To be deeply offended and upset, wwyd?

[Baddaysforme]

I will try and give a full picture, but I'm interested in if people think I'm bu or if my feeling are justified, and what you would do, please be kind.
So I have been with my husband 14 yrs, and I have always thought he loved me, we have had our ups and downs mainly due to his family, but we have survived, he is my best friend too, so all good.
The problem is masturbating, and porn. I just want to make it clear before I get bashed that I would have absolutely no problem if he wanks everyday watching porn, that would be his own choice, but the amount of times in the past I came on to him, and was told no, not in the mood is unbelievable, to the point I very rarely try. So it has been a thing in our relationship, he knows exactly how I feel, I have told him. He turned me down a few weeks ago, then asked me to grab his phone for him later that evening and I turned screen on, no reason to it, just did, and his browser was open with porn, so he didn't want me but could muster a wank up, was very upset yet again, went through the whole how it makes me feel, not being wanted etc, thinking one day it might sink in!!
No it hasn't, because on Friday just gone, we had a quicky, because as sad as this sounds, I never turn him down, flipping desperate hey! When I asked for his phone, and went to look at something his history was open and right before we had sex he had been watching porn, I mean I really don't offend easily, but I am deeply, upset and flipping hurt.
He knew something was up, asked me if I was OK, told him no, what I'd seen and had he been watching it then come to me for the finish so to speak, all he did was deny it, I said to him OK swear on my life, which he did!!!! So mad, told him he's a flipping liar, just tell me the truth, because I have suspected he's done this before, he admitted that is what happened.
I just feel that this has clarified to me how disgusting I am, I have had very low self esteem, for years now, wondering why I'm not good enough, now this, I just think how can he say he loves me when he has no respect or thought for me and my feelings, why would he think him preparing himself for sex with me by watching porn, then having a five minute quicky is OK? I don't like him anymore, have told him not to touch me, can barely bring myself to talk to him, and the fact he swore on my life is just the icing on the cake, always thought that was a think I can rely on for the truth, just feel so used and stupid for putting up with it for do long, where do we go from here? Any ideas? I can't see how it can be fixed.
Just to point out, apart from this our relationship was fine, he's a great dad and provider, what saddens me is when I look at him I think he's a good looking man who I fancy the pants off, but he obviously doesn't reciprocate, he says he loves me and wants me and will prove it, but how? It's not going to survive is it, I mean I can understand I was 19 stone, not a pretty sight, but have recently lost 3 stone and was starting to feel better about myself, but not any more, feel like utter poo, sorry for rambling on

It does seem to be a addiction these days and is changing peoples, well mens expectations . I reckon the real poblem is they think rather then a bit of acting which it is, is its what goes on in the the real world and they have this idea after a time it is the real deal which its bloody well not.

FWIW give me a real woman over a bloody porn site anyday!

As others have said some sort of couples or single therapy for him if he'll agree it to it which he damm well ought to!.

So sorry to read how you feel Baddaysforme but i don't think for a moment your doing anything wrong. Hope it all improves for you:)

I too have experience of this kind of thing in my marriage. The problem may well be he is avoiding / fearful of intimacy. Porn / master action does not require intimacy. You have indicated he can’t talk about it and is enabarrassed and can’t explain. Some therapy that deals with his lack of ability to express himself might help and an experienced sex therapist would be able to help you both to communicate better. You are being extremely generous and loving toward him but being rejected in this way is not fair to you or your marriage.
To encourage you, we had some help and have been able to overcome all of this and are now much more open and the intimacy we now share, 20 years on from where you are is still very much alive. It took me a long time to feel desirable again but it can happen. Love finds a way if you are both prepared to fight for it. Good luck

I think the damage he's done to your self esteem is appalling.
I think you should leave him to wanking and find someone who isn't a selfish idiot who only values their needs.

I think there are two problems. His porn addiction and your weight issue.

Being addicted to a massively misogynist industry that exploits women is gross and that would put me off completely. No-one wants to be with a porn hound - it’s grim.

At the same time, while he should desire you whatever your size, there’s no way I could have sex with a 19 stone man however much I loved them.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My ex was EXACTLY the same. Never fancied a bit always put off till later and then would be tomorrow and the next day so on so forth. Use to really piss me off when I would see he had been watching porn and he too would deny it and say he doesn’t masterbate which is a joke because let’s face it most of us do.
I remember once he had been decorating and must of had a bit of paint on his hands and jumped in the shower after pleasuring himself (without washing his hands) and he had white paint all over his balls and he still denied he had had a wank ha ha ha hope that gives you a smile OP.
You will get sick of it just like anyone else would and the fact he is carrying on when he knows it’s hurting you and lying is making it so much worse. My ex use to say he thinks he’s shit in bed and granted he could never last long so that’s why he prefers wanking and turns me down. He also use to try and get me to watch porn one the rare occasion we did have sex (which was usually after he had been drinking) made me feel so sexy -not and like he wasn’t attracted to me and couldn’t get off without a glimpse of his fave x rated film.
Hope you’re okay hun there’s not much really you can do about it because from my experience the harder you try the harder he will shy away and he will go to greater lengths to hide the porn from you. And who wants to have sex with someone who reluctantly agrees... use to make me feel like a predator and by the time he had said oh right! come on! jump on quickly! There was no way I was participating so I use to turn over and go to sleep upset. I’m pregnant by my ex now and in the space from January to now we have had sex twice.

My advice would be to buy yourself a nice toy and sort yourself out because you’ll be able to do it better than a man could anyway! Xxxx

OP i think sometimes you have to take things at face value rather than over analysing. Does he watch porn? Yes. Does he watch porn as a way to get himself worked up to finish off inside you? It looks like that. Are you okay with that?

