Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell NC father where to stick his cash?

30 replies

UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 08:40

I already know the answer but I need to vent. Stately Homes? I could open a small county.

Alcoholic, abusive, vile father, a lifetime of being controlled and manipulated. He has ASD which has made him do some odd things but he has been unsupportive, disinterested, detached, and nothing short of a complete pig to me since my mum died when I was in my 20s. I went NC about 2 years ago and moved house, he doesn't know where I live. If it makes any difference, parents are from a close-knot immigrant community (think Greek, Asian, etc) where everyone knows everyone's news and where nicer families pull together and actually help each other. He cannot STAND that I went NC. He has my mobile number and leaves me really nasty, cruel messages. These say things like "when you die, can you tell your grandmother.... blah blah blah". He rings me up drunk, singing horrible songs about me and when I die down the phone. I blocked his number but his voicemails come through. I only listed from time to time, when I want a reminder of why I am NC with him. Sadly, it has also meant going NC with the rest of the extended family as they can be anywhere along the range of helpful/toxic, which fuels my trust issues (that's another story). He is delusional, and on some level I can blame his illness. But fuck it! Why am I the punchbag?

He communicates with my kids via my brother, who with his wife, enable him. They moan about receiving similar phone calls, but diminish my pain "Oh just ignore him". They have no idea of the pain of his vitriol. I now tell them that this invalidates my pain and the fact I am still being abused by this vile animal.

Just read a text from SIL. Only got past the first few words "Hope you are well. Dad sent some cash for your DCs for Easter gifts..." I can't even open the text.

WIBU to tell them all to fuck to the fuck of nowhere and leave me in peace?

OP posts:
Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 08:43

*close-knit not close-knot

I only listen* from time to time

When I say communicates with my kids - he sends money. Kids know there are family issues (they are early teens) and one of them asks why we no longer see him, but I think they understand. They are more sad at missing out on their heritage because of his wanker ways.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 24/04/2019 08:46

Sadly it sounds as if your brother will continue to act as a conduit for this unwanted contact and you may have to go very LC or even NC to eliminate him.

For now I’d have a period of very LC and see if that has any effect.

YANBU.

Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 08:50

Thank you, MatildaCat You mean LC with my brother? I am already that, but feel it's not brother's fault as such. Father sets us up for a kind of rift - although fuck it, brother is an adult! He just likes getting all the merit marks.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 24/04/2019 08:52

I would be blocking your brother and SIL too in that case. Ugh sorry OP it all sounds awful. Flowers

Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 08:56

Thank you, Comtesse I feel so bad doing that, as my kids are close to them. It's not really brother's fault, I think he understands, but SIL is overbearing and wants to be 'the good one' and the helper in all of it, despite my explaining on numerous occasions...

It helps going through it on here. I am angry with her, really, for enabling it, despite my telling her that he is KILLING me with his vitriol. Who then rubs their relative's face in it? It's like she is not listening to what I'm saying.

OP posts:
MrsFrankCastle · 24/04/2019 09:39

I can totally relate, I have always returned the money from my mother who I am NC with and have been for 8/9 years. Eventually the money stopped being sent

Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 09:53

Thank you, MrsFrankCastle I'm sorry you've been through the same. It is controlling and creates further rift. I am so angry about it.

OP posts:
Preggosaurus9 · 24/04/2019 10:08

I'd be tempted to put his rants on YouTube for the world to see what a nasty piece of work he is. But that says more about my relationship to my DM who would never be so careless as to put any of her vitriol in writing never mind a voice recording!

Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 10:13

Preggosaurus9 I know, I know. It's hard not to broadcast it to everyone. Think they are getting the message in the broader sense. I'm sorry you are going through similar with your DM. It's such a nasty thing for an adult to do to their child.

OP posts:
wibbleee · 24/04/2019 10:15

call your phone provider and explain about the nasty calls. many will do a block on that number. sky for example do a "talk shield" so anyone has to say their name and i press 1 to accept and continue. its fab! i`m sure the other companies will do similar. these calls are malicious, end of and are actually reportable to police.

