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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect boyfriend to tell me when he’s going out?

41 replies

PTBarnum · 22/04/2019 19:33

Not sure if I’m expecting too much on this.

New relationship of about 8 weeks, have had talk of being exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend. I’m having a problem with him not telling me when he goes out with his friends and not sure if it comes across as me keeping track of what he’s up to.

For context I have no problem with him going out with his friends, have never made an issue of him spending time with them, don’t text when he’s out with them or anything but he just doesn’t tell me when he’s spending time with them.

For example yesterday we were texting a bit, he asked me what I was up to, I told him in reply and asked if he was doing anything. Didn’t get a reply for the rest of the day then the next day he texts saying sorry he was out with his friend. I would like if he just said I’m going out with friend will talk later/tomorrow to which all i would reply is have a good time so it’s not like it’d have to be a big conversation/ taking time away from his friends. Is it unreasonable to expect this or is it too much to expect him to tell me what he’s up to this early on? I’m starting to feel a bit like he can’t think that much of me to not let me know the conversation is done for now or to not tell me what’s going on but not sure if that’s just me being a bit needy. Happy to be told if I am!

OP posts:

justarandomtricycle · 23/04/2019 00:19

Hi, could you pass a message to bf please?

Tell him we've spotted a red flag and he should get his ducks in row.

I'm joking. Well kinda, yab a bit u

BruceAndNosh · 23/04/2019 00:42

have had talk of being exclusive

Being exclusive normally means not dating or sleeping with other people.
It does not mean being joined at the hip or having to tell the person you are exclusively dating everything you do.

Vehivle · 23/04/2019 01:04

@PTBarnum - I think you worded your OP wrong. You're not asking aibu to want to know when my boyfriend is going out. You're asking "aibu to expect more communication from my new boyfriend?"

You've known each other for a year, but 8 weeks into dating you'd (hopefully) still be in the honeymoon stage and be all about texting/ringing/spending time together. Not texting for a whole day is weird IMO and I'd take it as a sign he isn't that keen. in which case YANBU to feel a bit off about that.

If you're into someone - even if you're working all day - you'd use lunch and toilet breaks to check your phone for messages from them and be happy to reply back. He isn't. He's making himself available for his friends it seems, but not you.

Also - like for me it's basic etiquette that if you're in a back and forth text convo but need to end it for whatever reason - I will always tell the other person so they don't feel randomly dropped/ wonder why I'm suddenly not responding. Even if it's just a quick line to say "g2g" or "speak later xxxx". It takes seconds and means the other person isn't sat like a mug waiting for a response that isn't coming.

If it's a genuine emergency (toddler fell over) then I'll obviously drop the phone but when the situation has been resolved, I'll always come back to the text and apologise and explain why I suddenly disappeared. It's basic manners imo. Of course there are some texting situations where you're just sending a brief text without expecting a reply. But there are other texting situations where it's clear it's like a conversation. There is real time back and forth. In those situations it's rude to just disappear.

So I agree with you PT - he obviously cannot think much of you if he can't even be assed to say "speak later, going out to see friend xxxx". Then no texts for an entire day! He's not got you on his mind much then - despite the relationship being quite fresh.

In short - YANBU.

I would echo an above poster and ask - seeing as you've known him for a year - does he have form for poor text communication or is this is a new thing since dating? If it's the latter - it may mean he's lost interest.

If it's the former - perhaps just communicate to him that when you're having a text conversation - you'd appreciate if he told you when he had to go just so you know the convo has ended. Saves you aimlessly waiting for a response that isn't coming! I had to explain that to my DH. It was a long distance relationship so we had lots of text conversations on WhatsApp or Skype as he had room mates. It took some practice but he got into the habit of 'signing off' so I knew the convo was over and also when he would next be available to chat. Like he'd say "going out for dinner now, be back around 10pm if you want to say goodnight then" etc. Now it's second nature to him and he now says I'm rude if he texts me and I read it then forget (or "don't bother") to respond. We live together now so I've become more lax with texts as I know I'll see him after he and I get back from our respective jobs anyway.

Rosesaredead · 23/04/2019 06:12

YABU - please don't mention this to him!

Bringbackbertha · 23/04/2019 06:58

I'm with @vehivle

You might have known him a year but the relationship is new, so he may not have got into the swing of it and be treating you like a friend. However that seems very poor if he really liked you.

Usually for the first 6 months (or more) communication can be constant within reason, getting to know each other, having silly conversations, learning about each others history, likes and dislikes.

Even now 5 years on me and dh text and message silly little things.

However, this might just be the way he is, and if it is, can you put up with it? Is it something you wont mind going forward.

