Passive aggressive meal?

[NeedAGoodUsernameThatIsntTaken]

Probably me being paronoid and reading to much into this. If you were served a toddler sized roast dinner that had overcooked vegetables and undercooked potatoes (hard on the inside and somehow soggy on the outside) made by someone who is a fairly good cook would you consider that a passive aggressive f**k you. The potatoes were worse than any supermarket own frozen potatoes I have tried. There was no crazy or any sauces. Person who served it is my Mil. She wanted us to visit on Easter Sunday, we were busy so compromised with Easter Monday. She won't have been happy with this because she wants it her way.

Stormborn20 agree it’s hard to explain to others without looking like the bonkers one. Or be believed, my parents didn't believe me about mil at first until they were sent one of her PA bonkers texts.

Lweji
I don't have room in my house for my parents and all the people mil invites. And she would not want to be at my house, Christmas day and Easter Sunday have to be at her house. She had her husband, Sil, bil and his gf, her mum, DH's aunt (her ex Sil) and cousin there.

LagunaBubbles she was upset that we, didn't go to her house, pretty sure she would have declined invite to my house

There were 9 of you for dinner on Easter Monday, so she had other guests as well? Maybe she had just always planned to serve leftover Sunday dinner and hadn’t really thought about portion sizes? I don’t see why you should have invited your ILs as well as your parents for Easter Sunday dinner, it’s not a package deal! Did you check that your DH hadn’t said anything that could be misconstrued as agreeing to come for Easter Sunday dinner, or is it tradition that you go to them? All sounds very odd, it seems unlikely that the portion sizes were PA unless the other guests were people who had failed to come for dinner when expected on Easter Sunday as well

When DH was a child they often had a Chinese for xmas dinner.

We were going to in-laws for xmas and MIL made a big fuss she wanted a Chinese on xmas day. However we were actual going out for a chinese on xmas eve and also her local takeaway was awful anyway so we asked to have a normal xmas dinner.

She took a huge strop, complained she was the one who always had to make xmas dinner (not true, usually me or SIL, MIL very rarely made it) but refused any help (we offered to make it all).

So she served a very tiny, over cooked xmas dinner very late in the evening whilst complaining about all the work she had done.
DH and I went out after dinner to a friends house who then fed us properly.
So the only person really who suffered was her and FIL.

This was fairly typical behaviour though...

Maybe she just wants to spend time with her son. How would you feel when your children are grown up and they have to be guilted into seeing you.

Get a grip. You sound awful,

I'm not saying you should have invited her. Just that she probably did see it as a message, and more work the next day when she'd probably want to rest. So, even without being passive agressive, the meal wouldn't have come out as on Easter Sunday. She may well have prepared new potatoes, but separately and not quite get them.

Regarding parents, and if you can't have all together, I think it's a good idea to have a rotation system, so that they more or less know when to expect us.

But, basically, I wouldn't have expected a good meal the following Monday, no. Even from nonPA people.

If my MIL served a meal like that (very unlikely) DH would demand to know where the rest of his food was.

There's always one that replies like sleepy.

My dh would have just helped himself to more, or made himself a sandwich, if mil had ever done this - her forte was different but just as pa.

Stormborn has probably nailed it.

And it must have killed your MIL that not one person at the table commented on the mini, poorly cooked meal ... because no one was willing to give her the opportunity to say it was their own fault for not coming on Easter like she demanded.

Hilarious. I'd ignore her. And feel sorry for your DH who grew up with this shit.

I think there was a little bit of crazy... just not on the plate

If this happens again the correct response is to throw up your hands in horror and say

"Oh MIL - I couldn't possibly eat all that!"

Then leave half of it saying "So delicious, but I'm absolutely stuffed."

Then go home early, calling for a takeaway on the way home.

Maybe she just wants to spend time with her son. How would you feel when your children are grown up and they have to be guilted into seeing you.

Get a grip. You sound awful,

You're the MIL aren't you?

@sleepyyetawake But...she did see her son though. Literally the next day!?

OP has already said that MIL will only host on her terms, and wouldn't have accepted an invite elsewhere. How do you deal with someone like that?

The awful person who needs to get a grip here is the adult offering up 9 servings of notably small/sub-standard food, in a passive aggressive attempt to make a statement. Utterly childlike pettiness.

It's ultimately sad, because she could have been a gracious host and made Easter Monday a happy occasion.

Lovewineandchocs don't think my DH said anything about us visiting until she mentioned it and assumed we were going.

