To think introducing DS to his "dad" is confusing?

[calamariqueeen]

DS is 2 and a half he met his dad twice when he was a baby I pushed it I wish I didn't now. Two years later he has asked for a DNA test through CM. I'm sure it wouldn't come to this but if he went to court he could get PR of my son. I can't help but think this would be so confusing for DS if he had to see him?

All he knows is my partner as his dad as we met when he was 7 months and OH does everything for him so I'm just not sure.

Ex is an awful human being so would hate for DS to have a relationship with that kind of person.

Aibu?

The whole point is that he won't understand just now. It will be a piece of his story that will never come as a surprise.

Please for your own sake tackle this now.

@calamariqueen

I agree that, aged two, he won't understand all the complexities of family life, but that's kind of the point. From an early age, you can introduce information bit by bit.

You probably have some friends who have separated from their child's father and then formed a new relationship. Next time you see them, it's an opportunity to mention to your child that he also has an absent father, in addition to daddy who lives in the family home

I think it's fine to call your partner daddy. What's not fine is for your child to grow up thinking your partner is the biological father, and then discover this is untrue

In Adoption we are absolutely advised to bring a child up knowing.
I strongly feel the same applies to step Dads.

Also, it is a lot easier for the adult to verbalise before the child understands. It gets you used to saying the words.

Add photos to an album of a man that emptied my bank account beat me up threw me out when I was in my early stages of pregnancy cut up all my clothes up begged me to have an abortion. I don't agree I like the idea of the book as I know there is books out there so will probably do that until he's a little older.

Whatever happens I just want to do right by my son so I appreciate all the advice as I didn't think about some of the things that have been suggested.

That's fine if you don't want to use a photos method. (But I didn't mean as part of normal albums, I meant in a special book.)
But you do need to drip feed the basics regularly.

In adoption the DCs have 'life story books' containing photos and text on their background and how they ended up being adopted. It is about the info not being taboo.
Our official ones were aged at 8-12, so I made a simpler one that my younger could access age 2-7 too.
A few photos, some simple words. e.g. 'This is Fred, he helped make you'. 'Mummy and Fred didn't always get on, and that is why we don't see Fred.' Here is Daddy. Mummy met Daddy when you were 7 months old. Daddy loves you very much.

From your update I can see why you feel awkward/upset talking about it. But it is part of your LO's background.

He's two. He won't get confused because he's TWO. He'll just accept what you tell him and that will very quickly become the new normal for him. Waiting until he's older will be MUCH more confusing for him, OP. You don't have to say much, just 'This is your other dad. He won't be living with us and partner will still be your dad too.'

You MUST start talking to him about it now op, just drop in matter of fact comments. He will and can only process it up to his level of understanding but over time that will naturally grow and he will never have the ‘shock’ or ‘surprise’ of it. He’ll never remember not knowing. It’ll be natural and easy.

It isn’t about what we like as parents, it’s about what our children need. If you don’t normalise talking about dad v stepdad you’re going to make your son feel like it is something big and secretive.

My son is almost four, he was a bit younger than your son when he came to live with me, from day one we have talked about his birth parents, I have photo albums, I also have some pictures of them up in his bedroom. It’s really important that he knows that it is okay to ask me about his birth mum and dad. As I said he is nearly four, he has awful teeth as they weren’t looked after and despite being three he has previously asked why his teeth aren’t very good, as we speak about his birth parents a lot he is perfectly able to hear me say “because BM/BD didn’t brush your teeth.”

It also gives the opportunity to fill gaps, my son likes me to do baby things with him, so if he has a bottle with a spout at home he will get on my lap like a baby and I tell him what I would have done if I had looked after him when he was a baby. That’s something your partner could explore.

I like the idea of telling the story of when you met 'daddy' and telling him that you met when he was a baby. I think the information about the person who provided the sperm that prompted him to start to grow can come when you have a conversation about how babies are made.
You don't have to use the word 'dad' about him if you don't want.

