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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think introducing DS to his "dad" is confusing?

46 replies

calamariqueeen · 24/04/2019 16:03

DS is 2 and a half he met his dad twice when he was a baby I pushed it I wish I didn't now. Two years later he has asked for a DNA test through CM. I'm sure it wouldn't come to this but if he went to court he could get PR of my son. I can't help but think this would be so confusing for DS if he had to see him?

All he knows is my partner as his dad as we met when he was 7 months and OH does everything for him so I'm just not sure.

Ex is an awful human being so would hate for DS to have a relationship with that kind of person.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Smumzo · 24/04/2019 16:06

Your son has a right to know his father for better or for worse. Does your son think your partner is his father? If so you've got to tell him he isn't and when he's young.

chuttypicks · 25/04/2019 09:03

To be fair, does he want a DNA test because he's being forced to pay CM for a child you won't allow him to see and may not be his (as far as he is concerned)? If you don't want the test then maybe stop the CM claim?

Booboostwo · 25/04/2019 09:08

You can’t hide the existence of his biological father regardless of whether he sees him or not. Discovering that the person he thought was his dad is not his biological father would be far more confusing.

Nor can you prevent him from having a relationship with his biological father unless he actually harms your DS.

Children adapt, they don’t have any set idea of what a family should be like or how many dads you should have.

pikapikachu · 25/04/2019 09:12

You need to tell your son that his "dad" is his stepdad. It will be easier for him to find out now than when he's older.

Your son has the right to know his Dad so if the DNA goes ahead and he pushes for inclusion on his birth certificate then he will get PR. If he's already on your son's birth certificate then he has PR.

As your son doesn't know his Dad you could reasonably push for supervised contact at first. If

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2019 09:13

Why is he getting a dna test op? What's prompted this? And why do you feel he could get permanent residence?

BarbarianMum · 25/04/2019 09:14

If he'sgoingto pay maintenancefor his child (Which he damn well should) then it's reasonable that he feels secure that it is his child and that he has some level of contact with him. Your ds will be able to cope with the idea of 2 dads, lots of children do.

As regards contact, it's a pity that you had a child by such an awful man but now all you can do is to minimise any possible damage. Suggest you go via the courts for a contact order and ask to start with limited supervised contact (and hope he loses interest).

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2019 09:14

Oh sorry is it parental responsibility? I think as this is his father, then they both have this right.

BarbarianMum · 25/04/2019 09:15

I think the OP is worried about him getting parental responsibility rather than perminent residence.

BarbarianMum · 25/04/2019 09:16

X post

MrsBertBibby · 25/04/2019 09:29

OP you need to be truthful with your son about his origins. The misery and confusion you will store up by misleading him now may be immense.

Whether his father will ever apply to court for contact or PR is outside your control, but this is not and you need to address it now.

TeenTimesTwo · 25/04/2019 09:48

Agree with others re making sure your DS knows the truth.
Tell him now, he won't understand, but will 'know'.
e.g. In the bath, or at bedtime, tell him the story of when you first met his Daddy (ie step Dad). It was so nice, we met when your were still a baby, he loved you the moment he saw you. It is so nice we have Daddy as I didn't really get on with Dad Gavin.

Repeat regularly, eg showing pictures or whatever. He won't 'grasp' the implications until older, but then there won't need to be a big 'reveal'.

ToastyFingers · 25/04/2019 10:37

I have a perfectly lovely dad who did everything for me growing up. I was 21 when I found out he wasn't my biological father and it was very hard to deal with.
Whatever happens your son doesn't deserve to be lied to.

justmyview · 25/04/2019 10:46

Your DS is only 2. Shouldn't be too difficult to explain that families come in all shapes and sizes.

Please don't think that you will wait until the child is old enough to understand, because that day will never come. You will postpone it and postpone it, until it becomes increasingly difficult to explain to your child that his whole childhood has been based on a lie

Original poster
calamariqueeen · 25/04/2019 15:16

Got a call today from child maintenance he doesn't want the DNA test anymore but has asked for the payments to be lower.

He's not interested in DS he just doesn't want to pay for him.

I'm not lying to my son when he's old enough to understand we will tell him but he's two my OH is all he knows as a dad.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 25/04/2019 15:19

when he's old enough to understand we will tell him

No! You have to tell him before he is old enough to understand. So he grows up knowing and then understanding comes gradually.

At what age do you think he will be old enough? 5? 10? 15? 21?

2 is the perfect age to start dropping it in via stories. The longer you leave it the harder it will be, and you'll keep putting it off.

Gettingthroughthedays · 25/04/2019 15:30

I'm sorry I have to agree with pp, it would be much better for him to always know his origins instead of a bombshell being dropped at a later date.

My XP brought my daughter up because her own Dad wasn't interested but she always knew he wasn't 'the Dad who made her'. We are now seperated but he doesn't treat her any differently and she calls him Dad.

If your ex isn't interested what about your partner adopting him? Your ex might go for it as he'll no longer be liable for maintenance and your DP will be legally his Dad.

justmyview · 25/04/2019 15:35

when he's old enough to understand we will tell him

I can pretty much guarantee this will end in tears. Please reconsider, for your son's sake

Original poster
calamariqueeen · 25/04/2019 15:35

@Gettingthroughthedays something we want to do in the future OH wants to start the process now but I'd rather wait until we're married. Was your partner there when your daughter was a baby or older?

He's always called him dada so I don't know what to do really whether I let him carry on I'm not sure.

OP posts:
justmyview · 25/04/2019 15:36

And just to emphasise, I'm not suggesting you shouldn't tell your son the truth. I'm saying that you shouldn't wait to do it. You should do it now

Original poster
calamariqueeen · 25/04/2019 15:37

@justmyview but he is 2 he won't understand.

OP posts:
crazycatlady5 · 25/04/2019 15:40

To PP’s a 2 year old is not going to understand the difference between a dad and stepdad Hmm I cannot imagine how he would grasp this.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 25/04/2019 15:42

But he doesn't need to understand, that's the point. If you wait till he's old enough to understand he will feel lied to and his whole world turned upside down, why would you want that?

TeenTimesTwo · 25/04/2019 15:43

That's why you need to tell him now!

Start mentioning how his Daddy first met him when he was 7 months old.
Mention Old Dad / Dad Fred drove a fire-truck, or whatever when watching Fireman Sam.
Just little stuff like that.
make him a photo album and include picture of birth dad amongst all the other pictures ('that's Fred he helped me make you').

If you wait until he can understand, he will also understand that 'his Daddy isn't really his Daddy' and his safe little world could come crumbling down. Let alone the risk of your Mum or someone letting it slip by accident / on purpose / in temper.

SlipperyLizard · 25/04/2019 15:43

You can (and should) explain it in an age appropriate way, and continue to talk to him about it periodically so it just becomes natural to him to understand. If you wait until he is “old enough to understand” then it will devastate him.

Look up guidance for telling young children about being adopted, as that’s a similar conversation - I imagine there are plenty of resources to use.

Dana28 · 25/04/2019 15:43

The ' too young' thing is just a cop out. At this Stage you just say he has another daddy who helped you to make him

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