Isitweekendyet · 24/04/2019 10:19

Text and be brutally honest.
I’m NC with dad for a reason, I want no contact, please return the money and stay out of it, I don’t want to hear about what he is doing.

If they ignore you, you have your answer that they don’t actually care about your interests.

wibbleee · 24/04/2019 10:19

and yes your mum is being just as bad by enabling the behaviour.

i am nc with my own dm and her husband (well he`s stepdad officially!). sexually abused me, dm turned a blind eye ( i know she knew). he is a controlling arse, nasty letters etc. so put on the talk shield thing (bliss!). nc with dm more because she has absolutley stood by him . what kind of dm does that?? we are moving and new phone/ address will not be passed around.

Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 10:29

wibbleee I already asked them but they said they can't . THink I will buy a new SIM card soon. Yes, they are on the verge of an injunction, but because he has ASD and lacks cognitive capacity there are complications. Just to clarify, it's SIL enabling and not my mother - mum died when I was a teenager. He only understands clear terminology, so I have already told him - years ago, that this is abuse. I asked SIL to use similar terms with him but she shrugs "it's just a phone call" when he does it to them. I get the worse version though.

I;m sorry you're going through similar with your DM's husband. Horrible, really horrid. I know it's my SIL but I feel like you - she is letting herself be controlled by him and turning a blind eye.

Isitweekendyet Yes, I need to do that - text and repeat my upfront messages with SIL. It's like they don't hear me! Yet when it suits them, I should just ignore him. WTF?!!

OP posts:
AvengersAssemble · 24/04/2019 11:40

Do not respond, the minute you do you open a dialogue for discussion on the one person who is wanting your reaction for attention.

TheInebriati · 24/04/2019 11:46

I come from a similar community and I'm NC with my entire family because they all get involved. They either don't know any other way to behave or get off on the drama.

Your biggest problem right now is your SIL. Its pointless trying to negotiate boundaries with her, that just tells her where to poke. Try the grey rock technique instead;
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

Drum2018 · 24/04/2019 11:56

Get a new phone number and don't give it to any of your family members - not even your brother or sil, as no doubt they will be talked into passing it on to your father. Don't accept the cash. Explain to your children that by accepting anything from this vile man, you are effectively condoning his actions. Tell your brother and sil not to accept things for your children again.

Fiveredbricks · 24/04/2019 11:56

NC with brother. Asap.

wibbleee · 24/04/2019 12:38

i agree new phone.

Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 19:07

Thank you for further posts. The message got worse when I read the rest.

He gave SIL cash to pass on. As they haven't seen us, she took the cash and has written us a cheque for the same amount from HER account, and "popped it in the post"

Angry On what planet is this appropriate?

I can't even find the words to reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 19:42

TheInebriati Sorry to hear you are having similar, and from same sort of community. Yes, SIL big problem, thanks for that article. It's certainly on the right lines...

I feel so sad, and sorry for myself. My poor kids, really, not having decent grandparents. The rift he is trying to create, the fact SIL is putty in his hands, either that or she has read things so terribly badly. And me, the fucking eternal emotional punchbag.

No wonder I feel so weird about people.He fucked me up good and proper.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 24/04/2019 20:41

Tear up the cheque and tell her to piss off.

Original poster
UnlikelyRed · 24/04/2019 23:49

Drum, you really made me smile! I've no idea what SIL is thinking.

Have been thinking all sorts all day. Not replied to her yet. She must know I'm mad at her.

Just to bypass any idea that she and brother are trying to take any credit (literally Wink), I think I will cash her cheque, and send my father back one for the same amount from me, telling him to fuck off I don't want his cash. Then he can see if any of that sum was pocketed by them.

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 25/04/2019 01:41

Take the cash and donate it to a charity.that he wouldn't like.

DietriotukMN · 25/04/2019 04:08

I legitimately would give him a taste of his own medicine. I would take the money he sends. Give it to my kids. And then call him, and say everything you've ever wanted to say to him. Then tell him to fuck off, and that if he tries to contact you or your immediate family again you will call the police for harassment and get a restraining order

SonEtLumiere · 25/04/2019 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread