How to get your 12 year old to understand 14K likes is NOT good

[Phoenix4]

On discovering my daughter has just started sharing an account with her friend on tiktok (lip sync vids) who is publicly posting

Of course you can stop a child using apps, neither of mine use them (13 and 15), my 13 year old has had her iPad removed for watching stuff on YouTube that was influencing her behaviour, she has no access to the internet.

The option of not allowing will only increase the likelihood of her using it via other people and/or without my knowledge, surely. The sensible way forward is through helping her to understand why public posting is dangerous and I was hopeful someone would be able to share a way to do this well...?

I don't know about your child but if I told mine they weren't to use something at all, they wouldn't. They may moan and cry but they wouldn't do it without permission, not at that age.

Show her photos, grim mugshots of paedophiles on Google pics OP and tell er they are the type of people who are watching her videos. Not thousands of other children. When she see whats Barry, 66, from Birmingham looks like she wont want to upload many more.

Phoenix, where is your 12 year old, that you know you she will have access to other peoples internet. Does she does wonder off in the morning until night to wherever she fancies???

The sensible way forward is to tell her NO, she's not old enough. And to not use it at anyone else's house either or there will be serious consequences for her. And to talk to the parent/s of the other kids too if necessary. It's open access by the way - because ANYONE can watch the vid, so you can see if she's appearing in any friends vids too.
If my DC disobeyed my on something like this I'd go mental, they know why we have our rules, and even when they aren't always happy with them ( no Fortnite for example) they don't break those rules.

My 10 yo is on tik tok. She has two accounts. One she shares with a good friend and her mum and I as parents both monitor it. It is private and on my iPad. I look at the users for example and know all the kids. She shows me stuff and has never come across anything dodgy. But I am aware she won’t be in primary school next year . The other is one exclusively of the dog and she isn’t allowed to show her face. It is public and she’s only put a couple of vids on.

Unpopular as it may be you could also go on and befriend your dd to monitor her.

Have you not explained to her about predatory behaviour and grooming? She is 12. I have explained the basics to my dd. As I said she is 10. This is something you need to be teaching now, surely?

If for one moment she did something I didn’t like she’d be banned. She’s come across videos of elephants painting for example and learnt from users that this is animal cruelty so social media like tik tok isn’t all bad imo... as long as the parent is aware of what the child is doing. I get that’s more difficult with a 12 yo.

What other people? Who is she hanging out with? You might need to look at that too from the sounds of things...

'We can not stop our children using these apps'

Yes we can. I do. It's called parenting. Keeping your child safe.

I have explained to my 11 year old that she wouldn't be safe on certain apps. She believes me and doesn't actually want to be prey for predators.

A 12 year old CANNOT understand the dangers, they just can't. She might think she knows about cyber bullying or being safe of the internet cos they did it in school but honestly the pressure to be 'popular' or cool will over ride any instinct she has. Let her think you're a boring, old no-fun fart. That's your role, your her parent not her BFF.

We can not stop our children using these apps

er... yes you can. You are the adult here.

Mummyoflittledragon My 10 yo is on tik tok. She has two accounts

Umm.. what part of Tiktok is for age over 13 has your daughter failed to understand.

Op going back to the original question of how to show 14k likes isn't a good thing...

I'm finding in this phase of negotiating social media with my 11yo to be absolutely open and honest about it all. We have conversations about the language that is used vs what would be better, the lack of tone and body language in text, the risks of sm, the benefits of it.

Can you instigate a conversation about how many of that 14k know her, how many would Say hello in the street?, what is the benefit of them liking? Is it real affirmation or is it momentary.

It's finding the happy place whilst they are young enough to still listen to what I say and take it on board rather than ban it but old enough to have some knowledge and understanding because I know within the next year or so I'm going to lose all credibility as teens kick in so want to get the info and awareness in before that happens.

Having said all of this, we have said no to tiktok (well actually the phone refused to allow an account to be set up so the phone said no which removed any negotiation options from the 11yo - computer says no!)

Thank you all for your thoughts. To be clear, again, the issue is my daughter getting involved in a public post via her friends account and she doesn’t understand why this is unsafe, not being aware of the unsavoury nature of people waiting to make links with children ...and who at 12 is prone to thinking getting attention is where it’s at. I have seen the posts and are all innocuous but they are obviously made by youngsters. I am happy she continues to freely share all information with me, even when I dont like what I get, indeed feel this is the way forward, rather than attempting to prohibit, given I can not stop her from contact with her friends when I am not always present.

You need to parent to keep her safe, being a parent isn't about a being popular and a cool mum.
You need to be present or she doesn't have access, it's hardly rocket science.

I have unsuccessfully previously tried to highlight the safety aspects to the friends mum and relations had been extremely strained for some time since due to this. Therefore I was feeling quite isolated in support for my position.

My concern is about my inability to get her to understand how to keep herself safe, regardless of whether I am there.

Some of us live in a world where we are not always with our children unfortunately.

In my eyes, being a good parent is about teaching your children to look after themselves throughout their lives, independently.

If she is more concerned with being liked than with predators she is too immature to be outside or online unsupervised at all.

''Some adults are dangerous predators, its my job to teach you how to stay safe and your job is to listen and follow the rules'' is a good start.

To help them to think for themselves is an extremely difficult aspect of parenting and something we all need to help them do more and more throughout their childhood and adolescence so that they are able to negotiate successfully all aspects of their lives, at least adequately, by the time they are legally adult.

TikTok (used to be called Music.ly) is a well-known stalking ground for paedophiles. Luckily my kids have never been interested in having an account but it is famously an easy way to groom kids as you get to see what they look like before contacting them. The app is famous for not banning users who contact people inappropriately.

My daughter does not as yet understand what exactly a predator IS and I do not want her to know it for as long as possible either! this is the point. Of course she we have school internet safety lessons and I have been through all this time and time again with her but she doesn’t fully understand because she is still innocent...hence the ongoing issue. Perhaps you are right, saying those words to her and looking up what that is exactly....a dangerous predator.

Are you not in the UK? I'm surprised that a 10yo's not heard of "bad" people on the Internet (the reason why we don't disclose name, location etc£