're just users.

The key op is to not keep giving when you don't receive back. To always go out your way for years on end, when it becomes very clear early doors that the other party isn't reciprocating, or offering to reciprocate.

So you need to learn to spot the people who aren't interested in you or a friendship with you, they are just taking you up on your offer to do stuff for them.

If you're happy to just do stuff for them with nothing in return, then that's fine, continue as is. If not, then you need to learn to recognise your behaviour patterns, and pull back.

Right now you're not happy and you feel like shit because it's become apparent to you what this was. So stop doing things for them. As hard as you may find it.

Awww sounds horrible! Generally people who are helpful and nice get walked all over by twats until they find the other people who are also genuine and nice. People have a radar for knowing who to take advantage of and it's awful when it happens. It happened to me a bit when I was early 20s but I soon toughened up and told people where to go! I have genuine friends now who I could rely on day and night.

I read on here a good motto: -
Givers need strong boundaries because takers don't have any.

I’m ok making a stand, I have a few times, I just both end up feeling like a melon because I leave it so late to spot it and because it totally blows friendships. If you do nothing you tend to run along ok in passing and be pleasant enough, but once you stop what they expect it normally results in ill feeling. You end up feeling worse stopping after doing a lot, than if you stayed out of it all. One mum basically blanks me still as I had her son two days a week for AGES then said I had to stop (whole long story) and it’s a lot of ill feeling in groups. I wish I’d never done it. At least at scouts etc I’d have no daggers being glared into my back. She totally cut me dead.

Oh, and I said I couldn’t v v v pleasantly, not a strop or anything!

If you have a play date at yours, wait for it to be reciprocated at theirs before inviting them around again.
No more drop offs for your 'friends' child. Next time you offer generosity or a favour, wait for them to return it before offering a second helping.
You sound like a lovely person and this isn't your fault. Some people are rude and others are truly oblivious.

Link to the thread pp mentioned, I read some of the it other day.

hwttps://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3566922-to-think-my-friend-is-being-unfair?pg=1&order=

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3566922-to-think-my-friend-is-being-unfair?pg=1&order=

Bloody hell YANBU. I would definitely not run that other child to the activity any more when the mum can't be bothered to answer your text.

Ha ha, until I read on a bit I thought it was me with a few details changed 😂