To be deeply offended and upset, wwyd?

[Baddaysforme]

I will try and give a full picture, but I'm interested in if people think I'm bu or if my feeling are justified, and what you would do, please be kind.
So I have been with my husband 14 yrs, and I have always thought he loved me, we have had our ups and downs mainly due to his family, but we have survived, he is my best friend too, so all good.
The problem is masturbating, and porn. I just want to make it clear before I get bashed that I would have absolutely no problem if he wanks everyday watching porn, that would be his own choice, but the amount of times in the past I came on to him, and was told no, not in the mood is unbelievable, to the point I very rarely try. So it has been a thing in our relationship, he knows exactly how I feel, I have told him. He turned me down a few weeks ago, then asked me to grab his phone for him later that evening and I turned screen on, no reason to it, just did, and his browser was open with porn, so he didn't want me but could muster a wank up, was very upset yet again, went through the whole how it makes me feel, not being wanted etc, thinking one day it might sink in!!
No it hasn't, because on Friday just gone, we had a quicky, because as sad as this sounds, I never turn him down, flipping desperate hey! When I asked for his phone, and went to look at something his history was open and right before we had sex he had been watching porn, I mean I really don't offend easily, but I am deeply, upset and flipping hurt.
He knew something was up, asked me if I was OK, told him no, what I'd seen and had he been watching it then come to me for the finish so to speak, all he did was deny it, I said to him OK swear on my life, which he did!!!! So mad, told him he's a flipping liar, just tell me the truth, because I have suspected he's done this before, he admitted that is what happened.
I just feel that this has clarified to me how disgusting I am, I have had very low self esteem, for years now, wondering why I'm not good enough, now this, I just think how can he say he loves me when he has no respect or thought for me and my feelings, why would he think him preparing himself for sex with me by watching porn, then having a five minute quicky is OK? I don't like him anymore, have told him not to touch me, can barely bring myself to talk to him, and the fact he swore on my life is just the icing on the cake, always thought that was a think I can rely on for the truth, just feel so used and stupid for putting up with it for do long, where do we go from here? Any ideas? I can't see how it can be fixed.
Just to point out, apart from this our relationship was fine, he's a great dad and provider, what saddens me is when I look at him I think he's a good looking man who I fancy the pants off, but he obviously doesn't reciprocate, he says he loves me and wants me and will prove it, but how? It's not going to survive is it, I mean I can understand I was 19 stone, not a pretty sight, but have recently lost 3 stone and was starting to feel better about myself, but not any more, feel like utter poo, sorry for rambling on

I dont think that this has anything to do with how you look.
Has he given you a reason for his lack of Interest in actual sex?
Could he have medical issues? Erection issues? Depression?
All of this could affect his sex drive.
Porn can be a kind of artificial stimulant, a bit like viagra. But it has side effects. Can he get erection without it?
It can also be quite addictive, what for some people is harmless, for others can destroy their relationships. Is he willing to address this.
Can you talk to him about his feelings, without bringing your own into them (for the time being. Obviously you will need to address those too)
If he is not willing to discuss them, he needs to know how serious this is for your marriage. Noone should be made to feel the way he made you feel.

I feel for you OP. Pornography and masturbation are not a problem. When they've completely taken over any intimacy in a relationship, it's a very real problem. In some circumstances, it would be a deal-breaker.

My DH didn't seem interested in sex when I was pregnant (didn't help that the hormones made me utterly rampant) and I was devastated. It took a long time to get over this.

Tough though it is, I think the most realistic option in this situation would be couples counselling, preferably with a sex therapist. And yes, I do know how resistant men usually are to this idea. You also need to be prepared for the fact that its contents may be painful. But you can't carry on as you are.

In your position, I'd be inclined to lay this down on the table as a non-negotiable condition for saving your marriage. Your DH needs to know that it's that serious.

for you OP. What an unimaginably painful situation x

I think it sounds like he has a porn addiction, which doesn't have anything to do with you or how you look. It's possible to overcome it, but he'll need counseling.

