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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect boyfriend to tell me when he’s going out?

41 replies

PTBarnum · 22/04/2019 19:33

Not sure if I’m expecting too much on this.

New relationship of about 8 weeks, have had talk of being exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend. I’m having a problem with him not telling me when he goes out with his friends and not sure if it comes across as me keeping track of what he’s up to.

For context I have no problem with him going out with his friends, have never made an issue of him spending time with them, don’t text when he’s out with them or anything but he just doesn’t tell me when he’s spending time with them.

For example yesterday we were texting a bit, he asked me what I was up to, I told him in reply and asked if he was doing anything. Didn’t get a reply for the rest of the day then the next day he texts saying sorry he was out with his friend. I would like if he just said I’m going out with friend will talk later/tomorrow to which all i would reply is have a good time so it’s not like it’d have to be a big conversation/ taking time away from his friends. Is it unreasonable to expect this or is it too much to expect him to tell me what he’s up to this early on? I’m starting to feel a bit like he can’t think that much of me to not let me know the conversation is done for now or to not tell me what’s going on but not sure if that’s just me being a bit needy. Happy to be told if I am!

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 22/04/2019 19:39

I think you're being a bit massively weird about this. If a friend of mine told me that their new person was asking them to do this, I'd tell them it was a big red flag, they were being controlling and my friend should run. Quickly.

morefoolyou · 22/04/2019 19:40

Yeah I think you are b a little u.
It's very early days and you have no joint commitments at this stage. It's up to him to tell you if he wants, I don't think you can insist on it at this stage. Give it some time

CupcakeDrama · 22/04/2019 19:45

yabu

drinkygin · 22/04/2019 19:47

Sorry I agree you are being totally unreasonable. Doesn’t matter how many conversations you’ve had about being exclusive, 8 weeks in this is a bit cranky

Original poster
PTBarnum · 22/04/2019 19:47

Fair enough, just thought it was a bit weird that he asked me what I was doing then can’t just reply saying going out speak later. I’m not expecting to know what he’s doing every second of the day.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 22/04/2019 19:49

I don't think you sound needy. I'm a bit surprised that he didn't mention it, but I'd let it go.

HundredMilesAnHour · 22/04/2019 19:49

I think you're being really weird and definitely unreasonable.

Aprillygirl · 22/04/2019 19:52

I don't think he needs to tell you everytime he goes out with his mates,but in the context that you describe he was rude not to reply to your text. YANBU

CoffeeConnoisseur · 22/04/2019 19:54

It’s been 8 weeks!

Original poster
PTBarnum · 22/04/2019 19:59

That’s it MikeUniformMike I’m just surprised why he wouldn’t say and can’t see a reason why he wouldn’t. I text him something the other morning and he didn’t reply till the next day which is fine, he’s busy I don’t expect him to always be available but he didn’t say anything about why (and I didn’t ask I’m not that bothered about what he’s doing despite the thread!) then he mentions he’d done something with his friend a few days later and I just feel a bit like hmmm why couldn’t you have just said that.

Majority of the replies are that I’m being unreasonable though so I’ll let it go and not worry about it.

OP posts:
MotherOfDragons90 · 22/04/2019 20:13

I don’t think YABU actually. If he’s your boyfriend I think it’s kind of rude to ignore your texts for a day. It’s not that time consuming to say ‘Just going out with X, will give you a call tomorrow’ or something. If you were just seeing one another/hanging out that’s different and you would be U but sounds like you are exclusive?

I don’t know how you would say something without sounding controlling though as that’s what other posters think. It may change as you get further into your relationship and your lives become a bit more intertwined. In the mean time Wine

MikeUniformMike · 22/04/2019 20:20

It would have only taken a few seconds to reply.
It's not a red flag, but it's not great.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 22/04/2019 20:21

I think your example is fine. It's weird to be having a text convo and not to reply that you're going out, especially when there's no expectation of you meeting. It's literally what a conversation is!

It's odd if you're expecting a text just to alert you to the fact he's going out, but it doesn't sound like it is.

Houseonahill · 22/04/2019 20:23

I don't think YABU either, I get that sometimes you get caught up doing things and don't reply to a message for hours but to not reply for a whole day? Like you say it literally takes 3 seconds to text "goin g out with my mates now will catch up with you tomorrow" so I think he's being rude.

Andylion · 22/04/2019 20:28

he asked me what I was up to, I told him in reply

I don't know if it makes a difference but what was your reply, OP? Were you going out with your friends?

Original poster
PTBarnum · 22/04/2019 20:31

Thanks everyone, I maybe worded my OP wrong. I don’t expect him to tell me all the time what he’s doing but like others have said just a text to say out with friends will talk later or even just busy can’t talk now. It’d take seconds to do so that what’s making me feel like he doesn’t really think of me.

Andylion no I wasn’t out with friends, I was sunbathing in the garden.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 22/04/2019 20:40

If living with you, then perfectly reasonable, indeed almost essential. If not, then none of your business really unless he is going to be late for an agreed time you are meeting. You could phone instead of relying on text messaging (sorry if this is too ancient an idea!).

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 22/04/2019 20:46

If you're in the middle of having a conversation and he just cuts off without saying anything and just stops responding, yes I think he's being rude and YANBU to find this odd. It's like just hanging up a phone without saying bye. It only takes a few seconds to say out with friends speak tomorrow

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/04/2019 20:48

Yeah he could have easily texted “Out with x, catch up tomorrow”

See how things pan out I guess, if everything else is fantastic give it a bit of time.

BackforGood · 22/04/2019 21:30

From your title, I assumed this was someone you were living with, not someone you've just met !!!
YABU.I agree with all the first set of replies.
If someone I'd just started seeing was complaining about me not reporting my movements in to them, I wouldn't be continuing to see them.

Springiscomingsoon · 22/04/2019 21:32

Yes I think your title and post haven't explained it well.
I agree with you and I think he is either bad at communicating or rude!
I wouldn't like this one bit.
If this was me I would treat him the same way - but then if you are both doing it there will be no texts at all 😂

stacking1 · 22/04/2019 22:09

It takes around 20 seconds to reply to a text message saying - enjoy the sun, it just heading out with friends, I'll message you tmoro. Simple.

U aren't demanding to know where he is at all times, but I think u should have an explanation as to why u won't be hearing from ur boyfriend for the rest of the day and night. Maybe that's just me.

Also at this stage I wouldn't know how to say that without sounding psycho as someone said previously. But if it happens more often I'd need to say something - maybe that's just me.

Original poster
PTBarnum · 22/04/2019 22:12

Thanks BackforGood we haven’t just met, I’ve been friends with him for about a year but you’re right I need to remember it’s a new relationship and he doesn’t owe me anything at this stage. I haven’t complained about it to him either, I haven’t said anything about it to him because i realise it’d come across as me always wanting to know what he’s doing, which I don’t, I’d just like to know he’s done with the conversation... though I suppose not replying let’s me know that anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
PTBarnum · 22/04/2019 22:14

Thanks stacking1 yes that’s all I’d like. I’ll leave it for a bit and see how things are if we end up spending a bit more time together.

OP posts:
Holidaycountdown · 23/04/2019 00:15

If you’ve been friends for a while is this something he’s always done? My best mate of 14ish years does this on occasion, we’ll be having a back and forth conversation then he’ll get distracted and not look at his phone for a while or write something and not press send and I’ll get a message whenever he surfaces the next day if he was out. It’s mildly annoying but not the end of the world.

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