I know that this is not what you want to hear, but waist hip ratio is a powerful determinant of sexual attractiveness for men. Google WHR attractiveness and you'll find dozens of studies that support this, like this one:

Female mate value at a glance: relationship of waist-to-hip ratio to health, fecundity and attractiveness.

Similarly, women universally rate tall men as more attractive than short men.

He has told you that he prefers you smaller. At 16 stone you still have a very unhealthy BMI. Would you genuinely fancy him if he was 4 foot two inches tall? Focus on improving your health and as you get to a healthier weight the situation will improve.

My husband was a porn addict. He's stopped now but the damage is done. We never have sex any more, probably about 18 months now.
In every other way he's a loving, devoted partner.
We're best friends now. We'll never be intimate again.
I don't even talk about it now.
I've accepted that this is now a sexless marriage. But I think my Choice is highly unusual. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else.
I'm genuinely content because I don't give a fuck (haha) any more. But I had 20 yrs of absolute misery with my self esteem non existent before I gave up caring.
And the stupid thing is that's when he finally stopped. It was too late for me.
My personal belief is the porn industry is a pernicious evil. Ruins the lives of the girls/women involved and takes over viewers' morals and relationships

And Ncforthisbityou are colluding in this terrible problem by trying to make OP feel responsible. I was a size 10 and in my 20's when my husband's issues started. Don't further batter this woman's self esteem by saying effectively she's let herself go and deserves to be treated like this. Shame on you

Ncforthisbit that bunch of pernicious, fat shaming, victim blaming misogyny is a fucking terrible response.

Thank you for all the responses, alot to think about, xxx

Waist to hip ratio?
My arse.
Totally agree with AF (nice to see you back)

Agree with AnyFucker

The fact you are so relaxed about him watching porn is facilitating his addiction assuming he has one firstly, and secondly he shows you absolutely zero respect for you as a woman by watching it do openly.

The fact it is has finally spilled over into your relationship is not surprising. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

The lack of standards, respect and honesty is killing your marriage. It would be a dealbreaker for me without question.

Just to add, the fact you ask for him to hand his phone over shows there are deeper trust issues here!

I don't ask him to hand his phone over to check for porn, I asked to use his phone as mine was dead, I'm long past checking his phone, admit I used to, years ago, but decided then, probably 5 +years ago that if I carry on obsessing about it then it will ruin us and since then I have hardly mentioned it apart from when it's thrust in my face, so to speak

I'm still laughing over the waist:hip ratio, tall bloke line! WTF! Talk about going waaay off-piste! Sounds like NCforthisbit is suggesting plastic surgery for the OP and a stretching rack for her DH!!! 😂 Nice one.

You can vilify me ideologically all you want, but it doesn't change the reality that finding someone sexually attractive isn't an ideological issue, it's a reaction to external factors that has been shaped by evolution.

The evolutionary psychology of physical attractiveness: Sexual selection and human morphology

How Evolution Explains Attraction

You cannot make yourself override this by conscious decision. That was the point of my counter example of not fancying a very, very short man. Someone can love you and be committed to you even if that spark is greatly diminished. OP should continue to focus on getting to a healthier weight.

It sounds like it could be an addiction, but if it is then he needs to speak to a therapist about this. Yes it may be embarrassing for him and he might not want to, but I think you need to give him an ultimatum - he sorts it our or else you are gone.

I'd like to provide another angle here...

Perhaps his porn watching has desensitized him. As in, normal relationship sex isn't turning him on because he's watching porn.

He's gotten into a habit and it's now caused some issues for him in terms of arousal and getting aroused.

I agree with others and think that couples counselling is an option. I also totally understand your feelings. Do not equate his lack of wanting sex with your worth.

As a side note, some work on your self esteem would be good. Go and do things. Join a new club or find a hobby. Make some new friends or go out with friends you already have. Do something that you really enjoy without him around you. It will do wonders, I promise. Some self love and self care is important too.

WWID? I'd issue an ultimatum, counselling or divorce.

I'm not just saying this either, I have actually done this with DH, although not regarding porn as I consider porn use a red flag for me and wouldn't be with someone who used it heavily in the first case (That's not a dig btw, I just want to make it clear that I'm anti-porn).

The weight thing depends on how much you weighed when you met. If you were 16 stone then or around that, then I have 0 idea what this guy’s issue is. I will get flamed for this but I can, however, understand a situation where you were much slimmer and gained weight, he didn’t find you attractive and didn’t want to cheat or upset you by saying so, and turned to porn. And now has a serious problem he can’t get rid of.

Not saying it’s not fucked up either way - it is - but for me it’s the difference between understanding it and being able to try counselling and work through it, and finding it much harder to get my head around. I have had an ex who behaved in a similar manner despite me being a size 8 though, so could be not about the weight at all either / apparently it was my fault for not wearing sexy lingerie. Some men are selfish and will justify their behaviour any way they can.

Huge hugs from me - what a deeply upsetting situation.

I was around 15 St when we met, went up to 16, had a child piled on the weight, now back to 16 x

Then there is no fucking trigger for this whatsoever and I would find it very difficult to understand how this all happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sadly sounds like your husband doesn't fancy you anymore. It's very difficult to start fancying someone again once it's gone (I was in a situation before when I stopped fancying a partner and it's really difficult).

You could try going to counselling or you could ask your husband what it is about these women in porn that he finds so attractive.

Ultimately you shouldn't have to change who you are for anyone else. This is obviously affecting your self esteem so you need to decide if you want to be in a sex-less marriage or whether this is enough to make you walk away.