I don't think he's depressed or has problems with erections or anything like that, I asked him if he thinks he has a problem with porn, he said no, he said he won't even be randy but will just think oh ill watch some porn, then wanks, I asked him that if he can do that, why is it if I try it on can't he go with it if its that easy, he said he didn't know.
I think there must be some addiction to it though, as he also said he's going to try and get it blocked, so to me it means he doesnt think he won't watch it, I explained the whole thing of, if he wanks everyday that's his choice, none of my business, but when he does things so mindlessly and my self worth and how I feel are so low on his radar it is my business, if that makes sense

I'll go with a slightly different angle here - as food for thought, because I have felt the same agony of feeling unloved and not good enough for the same reasons.

Firstly - it's perfectly normal to watch porn, as you've said, and wanting sex/wanting to have a quick wank are two very different things. There are times when you want an orgasm but don't want the whole thing of having sex - a quick release, not a bonding exercise. So if he doesn't want sex but does want a wank - sometimes - that's not something to feel rejected by. This is something it took me a long time to realise, as I used to have a very high sex drive and often felt rejected, until I was on medication that killed my drive and found that sometimes, I wanted an orgasm but I absolutely didn't want sex. It was an eye opener!

Secondly - watching porn before you have sex could be a means to helping him get an erection/get in the mood, as opposed to using you as the handy means to get off? If he's struggling with a low drive and feeling guilty about it, or struggling to get hard and still wants sex, that would explain the porn in that scenario. You won't know unless you explain to him exactly how serious this is/feels to you, and that it's time for him to be honest. If he's not attracted to you any more, or has a porn addiction, or no longer really wants sex, or is struggling to get hard, or any of the reasons - you need to know.

Good luck. I know first hand how emotionally damaging it can feel and I hope that it's more to do with him not wanting to admit a problem, not something more sinister. xxx

I am absolutely no expert on this but I really wouldn’t be surprised if ever increasing numbers of men are becoming reliant on/addicted to porn. Let’s face it - people say porn has been around for a long time, but in the past it wasn’t readily available, was it - you had to buy video tapes, watch them on a tv screen, etc.

I agree that this is not about you OP. But it does need to be resolved.

Oh I'm sorry - cross posted. It does sound like it's a mindless habit for him that's almost removed from his actual sex drive (as opposed to 'wanting an orgasm' drive)?

I’d say ..it’s not about you...I’d say it’s nothing to do with what you weigh.
He has a problem,an addiction.like drugs or booze..he’s distracting himself and using porn to make himself feel better.hes probably depressed

It is not you OP or how you look, it is him honestly.

Watching porn requires nothing of him to get whatever kicks he is after, he can browse by age, looks, sex act, whatever and the varieties are endless, nothing is required of him, the performers do not need him to be engaging, funny, smart, caring or loving, it is for his pleasure only, it is an inherently selfish pursuit.

I had a partner like this, any free time he had was spent browsing porn, that migrated to sex cams, hook up sites and eventually prostitutes. It had been happening for years in secret, and all that time he was rejecting me, making me think there was something wrong with me, it is three years later and I still feel like Shrek's uglier cousin. It will be a long time before I am ever ready for another partner.

My only advice for you is to ask him to attend counselling for this, you attend your own sessions to help with your self esteem and then have a plan in mind to go for joint couples sessions to get your intimacy back on track. If he refuses go by yourself and build your self esteem back up, then you can decide what to do from a position of strength

Op you might want to also check out the website www.yourbrainonporn.com/ it may help explain the addictive side to this.

Have you talked to him about how he feels about your weight?

On a previous chat with him a while ago, he was saying he has a low sex drive, but I said to him maybe if he wasn't wanking he'd want to have sex more, he agreed, he doesn't like to talk about the subject at all tbh, it embarrasses him so can't see him doing counselling, but I do think after 14 years of not feeling good enough somethings gotta give, and I feel like he's broken me, inside. All I want is for him to want me, and when he keeps telling me he loves me, I can't help thinking, yeah right, you just want me here looking after you, be your best friend, because we do have a good laugh together, and if you can be bothered give me a quicky, but I can't imagine having sex with him again in all honesty, think it will just be on my mind he's probably only aroused because he's watched something, I don't think I do it for him, I feel like I just want him to admit it, as you may be able to tell, heads a mess

He always said regarding my weight he was never bothered, but has admitted recently he prefers me smaller, since I lost some

Do you think he would be open to couples therapy? Honestly, I feel this may be the only way to salvage your marriage. You can't go on feeling so poorly.