Early days when dh was doing his boys things or visiting family he would still communicate with me, even to say "I'll be busy for the day for x reason will call or text later" then I would crack on with my day and not be checking my phone.

If you want to carry on seeing him you may have to cool off and not call or text first and take some time to reply back and see what his reaction is.

If this is something you cant put up with then you might have to walk away.

happinessischocolate · 23/04/2019 07:12

YANBU

I think he's doing the classic, he wanted to know if you're going out, once he knew you weren't he stopped worrying and got on with his night out. There's also a possibility that he's one of those guys who thinks you'll tell him he can't go out so didn't reply until afterwards.

Original poster

PTBarnum · 23/04/2019 08:04

Thanks everyone.

No he wasn’t like this when we were friends, he’d always say what he was up to over the weekend/talk about seeing his friends - that was in conversation in person though so don’t know if it’s different because of texting and it feels more like keeping me up to date with his movements?

I’d wondered if he’d been with someone before me who was difficult about him going out and that’s why he’s reluctant to say... but like I said I’ve never had a problem about him seeing his friends, never made an issue of it or text him when hes out with them or anything so I’m not sure.

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 23/04/2019 08:15

No he wasn’t like this when we were friends, he’d always say what he was up to over the weekend/talk about seeing his friends

Lots of people change when they get into relationships and think that by default they get an automatic tracking device on their new bf or gf.

OP, with all due respect, it’s been 8 weeks. Don’t sweat the small stuff

greyspottedgoose · 23/04/2019 08:24

I don't think you're being needy. A quick 'I'm out with friends il call you tomorrow' would take next to no time to send

Biancadelrioisback · 23/04/2019 08:33

It could be that he's had a bad experience before with girlfriends who either don't like him going out, or if they tell him that they aren't up to much, then he says he's going out with mates and they invite themselves along?
I don't always respond to texts either btw. If I'm doing something or someone starts talking to me in real life, then that gets the priority. I figure if you wanted to speak to me and have my undivided attention, you would just ring me.

PettyContractor · 23/04/2019 08:40

The problem is nothing to do with him going out, it's him inserting day-long pauses into what you think is a conversation.

I don't think text is the right medium for a conversation. Although text (and email) make a written conversation possible, they're were not really designed/intended for this.

I was going to say he was rude/wrong not to reply to a question until the next day, but how do we know he even saw the question until the next day?

If you're going to use messaging for a conversation, maybe use Whatsapp or something where you can see if he's read the question? If he has and he doesn't reply, that's a problem.

Original poster

PTBarnum · 23/04/2019 08:43

Yeah I see what you’re saying, but I don’t expect him to be in contact when he’s out with his friends and it doesn’t bother me that he’s not. It’s like Vehivle said above if we’re talking and I’m expecting a reply it would only take him a second to say he’s busy and will speak later instead. It makes me think he can’t really think much of me if he just doesn’t bother and it doesn’t mean anything to him to leave me waiting.

I don’t know if it’s just the way he is or if it’s normal to not say (some people seem to think it is) so maybe I just need to get used to this being the way he is and not worry about it,

OP posts:

SweetMarmalade · 23/04/2019 08:45

When he sent the text asking what you were up to do you think he was hoping you’d suggest getting together? Instead you said you were sunbathing. Just trying to look at this from his side. He might think you prefer sunbathing than seeing him? Maybe?

I do think it’s rude to just not respond though and I don’t think you’re weird at all.

I’m so glad mobile phones weren’t in regular use when I met dp, I think he’d have been hopeless sending texts.

Bringbackbertha · 23/04/2019 08:52

When you have been around him even as friends, did he use his phone alot? As in, could it be plausible he hadn't seen your message, or if he is a frequent user could it be that he was just rude and didn't reply.

I dont think it is something you should put up with unless you really want to, if it bothered you enough to post on here I think it will remain a bone of contention unless resolved

Original poster

PTBarnum · 23/04/2019 09:08

SweetMarmalade no don’t think he would have thought that, we’d made plans for this week and there was a reason he knew I couldn’t do anything yesterday so he wouldn’t have expected to spend time together.

Bringbackbertha he normally reads messages on the home screen as he gets them so he’s seen them but they aren’t shown as read - so although I can’t be sure, I think there’s a good chance he will have seen it and just not replied.

OP posts:

SteveTheSpiderPlant · 23/04/2019 15:50

I am going against the grain here but when I wad dating more than one person at a time I woukd ignore one while I was with the other to the extent i would block their number and turn off app notifications.

I would then retrieve the messages from the blocked box and reply that I had been busy.

I wasn't cheating but until I was exclusive with either one I didnt want to jepodise my chances.

That would raise flags for me.

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