To think that when new partners are introduced

[PinkGlitter123]

To young children, it usually follows that in the next few months that partner is moved into the family home or vice versa?

I have been with my partner for 3 years. Ds (9) has known him the whole time (old family friend) but only in the last couple of months has he started staying over when ds is around. We plan to move in together but won’t be for at least 12 months as that’s what’s best for ds.

As long as what is right for the child is put first that’s the key thing not rushing because the adults are too impatient

Totally agree with this. Problem is, I think most single mums agree in theory but then they get the fanny gallops and lose all perspective.

That made me laugh. The thing I don't understand is that as soon as you move someone in, the relationship inevitably becomes less exciting surely.

In my opinion it’s too soon.
What if the kids don’t like the new person?
Has the other parent met the new partner (probably an unpopular opinion but I definitely think that both parents need to be happy with the people who their kids will be living with)

2 years together here, he's stayed over a handful of times when kids have been here, we holidayed together once, I stay at his on my weekends off.

He has no plans to move in, possibly ever. Nor me his. We imagine retiring abroad together maybe in a decade.

My X on the other hand moved his girlfriend in immediately. 🤷

A year is too soon, no one would be moving in with me before 2-3 years.

Kids come first.

My timetable would be
Kids meet person around 8 months
Kids spend more time with them to get to know them
Move in with partner after 2 - 3 years

I've had fanny gallops. Didn't move him in. I've been with a FB for over a year, and a few months ago we started seeing each other properly. Still hasn't met any of mine, never mind moved in. Even when they have met, he won't be moving in straight away if at all.

When you're child free it's up to you, I've done it moved in with a guy very quickly. But imo, when kids are involved they are your first priority, their safety and emotional wellbeing has to come first. And if this means you cannot have sex on tap, then such is life.

You wouldn't move in the cashier from the local supermarket you have been chatting to over the past several months. Just like a new partner you don't know them.

I started a relationship with DH 11 years ago DSS was almost 3 we tried to take it slow i was only 20 and unsure it was all a bit scary DH was 33. i was introduced to DSS quite soon and saw him regular he cried everytime i left. Me and DH moved in together after about 8 months DSS is now almost 14 and we're still just as close. When it feels right for everyone and the children and happy go for it we have zero regrets

I do think that every relationship is different. My DS met my DP after a matter of weeks due to circumstances beyond my control. However six years on we are still not living together again due to circumstances beyond our control but things have worked out well in that regard.

IMO however the more kids there are the harder it is, and judging from what you read on here and also from experiences in my own life moving in together when there are children on both sides is almost always a recipe for disaster.

No not necessarily. Dd's dad introduced his partner a few years before they married. I have had two long term partners since dd was small (she's 22 now) and I live alone.

Not for me. I introduced DP to my DC after we’d been dating for around 6 months, we didn’t move in together until last year (when we’d been together for 3.5 years).

Where dependent children are involved there should be years, plural, involved not months imo.

It's easy to want to fill the space in a house, to have someone who'll make you a cuppa, bridge the lonely times. Especially if you've been in a long term relationship or marriage. Getting used to your own company is incredibly beneficial though. So I reckon take it slow if you possibly can. It might not even be necessary to cohabit at all if you don't want any more kids and financially are ok. Ditto when you have a decent XH who does their share of parenting/role modelling.

Ten months is actually an incredibly short period of time to be thinking about moving in together.

If there are children involved then that is very very rushed indeed

Some women just can't deal with being on their own and focusing on their kids for more than a few weeks at a time.

Cause single fathers never do this so they?

Dp and ds knew eachother 2 years before we moved in together. We have been together 3. Known him 4.

I think that is too fast in many cases.

I'd known my current partner as a friend for 4.5 years before we got together (when my daughter was 8 months old). We were together for another year and a half before he moved in. She's now 8 years old and he's still here.

I know friends who have moved their new partners in quicker and it's fallen apart, which even if it was completely amicable (it often isn't), is not good in terms of stability for the children, especially if they've already experienced their parents' relationship breaking down.

Perhaps sometimes people are more prone to doing this if they don't know what a healthy relationship is like, and are likely to go through this multiple times. So examine that properly, rather than the exact length of time you've known each other.

I mean if a couple had been together for about 10 months, would it be unreasonable to assume they will soon move in together?

That's an unreasonable assumption anyway, even more so with children involved

There's no rule.

I personally think a year is too soon with young children.

I dunno, I think it completely depends on the circumstances.

Growing up my best friends mum had several boyfriends, my friends never saw them as "a father figure," they were just "mums boyfriend."

They have grown up and gone on to be in long term, stable relationships with kids and jobs going about their lives in a fairly normal way.

My mum stayed single from when our father left when we were very young and my goodness do we wish she had found a bloke to share her life with because she was overbearing in our lives as a result.

Saying that my ex dh plus his siblings are like that too. They spend far more time with their df and step mother, who moved on together (not with her as the ow) quite quickly and found happiness. Their dm never met another man and stayed single thus becoming unbearable to her dc. They don't like visiting her as much because she puts too much on them and makes them feel guilty that she is lonely because she sacrificed her life for them and is quite bitter about it.

I was a single parent for most of the time I had children at home.

They are now older and I notice that they do not seek my approval of their partners. I have even had one of their partners turn up drunk for the first visit to me and since then has never shown up sober. There was one who took drugs. There was a violent, drug and drink taker with a criminal record. There was another who talks a load of sh!t all of the time. There was the weepy one who would spend hours on the phone to me. Never once did any of my DCs or their partners ask me for my views and opinions and I don't know what would have happened if I had ventured an opinion.

Ages after they left home and had DCs I met someone. He has never taken more than an odd lager so would not have been drunk to meet my DCs. Does not take drugs. Is not a criminal. Is not violent. When I tried to make an introduction in a public place there was much shouting and swearing from my DCs and partners. I never did make the introduction. I don't know if my DCs and partners knew that this was him. He knew they were my DCs and partners. He had seen enough and I was thoroughly embarrassed. I would not consider an introduction now. He has seen enough. He has no idea how I could have DCs like that. I don't behave like that at all.

It is very admirable to put your children first and yourself last but think about the fact that you will be the one risking being alone in later years. I was lucky. Between DCs leaving home and meeting DP there were a lot of sad, lonely and upsetting years and night after night alone in the house. I was definitely not a happy life

There's a balance surely, between moving someone in with your children who you met 12 months ago and remaining celibate until your own children turn 30.

Surely introducing them after about a year, give or take, and considering living together and potentially marriage after 3 or 4 years is reasonable.

That should go for both parents who have children still living with them any of the time and school age or younger, not only the mother.

It depends on whether they are ready. Personally I won't be waiting too long because I'm no spring chicken and my DD's are students with their own lives. As H hasn't actually left yet it's very theoretical anyway. But if I had little ones I would be more cautious

*moving someone you met 12 months ago in with your children...

Though if you only met your children 12 months ago the same is true of taking your time before moving a new boyfriend or girlfriend in

That would be to soon for my DC. My ex is back seeing OW (well woman who was OW). He has met her DD (she was only 1 when they started seeing each other). My DC are older and know about OW (they have seen messages from her to their dad) but have yet to meet her. DS has no wish to meet her. He has struggled with the lack of support from his dad from the past few years.

that partner is moved into the family home

No, I don't think it is the usual way at all. Unless you are dealing with a serial offender who always thinks they fall in love completely immediately and this is the one, forever, blah, blah, blah until the next time

Is this you, OP? You want to move someone in quickly?