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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider 'two' weddings?

29 replies

Gettingthroughthedays · 22/04/2019 13:12

Please be kind.

We have been engaged for 5 years and both have children from previous relationships plus one together (ages between 17 and 5). We have been engaged for so long because not only do we struggle financially, our respective families aren't over the moon with us being together (don't ask) so while we know they would attend, it would put a bit of a damper on it because we'd know what they were thinking internally.

I've never wanted a big do, all I wanted was to get married in the church then a meal or something for the kids benefit, but even the thought of that fills me with stress as it won't feel as if it's OUR wedding day because of the families.

I've been thinking about it for a good while and how to do it with just our children present but, as there are so many, it just isn't feasible because of travel costs and child care (eldest child has physical disabilities so couldn't help) and as we'r would need witnesses, we'd have to invite 2 people which would naturally put a lot of people's noses out of joint.

Plus, from a selfish point of view, I would really like to enjoy our wedding night without the stress of having the children and it just being the two of us (this is only an occurrence which happens for a couple of nights per year) and doing it just us and the kids would mean we'd spend the evening with 7 children. I couldn't ask anyone to help with childcare if they are not involved in the wedding. So this is what I've come up with and I need honest opinions (without being mean if poss!)

Part 1 - we get an elopement package, just the 2 of us to say our legal vows and spend our night together.

Part 2 - the following week we have a church blessing with kids and any family members who want to attend followed by a meal.

We will not be married in the eyes of the church until we have a blessing so it's not a cop out/ fake wedding but the legal bit will have been done and therefore stress of the day gone and able to relax and enjoy the church ceremony with everyone.

I would never go ahead with anything if all the kids weren't on board and nothing would be secretive. I just don't want to broach it until I'm entirely sure it is not just a completely selfish idea.

We just want to get married without the stress but still want everyone who cares about us to be involved. Really I only care about the kids but I need to take both our immediate families into consideration too.

OP posts:
tanpestryfirescreen · 22/04/2019 13:16
  1. Just take your children to the registry office. Meal in the pub. Done.
PurpleDaisies · 22/04/2019 13:18

That sounds fine to me.

EL8888 · 22/04/2019 13:21

@tanpestryfirescreen yep! If l get married again then that’s what l will do

GreyBasket · 22/04/2019 13:26

Confused about your interpretation of being married in the eyes of the church. It's if a blessing, then it's not regarded.

Are you particularly religious?

Original poster
Gettingthroughthedays · 22/04/2019 13:34

After the marriage is blessed it will be recognised in the eyes of the church, if its only a civil ceremony we will still be seen as single which is why I only wanted a church do but cannot afford it. So really it would be registry office then still having to have the blessing soon after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettingthroughthedays · 22/04/2019 13:43

I suppose also part of my issue is if we have it at the local registry office people people would want to know why they're not invited (and we couldn't go further because the travelling with 9 of us or find accommodation which wouldn't result in us spending our wedding night separately in 2 family rooms.. plus the expense) where as if we buggered off then had the church ceremony it would possibly be ok by everyone.

If it came to it and kids weren't happy with that plan then ultimately it wouldn't happen. I'm just trying to think of ways to enjoy our nuptials, include the kids and not cause any further problems within families. We're under so much stress it would just be nice for this to he stress free but also meaningful.

OP posts:
Bringbackthestripes · 22/04/2019 13:56

Elopement package then church blessing sound perfect.

Original poster
Gettingthroughthedays · 22/04/2019 14:06

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 22/04/2019 14:14

A friend of mine is really wise about this kind of thing. She and her partner got married, just them and the kids. They didn't tell anyone else until afterwards. They all had a new outfit - nothing scripted, just whatever they wanted. They hired a limo and all travelled together. I think the kids did readings they'd prepared. They had a nice meal, played games together and spent the night there too. It's a lovely, happy memory for all of them.

The point is, there are many ways to do it but you have to unhook yourself from what you imagine other people might think. Just do your thing! What would YOU really enjoy? Forget other people's traditions which are nothing to do with you and get creative. Enjoy!

