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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in hell and manchild DH

37 replies

Sibsmum · 23/04/2019 23:58

I know IABU for calling her that but honestly I have had enough. She has just been here for four days and done nothing for the whole time, except treat my home like a hotel with me as maid of all work.
Never struck up a conversation with the kids, not interested in them at all. Never has been. In the garden on one day pointedly remarked that it was lovely to see DH , her son. WTF???Well he didn't go out and buy a new bed for you to sleep in, sort out our spare room for you, source, cook and feed you for four days ( separate veggie meals) that would have been me and dd's.
I have been told by DH that he,s on holiday, well bully for him, I work ft and do everything else too, ( literally as he,s away 40 weeks a year) when my holidays coincide and MIL visits to see her darling boy, I end up skivvying every time. Oh, and then I go back to work too. My mother says it,s Dh who needs to sort himself and mil?
Seriously, she plonks down and expects service, and DH just seems to revert to infant hood and does precious little while she is here. I think I am pissed off with them both actually.
At 77 and 54 respectively I am not going to radically change either but I have had enough.
Tempted to shove DH off to hers next time and not have her stay again for a long long time.
Am I just really intolerant? I feel I never get a break and perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself.
End of rant- I know I just needed to, thanks x

OP posts:
whywhywhy6 · 24/04/2019 00:05

I think you need to draw your own boundaries. Your DH is the issue and you know what they say about house guests, they are like fish and go off after three days.

Next time, be clear with your husband that you’re on holidays and he will need to set up for his mother’s visit and cook for her and entertain her, and be clear that she can only stay two nights. If it’s longer then you go away for a night or two alone.

Then put a smile on your face and a drink in your hand and zen through it all.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/04/2019 00:06

You should have got DH to cook her meals, why was it you and your DDs, why does it have to be women's work? We've just had MIL to stay and DH has pretty much cooked every meal

KC225 · 24/04/2019 05:30

Spirit some money away into a secret account. Next time your DH announces he is on holiday and MIL is coming to stay, use the money to take you DD's on a little break. Book yourselves into an air BNB in a place you have always wanted to visit. Book a coach trip etc. Visit your mum. Tell your DH you will leave him and his mother to have some quality alone time - he'll soon see how much work it is.

Lasttobepickedatgames · 24/04/2019 06:04

If my MIL visits she has to stay in a hotel due to similar behaviour. She isn't pleasant but then again neither is her son, Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

MsTSwift · 24/04/2019 06:13

Impressive rant op! Sounds maddening. Have image of mil sitting on sofa while op hoovers and telling her she’s missed abit.

CryptoFascist · 24/04/2019 06:16

I like KC225's idea, please do this!

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2019 06:19

You’re on holiday. Great. Time to catch a couple of nights away just you and dd. If your dd is working, perhaps stay in a hotel up the road together. Otherwise find somewhere on the coast perhaps?

longwayoff · 24/04/2019 06:20

Feel for you OP. Please raid your running away fund and do as KC suggests. Treat yourself nicely.

groovergirl · 24/04/2019 06:30

Yes, do what KC225 suggests!

OP, you are so not BU. How long is MIL staying with you for? Can you pop off to see your mum like, tomorrow for a few days? You deserve a holiday, too, and to see your own family.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 24/04/2019 06:40

Your MIL sounds rude and ungrateful but the real problem here is your DH. He sounds like a sexist pig.

user1474894224 · 24/04/2019 06:42

Actually I would send DH and mil away to some old people's coach holiday or similar together. They can spend quality time together and it doesn't impact you a bit.

PrincessTiggerlily · 24/04/2019 06:48

ALl very well saying leave DH to it but he will probably eat out all the time and. Leave the house like a tip so worth telling him that any mess is his to clean up, before you go.

1moreRep · 24/04/2019 06:49

how old are your dds?

1moreRep · 24/04/2019 06:50

could you just go out for a few days and leave him to it?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 24/04/2019 06:51

Yes, you need to absent yourself and your dc for a few days. Maybe an easy meal on the first night then a fridge with some food - to show willing then next morning tell her you and the dc are off for a few days to give her and dh some quality time together. Take your mum (or go to your mum's) she sounds great.

LellyMcKelly · 24/04/2019 07:05

Tell your lazy arse husband that if he wants his mother to stay he has to host. It is not your job. You work full time.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 24/04/2019 07:14

Why are you living up to their expectations?
If your mother can see the solution to the problem, why can’t you?
Not being there next time, with your OH clear as to why, will ensure they have to sort themselves out.

givemesteel · 24/04/2019 07:17

Just make this the last time it happens.

I would write a list of everything you had to do whilst she was here versus what he did.

Visits need to be shorter (two nights is plenty and shouldn't ever be a whole bank holiday) and your husband needs to be doing at least 50% of the work. If she's vegetarian, just get Cook ready meals, they're as good as home cooked (better than my hlme cooked).

Next time, plan with a to do list which you divvy up and tell him that if he doesn't pull his weight then it is the last time she stays at all and he will have to go and visit her alone from now on.

MoreSlidingDoors · 24/04/2019 07:19

My mother says it,s Dh who needs to sort himself and mil?

She’s right.

Thecabbageassasin · 24/04/2019 07:20

Is she aged 77 ?
I would just get off and leave your dh and his mum to it next time she visits, but if she is 77 I would kind of expect your dh to be waiting on her hand and foot.

Petalflowers · 24/04/2019 07:25

As a host, I would expect to cook, clean etc. However, I would expect the guest to show some appreciation, interact with the kids, and not for dh also to turn into a guest.

Just a thought, some people don’t like intruding into other people’s domain, so have you asked her to give you a hand in clearing up etc, or said that she can help herself to tea and coffee whenever she wants? don’t

ShinyShoe · 24/04/2019 07:26

YANBU. It’s your holiday and you aren’t her maid. Your DH should be running around after her. They are both ungrateful and taking the mickey. Don’t do it again. If she wants to stay then make yourself absent into a lovely hotel

Yinderling · 24/04/2019 07:33

your DH is the problem here. do you always do everything outside of work? If so why?

thelastgoldeneagle · 24/04/2019 07:42

You have a dh problem. At least he's away 40 weeks of the year. You only have to put up with him for the remaining 12 weeks.

But his mum - his turn to cook and host. Why haven't you talked to him about it? Show him how much work it is. Ask him why he thinks it's fair for you to do everything?

Ellie56 · 24/04/2019 07:46

I would be pissed off too OP. If she's still there, I would do as PPs have said and take myself and DDs off for a couple of days and leave them to it.