I have a friend who has waited to tell her eldest DD that her ‘Dad’ is not her bio Dad and that she actually has another bastard of a father that’s never seen or paid for her and several half siblings. Plus her younger sister is only her half sister!

She’s waited 14 years now for the ‘right time’. She’s now deeply regretting it as it’s going to tear her daughters world apart when she finds out that she’s been lied to her whole life.

There is no ‘right time’ once they’re old enough to ‘get it’.

Make it part of conversation from an early age and your DS will grow up feeling that it’s just all normal.

I promise you you’ll regret it dearly if you don’t.

You MUST start talking to him about it now op, just drop in matter of fact comments

I agree, 2 is the perfect age to start talking about this. Your DS will just accept it as normal.

I was adopted at birth. My parents talked to me about it from a very early age. It was like a bedtime story. I don’t remember when I found out I was adopted, I have always just known. No stress, no worry, no feeling of being different or not belonging.

Telling your son now is absolutely the best thing you can do for him. It will be far better than waiting until you think he’s old enough to understand.

I'd also like to urge you to drop bits of info now. Like x is your daddy but you have another daddy who helped make you but we don't see him.

I know someone who kept delaying telling their DS, first he was too young until he was too old. He received a letter from his dad aged 13 and was devastated and had no idea his step dad wasnt his dad.

Take it from someone who is in the middle of a family storm where my niece recently found out the man who she thought was her father is In fact her stepfather and her biological father lives nearby. She found out through friends. My sister very much wishes she had taken the chance at 2.5 to explain the truth in a way DN could handle. Children at that age are very accepting of information

There are very age appropriate ways of explaining bio vs step parents to very young children, it's worth a google. I really hope I don't sound awful when I say this, as it sounds like you've been through hell and back, but do you feel it disturbs your "new" family dynamic, had you intended to tell your DS that your partner is not his bio dad? I completely understand if this upsets you, your ex sounds awful. Even if he doesn't get PR (and if it goes to court please do mentioned about the abuse and violence) it's important that the truth is clear to your son anyway

You just start sprinkling it into the conversation. I met your dad after you were born. He isn’t your biological father, but he loves you all the same. A two year old will not really understand this, but as he starts to understand, this knowledge will already be in his brain. The day it finally clicks wont be a shock this way.

This is how I learned my dad was adopted by his step-dad when he was 12 and his mother remarried. Somehow I always knew, even though I didn’t understand. There was no difficult conversation, it was just a simple reality. It could have been very different because there was some serious backstory there, but since I always knew about a family built in love, the backstory was easier to process.

She was only 18 months and always called him Dad. I would just talk about different types of families so she always knew he wasn't her bio Dad although she wouldn't have understand what that meant at the time, she's just always known and it's never spoken about because she never brings it up. The man who brought her up is the only Dad she cares about.

All the advice from adoption specialists (and I mean all) is to talk early and often about origins. I know it's slightly different but it applies, please listen to other posters and Google the advice. Please please accept this or you are storing up an awful lot of trouble and possible heartache....

Echoing PP advice about using adoption guidance to tell your son.

I don't remember being told I'm adopted, I just always knew. I do remember my baby brother being told at 18 months. Just simple stuff like "we didn't make you but we love you and are your parents" stuff.

DP is dad to his DSDs from his marriage, he's the only dad they've ever known and they'll proudly tell anyone who'll listen he's their dad because he CHOSE to be.

By the time they have 100% comprehension it's too late. It becomes "Why did they lie to me?" Issue. At the moment he might look at you blankly when you mean that his SD didn't make him but with regular repetition l, he will get it,

By the time they have 100% comprehension it's too late. It becomes "Why did they lie to me?" Issue

^ This x 1000

I personally think you should stop a child even at baby age from calling a partner Daddy. I doubt you call your partner Daddy, so first name would have been fine.
Can you stop the claim, I doubt it is a huge amount, is it worth it, if you don't want him in the child life now cut him out completely.
Very sensible to wait until you marry your partner before talk of adoption, it will be his biological fathers decision in the end to surrender parental rights.