GuineaPiglet345 · 22/04/2019 14:19

It sounds like in your situation people are going to be pissed off whatever you choose so do what makes you happy and bigger your respective families. If anyone moans just say when it came down to cost this was the only way you could afford it, no one can argue with that.

GuineaPiglet345 · 22/04/2019 14:19

*buggar not bigger Grin

YahBasic · 22/04/2019 14:22

We did two weddings as DH is a non EU national and it was the easiest way to get him into the country to start looking for work.

That was a basic legal bit, and then we had a big ceremony & party over a year later. I don’t think that many people know we were already legally married.

Purpleartichoke · 22/04/2019 14:26

You can do the small wedding with just your kids at your local church. You don’t have to do a destination wedding to keep things small. As for witnesses, the obvious choice is whoever would be watching the kids on your wedding night.

Windygate · 22/04/2019 14:28

As the religious aspect seems important to you why not have a very simple church ceremony with just your children present? I'm sure your parish priest could help you find discreet witnesses for the ceremony. In your shoes I wouldn't tell anyone in advance. If funds allow you could host a low key party, BBQ or similar and announce that you are now married at the party. If anyone asks why just say being married was more important than a wedding.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/04/2019 14:43

You can get married in a church with just a few witnesses, the two of you and the priest/vicar/minister. It doesn't need a fuss or loads of flowers or expense. Friends of ours just had themselves, two witnesses and the priest. It's certainly unusual but definitely possible.

Original poster
Gettingthroughthedays · 22/04/2019 14:47

Thanks everyone. Yes I'm going to keep thinking because obviously what we'd both prefer is us and the kids. That sounds fab sandandsea! Money is a worry too of course but but if I keep looking hopefully I can figure something out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettingthroughthedays · 22/04/2019 15:05

I'm going to speak to pur priest and see costs of just having an intimate ceremony us and the kids. Maybe 2 people from the parish could stand as witnesses then we could have a meal to celebrate the following weekend. We just can't afford to feed everyone so if it's not on the same day we would just pay for us lot and either wanted to attend would get their own. I know how miserly that sounds but we just can't afford a big meal.

OP posts:
GreyBasket · 22/04/2019 17:43

A church blessing is a half way house for those not eligible to have their marriage recognised by the church. I really think you need to seriously consider the reasons for doing it if you are not allowed to actually marry in church (by proving your previous marriages ended without fault towards you).

A blessing categorically does not make your marriage "recognised": only an actually church marriage does that.

If you can't have that - for whatever reason, just discount that as being part of the consideration as you can get a "blessing" anytime and it's worth no more than the paper it's written on (or not, as crucially, you get no certificate for this option!)

If I were you, I'd just have a lovely small civil ceremony and then a party. On two dates if you want to.

Waveysnail · 22/04/2019 17:46

Could u not just have church service and do tea with scones in church hall.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/04/2019 22:57

Our church doesn't charge anything for weddings. Since you won't be wanting a choir you might be lucky with the cost, especially if you can take a weekday slot. Priests are usually keen that couples marry in church so hopefully yours will be helpful.

Original poster
Gettingthroughthedays · 23/04/2019 08:45

Greybasket I'm saying blessing but what I mean is sanation which would make the marriage valid.

Thanks all for your advice, I will speak to the priest.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 23/04/2019 08:47

Our church doesn’t charge at all.

Scanon · 23/04/2019 08:51

Are you catholic? Marriage is a sacrament which you give to each other. In my opinion, priests want to control everything too much and you shouldn't worry about it being officially recognised by the church. It's a man-made rule; Jesus had nothing to do with it.

I think your idea sounds perfect, though. You could do a meal at a church hall where people all bring a dish?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2019 08:52

If youre having a blessing in church then going for a meal afterwards, surely that will cost the same as a church wedding and meal afterwards? But with a blessing you're also paying for the registry office do.

Who will be having the 7 kids if you run off to get married? Can't they have them the night of a church wedding?

VanillaCoconutDove · 23/04/2019 09:12

Yes, where’s the expense coming from with the church wedding? Most churches I know don’t charge a fee for the actual congregation to be wed there, only for fair weather picture seekers who want a Saturday in June.

Are you a member of the church?