Hi OP, I don't have much advice but didn't want to read and run. The problem is not you or your attractiveness. Apparently with porn addiction getting off becomes harder and harder ('Scuse the pun!) and the user has to look at ever more hardcore stuff to get off. They become so used to getting off roughly (Hand jobs) that a woman's vagina is too soft for them to feel sensation.
I hope I've worded that OK and it's understandable!
Sorry I couldn't be more help, and I hope other posters will be along soon to give some good advice.

I think the frequency of the porn/wank episodes would be worrying OP. There's obviously a side to him which only porn can satisfy and maybe it's kind of numbed or desensitised him to the sensations and excitement of his real life relationship with you......I think HE ought to be concerned about the damaging impact on his relationship. This has become an easily accessed substitute to his sexual relationship with you. Surely if he's accessing porn this much, the impact of the porn must diminish over time and he'll need possibly more graphic stuff to get turned on. He absolutely has to commit to couples therapy with you OP and get help from a professional - he's in denial, which is ridiculous because the impact is real. I do hope this works out OP. I hope he wakes up and realises how serious this is. Wishing you very best of luck! 💐

Ask him if he would mind you getting your jollies elsewhere in that case.

Ask him if he would mind you getting your jollies elsewhere in that case.

I think that whilst it's very open minded of you to say you wouldn't mind if he wanked/watched porn every day, if he was up for it with you, I don't think you are being honest with yourself OP, I think you would, because your comment about feeling he just wanted sex occasionally to 'finish off' or 'reenact scenes' , that would get to you, how do I know, because my H was watching this shit for several years behind my back 4 or 5 times a week, virtually all girl on girl . I kept it secret how I knew but I can tell you that I went right off receiving oral sex . The brain is a funny thing. Don't feel bad about telling him to pack it in and get it sorted out or you will be ending things. It is a bad habit when it gets this much,, and as someone else said, it's not always for some men about sex drive, for some it's the equivalent of opening the fridge door or smoking a fag.

If I thought my husband needed to watch the filmed abuse of women to get in the mood to fuck me I would conclude my marriage was over

I can completely see why you feel this is a reflection on you - his habit has hijacked your intimacy, he’s trained himself to respond to a very specific unrealistic idea of women and sex and you can’t compete with that - because it’s a falsehood.

You do compare yourself because you’re forced to - after all, it feels like he’s choosing porn over you when in fact, porn is often used as an escape from real relationships. It’s undemanding and it doesn’t ask anyone to be vulnerable and the women are literally gagging for it.
It’s dangerous and it does damage a lot of relationships and is cited in a great many divorce cases.

I’d recommend therapy. This probably runs really deep. Lots of luck.

What AnyFucker said.

Set your sights a bit higher. He sounds like a moron.

I am surprised at people saying that porn in normal, and harmless. Watching images of abused women, and perpetuating the culture of porn is not harmless. Tell that to the teenage girls whose boyfriends expect anal sex, or to choke them, because they watch porn all the time.
A man who wanks to porn every day and has no interest in a real sexual relationship has a problem. With intimacy, with love and affection, with connection. All the things that do not exist in porn.
If he isn’t willing to address his habit and stop then I would leave him. Surely you deserve more than this ?

I think porn can be quite addictive for some men (and occasionally women) they end up seeking out more and more graphic and extreme images. It also is a stress reliever in a way sex isn't (it requires no effort or compromise they can just seek out exactly the images they want and not have to worry about what the other person is feeling/wants). I once briefly dated a guy who had sworn off porn and masturbation as it had ruined his previous relationship. He couldn't enjoy sex because he'd become so used to just wanking himself off and the porn addiction (which was initially just stress relief) overtook his desire for his girlfriend.

Lots of people just watch porn and wank sometimes without it interfering with their life but it sounds like for your husband it's more than that. Of course YANBU to be upset by it. I very much doubt it's a reflection on how attractive he finds you but it does sound like a problem that deeply affects you so I do think you have every right to insist he addresses it.

I know my ex had gone onto some website to inform himself about the problems of porn but unfortunately I really can't remember the name. Might be able to google it though.