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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu

58 replies

Miss42 · 22/04/2019 18:38

Been with partner 20 odd years,his son is getting married and I ain’t invited, just so upset with this it’s causing massive arguments between us, when ask partner that’s all he says is it’s not my wedding, but his sons fiancée parents are going with different partners, my partner says I have no respect for him cause I keep on about it so anybody think aibu thanks

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Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 19:18

No that’s what’s messing my head to be honest

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FuckingDelightful · 22/04/2019 19:19

If I got married and didn't invite my divorced parents' longterm partners, I think both of them would have strong words with me

Agreed!

Okay so there may not be anything you can do it about it but it's absolutely shit of your stepson!

There is no way in hell I wouldn't invite my parents partners to my wedding. They've been together a long time, have helped me on various occasions and I get on well with them. It wouldn't enter my head not to.

If my mother had a problem with it (after 20 years and when the person involved wasn't the OW), I'd honestly tell her to grow up and stop being ridiculous.

You can't change people's shitty behavior but you're not unreasonable to be pissed off OP. People assume your feelings don't count for shit when you're a step parent and that you should be able to brush these sorts of things off without a second thought. I think after 20 years it's a huge statement from your stepson and I can't believe your partner is okay with it.

Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 19:23

Well it’s been 28, I know he just like it’s not my wedding which I do get that but after all this time I’m beginning to wonder y

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lablablab · 22/04/2019 19:28

If you have a good relationship and you look after the grandchildren, I think it's really off they're not inviting you.

I'd feel the same and I'd be saying no more babysitting as well as distancing myself from them. I wouldn't ignore them or be horrible but I'd certainly take a huge step back.

I don't think YABU to be hurt by this.

Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 19:30

O I am I would never stop my partner having them but if he got work on I have told him he have to take time off because I’m. really not doing it anymore o won’t be going out for meals and things

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HateIsNotGood · 22/04/2019 19:30

YABU - my DN has invited me to his wedding, his DM (my DSIS) and I haven't spoken to nor seen each other in years and nor do either of us want to, because it's likely to be a screaming match - no matter what the best intentions of either of us might be - it inevitably will.

I would like to go, but I won't, because it's my nephew's day - and Sis (no D) is his DM and takes priority over me.

I've yet to formally turn down the invite too much enjoyment knowing his dm is stressing about me turning up but I will and find something else 'special' to do with him and his bride.

Expressedways · 22/04/2019 19:31

I’m really confused about the babysitting and who the children are and how they’re related to you. Do they live with the your DP’s ex? If that’s correct, and if she is the reason you’re not invited, I think you would be completely justified to no longer provide free childcare.

You can’t force and invite though and this isn’t worth arguing with your OH over either. It won’t change anything. But of course it’s normal that you feel upset.

TixieLix · 22/04/2019 19:32

I'm confused from your update whose children it is that you're minding when your DP is at work?

Do you feel you have the relationship with your DPs son where you could calmly say "I know it's absolutely your right to invite who you want to your wedding, but after 28 years of being with your DF and being in your life, can you at least have the decency to tell me why I've been excluded?"

onlyk · 22/04/2019 19:33

Instead of asking your partner just ask the step son directly.

Most likely if you do get on well with step son then it is probably his mum. I agree with delightful you’re not the OW and 20 years is a very longtime so I’d be pissed off too.

Plan to go away for the weekend with a friend, shopping and a show ?

Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 19:35

The children live with my partner x but if she is working she ask him to have the children but if he is working then I wud have them.... but won’t be no more

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HateIsNotGood · 22/04/2019 19:57

Miss 42 pull yourself together, it must be incredibly hurtful and I really understand that, but you are the bigger person and won't start any 'tit for tat' stuff; for your sake, your DP's sake and all of the DC's sake you won't.

It's only a wedding after all...and we already know how many of those end up after a few years...so they're not really that important in the grand scheme of things.

Charley34 · 22/04/2019 19:57

Oh OP how sad for you after all that time too I would be devastated I'm a partner not a OW Etc and I would be so angry and upset .big hugs x

Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 19:59

Yeh I totally get that but it really hurts and I don’t know y but I can’t get it out of my head for some reason believe me I have really tryed

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VforVienetta · 22/04/2019 20:36

Just to be sure - the children are your DP/ExWife's DD's children, that the ExWife has custody of. And the ExWife sometimes asks him to mind them, but when he's working you end up looking after them, which she is aware of and doesn't mind.
So you're good enough to look after her grandchildren when it's convenient for her, but she can't cope with you at the wedding?
If I've got the right end of the stick, they've both got double standards and are being shitty to you.

Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 20:41

Yep everything u said is correct,

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StoneofDestiny · 22/04/2019 20:57

Yes - it is a disgusting way to treat you, and I'm surprised your DH isn't kicking off about it.

VforVienetta · 22/04/2019 21:00

To be fair, it sounds like the son is caught in the middle, and of course he has to honour his mum's wishes over yours.
It sounds like he can't fix it, really the only person that could is your DP - if he's on good enough terms with his ExW to share childcare for GC he can cope with an awkward conversation about why she doesn't want you at the wedding. Time to check his priorities perhaps.

EKGEMS · 22/04/2019 21:11

Your cowardly partner says you're "disrespecting" him by bringing it up? That's the very definition of gaslighting! I'd be rethinking the entire relationship if it was me

Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 21:21

I am stating to question things myself, cause it seems something not rite somewhere

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timeisnotaline · 22/04/2019 21:22

This is shitty. 20 something years together, you regularly do favours and you’re not invited and your dh thinks you should shut up about it. You should remind your dh you are a person, stick to not watching your stepdaughters children, and since your dh won’t , say to your stepson that you are hurt by not being invited, you had thought you had a good relationship and it’s hurtful to feel like you have misunderstood for 20 years.

rainbowsprinkle · 22/04/2019 21:25

I think you need to respect his wishes, as it is his wedding. He clearly feels that he does not have a relationship with you whereby he wants you to attend. instead of complaining to your husband, which is likely making it worse, I would perhaps concentrate working on your relationship with his son and what may be the issue between you both.

Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 21:27

O certainly will be sticking to it trust me,the days of doing favours for that side are well and truly over

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KaterinaPetrova · 22/04/2019 21:29

Your cowardly partner says you're "disrespecting" him by bringing it up? That's the very definition of gaslighting! I'd be rethinking the entire relationship if it was me

Agree with this.

I have step parents and even though my mum hates my dad, she would have been told by me that ultimatums would not be pandered to had she tried to stop me inviting anyone I wanted. Luckily they're all grown adults and we had both my parents and step parents on the top table along with my PIL.

OP I think it's really sad that your stepson hasn't stood up for you. If the ex is holding a 20+ year grudge then she needs telling to grow the fuck up.

I completely agree that you need to decline doing her any babysitting favours in future. You're good enough to watch the kids she has custody of but not attend a wedding that she's going to? Screw her.

Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 21:29

That’s the trouble we get on great go out for food and things so I really don’t understand,I ain’t lowering myself to ask,if I ain’t been invited then that’s enough for me

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Original poster
Miss42 · 22/04/2019 21:31

Thank u katerina

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