Lweji We used to always be guilted into staying at Mils over the whole Christmas period and the whole of Easter (5 years in a row). It was unfair on my parents so I decided its only fair we host and see my parents for one Christmas day, Mils, reply was "but it could be your grans last Christmas". After that I realised i will spend Christmas day and Easter Sunday at my house. Doesn't stop her just assuming we are going to hers every year.

sleepyyetawake we invited her here on easter Friday, she didn't want to. It has to be at her house.

SchadenfreudePersonified wish I had the courage to say that out loud at the dinner table, I'm too anxious when it's in person

There was no crazy or any sauces.

Sympathy. It’s utterly exhausting dealing with someone when it all has to be on their terms. And unless you have dealt with it regularly you won’t understand what it is like.

What your h has to do is about a month before any event. Christmas, birthday etc tell her what is happening. And he has to accept that no matter what he does she will not be happy. Therefore no point trying to make her happy and do what makes the vast majority of people happy instead

I agree.

You wont be able to please her no matter what you do unless it is completely to her plan, so no compromise in future. Either you do what she wants or you do what you want. There is no point trying to find a middle ground with people like that as there is either the right thing to do (what she wants) or the wrong thing (anything else, no matter how much compromise is made),

OP - I’m so sorry, but it appears your MIL is, indeed, my mother...

In that case I can also translate the will only host / not go to other people’s houses: I am queen bee, and if it is in my home, then I am in charge and everyone must do as I say. Added bonus is my offspring is now held hostage and will have to run the gauntlet of my guilt trips / sulks in order to leave. I cannot be a guest as then I would have to conform to other people’s way of doing things, and that just will not do.

I was held hostage for enormous chunks of Christmas / Easter / summer holidays on the basis of “this could be your grandparents last [insert holiday here]”.

Unlike your DH I was aware how awful she was to my now DH, but I did expect everyone to go along with how bonkers she was and her insane demands as by that point I’d had decades of programming. Eventually went no contact as I emerged from the FOG and realised that she was inflicting the damage on my other half too. Sadly the rest of the family is forbidden to speak to me while I am “rebelling” [for which read - asked them once, very nicely, to be civil to my other half].

Unfortunately these people do not change, and all you can do is minimise your exposure to them and refuse to play their game.

Needagoodusername

You are right, of course - I know what should be said - but I would probably be at least as wimpy as you and soothingly stay silent. . .

Don't eat there again. Problem solved.

Stormborn20 thats a great explanation of why it has to be at her house/ she has to be the host. Thinking about it everything is dictated by her from what we should wear (she used to tell me I should dress up and wear makeup to make an effort for the family because its Christmas), what we watch, what games we play, what we talk about (again I need to make more of an effort in that department according to her), and what gifts we should buy her and sometimes others too. She had a birthday weekend and sent this massive long text detailing what we will do and what they should bring (it was crazily detailed). When we are on her turf we are bossed around and talked to like kids. She doesn't like visiting our house and makes the visit as short as possible.

I have recently started going low contact and refused to go to her birthday weekend and give short grey rock replies to her. At her birthday weekend she questioned my dh about my behaviour, why am I acting like this etc and how can I visit your home if Im acting like this.

What made you get out of the fog if you don't mind me asking? Finding it difficult to get dh to realise his mum's behaviour isn't normal and its actually toxic and controlling.

SchadenfreudePersonified I keep saying next time I'll get the courage to say something :)

Maybe she just wants to spend time with her son. How would you feel when your children are grown up and they have to be guilted into seeing you.

I'd feel terrible as it would mean I'd repeated the mistakes my mum made.

This thread has really opened my eyes more. I have been thinking over the past and I have just realised I have never had a normal interaction/ conversation from mil. It's either guilt tripping/emotional blackmail, trying to bribe us, passive aggressiveness, or talking down to us like children. There is also silent treatment mainly for dh (is that a form of PA?) and only ever seen a full on yelling tantrum a few times (it's her last resort usually). For her birthday weekend she tried the guilt trips etc but when I was still saying no to going so she sent me a picture text of an outfit she had bought for my dc. Dh of course thought she was just trying to be nice so I should go to birthday weekend. It turns out the outfit size was too small and has no chance of fitting dc. Dh thought it's just a easy mistake and I thought the same at the time. But it's a PA f**k you, my dc still thinks I'm being nice and you won't benefit because the outfit is too small. I always thought we could have an adult conversation and clear the air, and that mil will change. I always want to try to see the good in people, but she never is going to change. Can't believe I am so gullible that is taken so many years to realise.