To tell NC father where to stick his cash?

[UnlikelyRed]

I already know the answer but I need to vent. Stately Homes? I could open a small county.

Alcoholic, abusive, vile father, a lifetime of being controlled and manipulated. He has ASD which has made him do some odd things but he has been unsupportive, disinterested, detached, and nothing short of a complete pig to me since my mum died when I was in my 20s. I went NC about 2 years ago and moved house, he doesn't know where I live. If it makes any difference, parents are from a close-knot immigrant community (think Greek, Asian, etc) where everyone knows everyone's news and where nicer families pull together and actually help each other. He cannot STAND that I went NC. He has my mobile number and leaves me really nasty, cruel messages. These say things like "when you die, can you tell your grandmother.... blah blah blah". He rings me up drunk, singing horrible songs about me and when I die down the phone. I blocked his number but his voicemails come through. I only listed from time to time, when I want a reminder of why I am NC with him. Sadly, it has also meant going NC with the rest of the extended family as they can be anywhere along the range of helpful/toxic, which fuels my trust issues (that's another story). He is delusional, and on some level I can blame his illness. But fuck it! Why am I the punchbag?

He communicates with my kids via my brother, who with his wife, enable him. They moan about receiving similar phone calls, but diminish my pain "Oh just ignore him". They have no idea of the pain of his vitriol. I now tell them that this invalidates my pain and the fact I am still being abused by this vile animal.

Just read a text from SIL. Only got past the first few words "Hope you are well. Dad sent some cash for your DCs for Easter gifts..." I can't even open the text.

WIBU to tell them all to fuck to the fuck of nowhere and leave me in peace?

Maybe your SIL sent you the cheque as cash can easily be stolen through the post?

I'd be tempted to put the money in long term savings for your DC as that there is no it went on Easter stuff satisfaction that can be gained by NC father. Isn't it technically your DC money, so it would be like stealing from them if you just send it back.

Good luck on getting your new phone number.

I need to put my reply here and then I can 'dump' it, IYKWIM.
I wrote back to SIl saying that I am not happy about her involvement, please don't write cheques again. I explained this person is a big harm to me and has caused me mental health problems, which have meant I've needed to put myself in a safe place & have alienated myself. I asked her not to involve herself in anything to do with him & my kids (THANK YOU PP) & that he will cause a rift.

I will cash his cheque & send his cash back.

Of course I got the usual minimalizing message blah blah had no choice, he doesn't understand what he's doing, turn your phone off, blah blah blah, told him several times, he doesn't listen.

I was very clear with her - I'm not asking her to help on my behalf, just to not get involved.

CLOSURE.

Part of me is thinking FUCK IT, if he doesn't cash his own cheque back, I will spend it new fuckoff trainers for my DSs and on therapy for myself. Compensation. But I don't want his dirty cash or his sick ideas.

URGH.

Thank you for listening.

SonEtLumiere
THANK YOU. Yes, this is exactly what happened in the end - albeit over text. There was a bit more to the above as I can't put details on here, but I managed to get across the points that

1. I have made sacrifices to get myself in a safe place, away from his abuse

1. I used your exact words - that I am over playing Happy Families, but and that his actions have actually made me suicidal (first time I've used this word with her, as I am always the strong one). I also made it clear that she is doing exactly what you say - covering up for him - in front of other family members. I can't be a part of that any longer. Have told her in past she is facilitating him.

1. Yes, EXACTLY. I told her the thing that upsets me is that it feels she is cajoling me into accepting the other side of his abuse. When I was little, if I did something wrong he would hit me, and then feel sorry for me when I would cry, and lay on the praise. Well you can guess what that did to me. This is the adult version of that. I told her this. He phones, dumps his anger, then sends cash. I can't accept this. Exactly what you say, I explained that by writing these cheques, passing on messages, she, too, is creating a rift. She may think she is being helpful, but actually it comes across as siding with him (my brother also cajoles) and it leaves me not knowing how to trust them both.

4. You simply do not see this is the way that you do. YES! Thank you for understanding. I explained that her pain, her turning off of HER phone, is simply not the same as my pain, and how he abuse/d/s me. She is part of the way there in understanding his messages are violent abusive. Thank you for that short version. I will continue to use it with them.

This has been part of the problem - not having a 'script' or words for what he is doing. Because we speak a different language, it is hard to communicate this in English, too.

Kpo58 Thu 25-Apr-19 07:36:57
Maybe your SIL sent you the cheque as cash can easily be stolen through the post?

Yes this is why she sent the cheque. But the point is that she should not involve herself in any way at all.

Yes, I thought about that - technically it is DC's money and they are approaching the age where they could have their own relationship with him. I should stay fair. In the other hand, by not giving them his money, I am still protecting them from his abusive, grooming, bribing ways. I am in two minds over it.

Yeah, need to change my number today...

Put the check back in an envelope and post it back to your SIL, Then block her and Db numbers on all the phone, including your kids. Your children don't need a relationship like this with your father or brother.
If they continue tell them you will go to the poice because of harassment.

I agree with Troels - send the cheque back to your sil. You do not need to engage with your father at all. That will only delight him and give him more reason to be nasty to you. Sil chose to involve herself. Let her fuck off now and deal with his anger when she gives him back the money. She's his flying monkey - don't engage with her at all. Not your problem if she cannot stand up to him. As for your kids, don't ever encourage a relationship between them and your father, why would you consider inflicting his behaviour onto them. They will survive without his money, which is simply a control tactic.