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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage ended via text?

42 replies

AvocadoYUK · 22/04/2019 22:21

So a month ago my husband decided he wanted to split up. I never thought he'd want to break up ever but here we go...
Anyway, for a week he went from I don't love you to "I love you lets work this out" to I need time to think.
Sooo I went to visit my parents for a bit with our baby to give him space. He then texted me saying he wanted to come over to theirs and talk (being 4hr train away) in 2 weeks to talk about us, I replied saying I would be back by then but if it was urgent to come that weekend. (To which he declined with some loose excuse about having dinner with his mum who lives a 2 minute walk from our home..) . So he basically said he wanted to split up and wanted a divorce VIA a text there and then...
AIBU to be pissed off? AIBU to think he ended our marriage via text?? :-( :-( :-( x

OP posts:
Easterbunnynearlyhere · 22/04/2019 22:25

I ended mine by text. We didn't have dc together and I haven't seen him since the night before I sent the message.

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2019 22:31

It’s an utterly shit way to treat someone. Particularly if there has been no massive build up.

It happened to a friend of mine after almost 30 years of marriage. Spineless and indefensible.

OP look after yourself and take one day at a time.

lifebegins50 · 22/04/2019 22:36

That is awful, you must be in shock.

Do you suspect OW?

Original poster
AvocadoYUK · 23/04/2019 00:02

Haha no OW but it just feels so shityy... like he doesn't even realise he has ended this... over text. Apparently I was pushing him so he said it when all I actually said was that is wasn't fair for me to wait a month to find out someone he said he had decided but wouldn't say and that he should have come over that weekend. It would've been easy enough to do but nope....

OP posts:
spritesobright · 23/04/2019 07:43

Of course YANBU. You don't walk away from a marriage with a text message!!!
Appalling behaviour on his part and utterly cowardly.
I hope you're taking care of yourself and getting support from family and friends.
And I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. It will get better but it takes time and proper grieving.

Outnotdown · 23/04/2019 07:47

That's a lousy, cowardly thing to do Flowers

Original poster
AvocadoYUK · 23/04/2019 08:54

Thanks!I thought I was just being bitter, he thinks he ended it when he first said he wanted to break up but to me it was the text

OP posts:
Rach182 · 23/04/2019 08:58

OP that's a spineless and shameful way to treat someone you've made vows to and have a child with. Sorry he treated you that way

@Easterbunnynearlyhere unless there was abuse involved that wasn't very nice.

MIA12 · 23/04/2019 09:00

Utterly spineless. What a coward he is Flowers

Fiveredbricks · 23/04/2019 09:00

Oh, OP. There is another woman. People rarely leave unless they're pushed, and as you weren't pushing him, someone else was pulling him.

Probably along with a deep down fear of fatherhood and commitment if baby is recent.

nauseous5000 · 23/04/2019 09:02

So sorry OP. I've never been broken up with in person and although never married, I thought having a 2yo DD and being dumped by text might have been worst, but we deserve more respect than that, so onwards and upwards when you're ready

PettyContractor · 23/04/2019 09:14

My first thought is that if I was being told I was being divorced via text, my concern would be the being divorced, not how the message was delivered. Focusing on the text seems to be a classic case of responding to a negative emotion by attacking the wrong thing.

Moving on, I don't see anything wrong in using text for this.

I think once you've made up your mind, you're perfectly entitled to send the message any way you like.

I'm suspicious of the idea that it is "cowardly", to me that comes across as this person owes me the opportunity to talk/manipulate/abuse him into changing his mind, or alternatively just lose my shit and abuse him. If he's out, he owes you nothing. The time for talking was before he got to that point.

It's not "cowardly" to avoid an unpleasant experience being inflicted on you by a person you no longer like and don't want to deal with. The idea that it is strikes me as intrinsically manipulative.

Now maybe OP isn't like that, but we don't know that.

Mummaofmytribe · 23/04/2019 09:16

Lordy. That's worse than the post it note to Carrie in SATC.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 23/04/2019 09:37

Financial abuse that came to light on the Sunday. After a year coming. I went to work on the Monday, he text 'sorry', I text back I could never belive anything he said again, he suggested he leave. I said he must. I filed for divorce. Granted with ease.
Never looked back.

Cbatothinkofaname · 23/04/2019 09:43

Easter bunny... so slightly different from the OP, where there is no mention of abuse, they have a baby, he’d been talking along the lines of ‘let’s work this out’ and has just messaged beforehand to arrange to come and talk face face.

Yeap OP, he’s been totally spineless

Rach182 · 23/04/2019 09:44

It's not "cowardly" to avoid an unpleasant experience being inflicted on you by a person you no longer like and don't want to deal with. The idea that it is strikes me as intrinsically manipulative.

@PettyContractor that's ridiculous reasoning.

I hope you remember your logic if work ever fire or make you redundant by text. Or maybe doctors should tell patients they have a life threatening illness by text. Or the police should stop turning up at the door of the bereaved families of accident victims. A text would suffice...?

Sometimes we have to go through an "unpleasant experience" to deliver news in-person in a compassionate way to someone because it makes it slightly easier for the person to digest the news, allows them to ask questions, perhaps get closure and just not be alone. To expect that basic respect from a husband ending the relationship is not "manipulative" but human.

So yes, it is cowardly to end the relationship by text to make it easier for yourself in full knowledge that such delivery will be harder on the recipient.

RedPanda2 · 23/04/2019 10:38

It's not great but it avoids all the possible crying & begging that inevitably happens

Original poster
AvocadoYUK · 23/04/2019 16:07

@PettyContractor
There is absolutely no abuse on either side, I love him so if he's not happy with me then I'm not going to force him to stay with. But you know, married with a baby together (gave up my career to be a SAHM to his asking) so thought I was owed some respect to be talked to to my face.

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 23/04/2019 16:17

I’m sorry OP, you deserve better.

I also think there is an OW. He would have strung you along while you were cooking, cleaning, having sex with him even if he fell out of love with you.....until someone else came along that is. This is just how men operate. He may not have actively done anything but there is someone else in the picture.

I only say this as as a SAHP you need to have everything you can to help with getting a fair divorce settlement, so you need to know if there is adultury.

spritesobright · 23/04/2019 18:56

Wow, the sociopaths are out tonight.
Yes, god forbid someone should cry and beg to save their marriage because it's come as a shock and they actually love their spouse and meant their vows. What a bummer for the leaving spouse whose already made up their mind and can't be bothered to see out the consequences.

It's called empathy.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/04/2019 19:04

@ThatssomebadhatHarry Adultery will have no bearing on a divorce settlement.

This is just how men operate. you really are jaundiced

popsadaisy · 23/04/2019 19:07

Bloody hell I haven't read anyone else's replies but YANBU. That's awful. I hope you are ok xx

popsadaisy · 23/04/2019 19:12

Bloody hell I haven't read anyone else's replies but YANBU. That's awful. I hope you are ok xx

popsadaisy · 23/04/2019 19:13

What @Rach182 said 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

MagicKingdomDizzy · 23/04/2019 19:16

That's an appalling way to treat someone.

I would doubt his insistence there is no OW. Men rarely leave unless they have someone else to go to.