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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DH will be away on my birthday for the second year running?

40 replies

Lilacspider · 22/04/2019 13:58

I'm prepared to be flamed for this, as I know on Mnsnet adults aren't supposed to make a big deal out of birthdays and, in the grand scheme of things, it's not that important. Thing is though, I really enjoy celebrating it. It's in mid-May which is a lovely time of year. DH is on a business trip for the second year running. It's a long trip too, so we won't even get to celebrate it the following weekend.

He knew I was less than thrilled when he was away last year. Genuinely don't know if AIBU to be a bit miffed that he's away again this year, or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Iggly · 22/04/2019 13:59

Well if he cannot help it due to work then yabu. You could celebrate another time - either before or after and speak on the day itself.

Kennehora · 22/04/2019 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 22/04/2019 14:01

YABU!
It’s fine for an adult to enjoy birthday celebrations. It’s just not fine for them to care too much about which day it is.
Even kids grow up accepting a party on a Saturday sometimes even a fortnight away depending on availability! Just celebrate another day.

Cranky17 · 22/04/2019 14:01

Does he have a choice?

notacooldad · 22/04/2019 14:04

Go out with your mates and choose another day to celebrate with Dh.
It's what we do in our house.

CordeliaGoode · 22/04/2019 14:18

YABU. It’s a business trip, not a lads holiday ffs

TrickyKid · 22/04/2019 14:23

Yabu. Apart from when birthdays are at weekends we don't spend them together due to other half working away. Not something I'd given a second thought because I'm an adult.

WinterHeatWave · 22/04/2019 14:31

I've spent 3 out of the past 4 years away from DH on my birthday. The year we were together, we moved house! It's just the way the calendar has worked out.
Do something with your friends (or children) on your birthday, and celebrate another time with DH.

Surfingtheweb · 22/04/2019 14:36

I can understand why you're upset about it. Of course it's nice to spend your b day with your husband.

Purpleartichoke · 22/04/2019 14:36

My Xh often missed my birthday for travel because my birthday was near an annual conference. However, the conference and the birthday rarely overlapped, he just liked to add tourist days to his trips. That was an issue I just could not let go of in marriage counseling, or clearly 20 years later since I am here posting about it.

Original poster
Lilacspider · 22/04/2019 14:56

Sorry to hear that Purpleartichoke Sad. Flowers

My dh's trip is for an annual conference too, but the first one was only last year. And no he can't help it as he will be speaking.

Thanks everyone!

I see the general consensus is that IABU so will indeed suck it up without moaning too much Wink Grin

That's a good idea about going out with friends actually ( if I can persuade my lone teen to come with us or go out with her friends too).

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 22/04/2019 15:06

Why can’t lone teen just stay home?

Hitheresunrays · 22/04/2019 15:09

I don't think you YABU. It's your birthday and your DH is missing it, I think you have the right to be miffed. I would say don't let it ruin your birthday, celebrate with him before or after and try and have the best time possible!

Vulpine · 22/04/2019 15:10

Yanbu! Birthdays are important.

Original poster
Lilacspider · 22/04/2019 15:23

Thank you Hittheresunrays, and I agree Vulpine, but I think us three are a minority here!

Teen could stay at home Ellisandra but she is a young teen, and house, old, dark and gloomy. I'd be happier if she was occupied elsewhere.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 22/04/2019 15:26

Yes I've never understood this anti birthday malarkey on mumsnet

justasking111 · 22/04/2019 15:34

We have missed birthdays, xmas etc. because of work schedules, oil industry. What we do is have an official celebration when he is home. Once left the xmas decorations up until he was home then had presents, turkey and all the trimmings in January. It sucks but needs must sometimes.

iolaus · 22/04/2019 15:35

If this was going out with his mates for the weekend I would say you were 100% reasonable at being annoyed - however this is work and if an annual conference where he is speaking then really no way of him getting out of it, so it sucks but it's not his fault

Would you be able to go over to where the conference is and make it into a break away - especially if in half term, you and your daughter could do something in the day then you spend time together in the evening

Original poster
Lilacspider · 22/04/2019 15:45

Nor me Vulipine! I love birthdays (especially mine!) Grin

iolaus I did think about going with him, but it's in term time unfortunately.

Oh that's brought a lump to my throat (about the delayed Christmas) justasking Flowers

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 22/04/2019 16:04

YANBU but there's bugger all that can be done about it. Presumably as its an annual thing he will now be away for all your birthdays as long as he is working where he is working.

2 things. Is there any chance you can go with him. Maybe just for 2 nights, lone teen can stay with friends or family member. You could spend your day by the pool (presuming its a hotel) Or wandering round the shops then spend your evening together.

Otherwise why don't you start a tradition now of doing something for yourself on your birthday whatever that might be show spa shopping museum etc. I would be miserable too hope you can make the best of it

Damntheman · 22/04/2019 16:13

I totally see why you're upset OP! Birthdays are important to me too and that's a massive bummer.

DPotter · 22/04/2019 16:21

I agree with you - it's OK to feel miffed about your DH being away on your birthday - especially if it's due to a conference which due tend to repeat the same week.

My birthday is also mid May and my DP and I have just realised he's away the weekend either side of my birthday and then I'm working for the next 2 weekends. So I'm planning an evening in - trashy TV, half a bottle of prosecco and something nice from the ready meal fridge.

Just as an aside - the spell checker doesn't recognise 'prosecco'....

MrsSteve · 22/04/2019 16:26

Forces wife here. DH misses birthdays, Christmases, kids birthdays, weddings, funerals (luckily made our wedding but that wasn’t guaranteed). It’s crap but it is what it is.

Original poster
Lilacspider · 22/04/2019 17:53

That sounds tough going MrsSteve Flowers. Not half as bad as you experience, but dh did travel almost constantly for most of the "infant" years of dc from about 1-7 yrs, so I do have an inkling of what it is like.

I quite like my own company so I'm usually not that fussed when dh travels in the normal scheme of things, it's just that I like him to be around for my birthday. He's not that bothered by his birthday though, so I can't really expect him to be bothered by mine!

Thank you Damntheman and Nousernameforme. He assures me that from now on the conference will be held on different dates , so we will see ... . Otherwise I might accompany him or start a tradition of my own Wink.

Sorry you are in the same situation DPotter and that you are so busy on adjoining weekends. I do very much like the sound of your "chillaxing" plans though! Grin

OP posts:
Brefugee · 22/04/2019 18:02

@MrsSteve

feel your pain - forces brat here. My dad missed all my birthdays (including the actual birth) until I was 18 - then was at home for my 19th but by then I was in the Army and away...