Mother in hell and manchild DH

[Sibsmum]

I know IABU for calling her that but honestly I have had enough. She has just been here for four days and done nothing for the whole time, except treat my home like a hotel with me as maid of all work.
Never struck up a conversation with the kids, not interested in them at all. Never has been. In the garden on one day pointedly remarked that it was lovely to see DH , her son. WTF???Well he didn't go out and buy a new bed for you to sleep in, sort out our spare room for you, source, cook and feed you for four days ( separate veggie meals) that would have been me and dd's.
I have been told by DH that he,s on holiday, well bully for him, I work ft and do everything else too, ( literally as he,s away 40 weeks a year) when my holidays coincide and MIL visits to see her darling boy, I end up skivvying every time. Oh, and then I go back to work too. My mother says it,s Dh who needs to sort himself and mil?
Seriously, she plonks down and expects service, and DH just seems to revert to infant hood and does precious little while she is here. I think I am pissed off with them both actually.
At 77 and 54 respectively I am not going to radically change either but I have had enough.
Tempted to shove DH off to hers next time and not have her stay again for a long long time.
Am I just really intolerant? I feel I never get a break and perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself.
End of rant- I know I just needed to, thanks x

Just why would you?

Yes, I'd do the 'oh sorry DH that I won't be able to help but I'll be away with DD' - obviously the key to this is not telling him until the very last minute.

And of course you don't make the bed, prep the bedroom, buy any extra food, nothing. In fact I'd markedly be out of any items that could be used for vegetarian meals (only in this special case of course) - it'd be meat, meat, meat in the fridge, bone broth instead of milk.

OP as others have said you should disappear whilst she’s there but I don’t think it’ll open your DH’s eyes to how much work it is because she’ll just do it all for him and complain about your absence!

I agree that while your mil sounds unpleasant, your dh is lazy, selfish, helpless and ungrateful - not attractive qualities. Why do you do it all? I'd just tell him that you won't be doing it any more - and stick to it. Seriously, let him sort everything out.

So don't do it in future. Either he goes to his mother's, or you arrange to be elsewhere (eg visiting your mum) or just toughen up and don't be a martyr - no special prep, no separate veg meals, nothing. Let her see whether her darling boy can be arsed to do anything for her if you don't.

at some point your dh hasnt crossed the line into adult.so his mum hasnt either.now yes she should have made sure this passage happened but fgs he should be over that by now and grown up!
she treats him like that he lets it and so the cycle continues.and you never challenge either so whats the problem.for them nothing! but for real people not living in bazaro world its shit.
stop doing it.
"where's tea?
"i dont know what are you cooking?
"have you done this for mum?
"no have you?
etc etc.
go have fun.this is your time.
youve been lovely in doing all this but its passed a certain line now and is something both morally wrong to expect of you and is makin you miserable.time to change.and sorry to say they wont.they are living the good life.
but you and your daughter must.

The more I read the more I can see how the bottom line in this is actually DH's reluctance to tackle his mother. We lost his sister last year so she,s on her own except for him so maybe he is being gentle with her feelings- but he was always a wimp when it came to anything to do with his mum so???mum
I remember his reaction to her saying what a shame it was that dd2 was another girl ( 4 grand daughters no grandsons) he just laughed it off, whereas I was fuming. I wonder if she would be more of a gran to them if they were boys?
I am definitely sending him down to mil more, after loss of sil I can see this becoming a more frequent event of I don't do something about it.
Does that sound acceptable?

Just STOP DOING IT.

As others have suggested, just leave him and Mummy to it and you and DDs can go off somewhere nice for a couple of days.

I have been told by DH that he,s on holiday, that is SO disrespectful. Does he behave like a sexist pig in other ways? He does not value you. Your MIL does't value you. Leave them to it!!!

Well if you insist on writing "doormat" on your forehead and lying down people will walk all over you. Much easier to change your own behaviour then blame them.

We have had a talk. Basically DH doesn't really want to be bothered with his mother, but likes a peaceful existence. I have told him that his attitude stinks and that I am not prepared to take up the slack by myself which is what happens when mil comes here.
He is going there in summer and again in October and I have made it clear that mil is not invading our short 2 week ( about 12 days)family Christmas.
I feel a bit sorry for mil now it's become so clear how much dh doesn't care about her, but it's not my job to fill the gap and basically they both know that I have always done that. Well the doormat has turned! I am going to have to be strong not to be guilt tripped in to doing for mil. I will remind myself how she has ignored me and dd's forever. That will help.
Thanks everyone.
I have nbu just a walk over .

Well the doormat has turned!

That made me chuckle!

Well the doormat has turned!

Awesome. Well done @Sibsmum!