Sacked as a bridesmaid

[rainbowsprinkle]

So last week my SIL sacked me as. bridesmaid and I genuinely don't know whether IABU or her.

Just for context, I am a student and she is several years older than me and has lived with her fiancé for about six years. We were all delighted when he proposed last autumn because it's something she's wanted, and has made clear she's wanted, for a long time.

Anyway, there was an initial problem because she'd asked some family members to be bridesmaids (before the proposal) and changed her mind, leaving them pretty cross. As a consolation she told them that they could go wedding dress shopping with her, but on the week of the day said they couldn't come because there wasn't enough room in the taxi.

So - already some bad feeling in the family, but I was pleased to be asked and looking forward to it.

Even though the wedding was two years away I was asked to pay £60 for hair, £70 for make-up and £40 for specific coloured shoes. I said I would pay for hair and shoes but that I would do my make up myself. I'm good at it, and could definitely have done the make up she wanted, but she was cross about it (i should say that she's buying the dresses, which are £20 each).

Then a chat was set up to discuss the hen do. I won't have a car or an income, so said I would travel up to 90 mins (my mum would take me) and pay up to £150. Was this mean do you think? It felt in keeping with what everyone else was saying, and we found lovely properties that fit the bill. In the end, the bride chose something much further away. Those of us without transport were worried, so told her we would struggle to attend. She said she would do a meal for those of us who couldn't go, which was fine.

The last straw was finding out that she had been very critical and unkind about the fact that me and my bf got engaged. She had phoned and FaceTimed people to say that we had taken the shine off her wedding, had stolen her thunder, that it was her time to shine etc.

I contacted her to say that I'd heard about this and that we should clear the air, but instead I was sacked. I'm not worried about that really - in many ways it's a relief tbh - but if IABU then I need to apologise, because I always do if I'm wrong.

Again, for context, I didn't know that my bf was going to propose, it was a surprise. We've been together three years, so it felt right. We haven't set a date yet, so I don't think we've stolen her thunder and our wedding will definitely be after hers. I suppose that I have been talking about wedding stuff, because I'm excited, but imagined that we'd be able to talk about things together. She lives an hour away while we live in the same town as both of our families, so people have been taking an interest and asking lots of questions.

So in her last message she said that I had taken the attention away from her, that I had obstructed everything she'd planned, that I hadn't offered to help (I genuinely didn't know that she would need any help yet, absolutely expected to be helping with invitations and favours and things nearer the time).

So, I'm a lot younger than the other bridesmaids and feel that, if I've genuinely behaved badly or done something wrong, I need to make it right. So, AIBU?

"So in her last message she said that I had taken the attention away from her"
Her wedding is two years - TWO YEARS! away. Does she seriously expect that the entire world will be paying rapt attention to her for the Next. Two. Years?

YANBU. You have done nothing to apologise for (her, on the other hand ...). Don't you dare offer her a general apology in an attempt to smooth things over, either; she sounds the type who's self-centredness is fed by such politeness and it would only make her behave even worse.

How are you actually connected to this raving narcissist? You call her SIL - is she your fiancé's sister, or is her poor husband-to-be your brother?

Oh dear, maybe someone needs to tell her that its a wedding DAY, not a wedding two years. Its just the one day that she can expect to be centre of attention.

You’ve ‘stolen her thunder’ or whatever?? This wedding is two years hence! Is everybody supposed to put their plans/lives in hold until then? Ridiculous. I know weddings have to be planned in advance but hair and make up, two years in advance.

You have done nothing wrong. Bonkers.

compulsory to stay at the wedding venue on the night of the wedding and the night before, costing £100 per night. That say's to me that they are getting a massive discount on the wedding as long as they have the required room booked and paid for.

Anyway OP you have dodged a bullet she will only get worse over the next two years. Use their wedding to learn everything you DON'T want to do with your own wedding.

I am confused - she can’t be your sister in law surely if neither you nor she is maried?

Is she marrying your brother? Are you marrying her brother?

Op’s already said that it is her boyfriend’s sister. So not really her sil.

Oh dear god! Bloody Disney Princess Bridezilla. Count your lucky stars OP.....
oh, and congratulations 😊

Oh God she sounds like hard work. Does she think she is the only person allowed to be engaged?

You had a lucky escape there. YANBU.

Hi op,you sound a lovely person,your sil sounds very self absorbed and selfish,and with not being bridesmaid that gives you a bit extra to save for your wedding.
Ignore her,don't feel you should keep quiet about your engagement/wedding plans.
Let her carry on,people will see her social media posts and make up their own minds😊.
Congratulations on your engagement,💝👰🌺

Sounds very familiar, my ex best friend got engaged, then my partner proposed to me. We were going to be each others MOH, had even suggested a joint wedding somewhere. Then it all went sour on her part. Started being bitchy, dictating how I should look etc. Eventually I said I didn't want to be apart of her day and she wasn't being a part of mine. That was 5 year ago almost. Best thing I did was tell her straight. Never spoken since and dont intend too.

Your SIL is being very unfair to you and others. I personally would decline taking part of her wedding. Explain to your brother why and leave it at that.

l had one bridesmaid (my cousin). She was like a sister to me, and still is, thirty years on.
l made her dress and petticoat (and mine), l paid for her makeup (and the practice) and her hair done on the day. Her boyfriend was our usher, and in between us getting engaged and married, they announced their engagement.
l was delighted for them. We got married in July, and they got married in October the same year.
l think you're as well stepping back and keeping well away, to be honest. You've done nothing wrong and l suspect she's only going to get worse in the lead up to the wedding.

No wonder you are feeling relieved. She sounds like an entitled brat, you are well out of it!

I got a message when I got engaged to DH, from someone who was already getting married who wanted all the wedding details and info just so that we could make sure our wedding wouldn’t be at a similar time to theirs!
It is entirely possible, IMO, for people to get engaged and married to others and to be happy for them, even if it’s the next week, because, well, you’re happy for them!
Sounds like you dodged a wee bullet there OP, naturally some costs are incurred as a bridesmaid but I think it would be costing you a lot of money to be in such a stressful situation!

OMG PLEASE do what AssangesCat suggested. Get married tomorrow. I have a dress you can borrow. I'll be a witness. It can be my birthday present (I'll even let you steal my thunder )

She sounds very high maintenance. She has probably done you a favour in all honesty because I would put money on there being unnecessary drama on her actual hen.

I'd be non stop talking about MY WEDDING to her when in her company with ever increasing, tacky, ostentatious arrangements think posh and becks/peter andre and jordan. Just to wind her up, and yes it should be held a week before hers. Or else you should start pinching her ideas for your wedding (to be held before hers).

She sacked you as a bridesmaid? You are being unreasonable. The correct expression is "she sacked you off as a bridesmaid" 😆

First of all, can I say that you sound really lovely, kind and considerate. And she's acting like a typical bridezilla I'm afraid.

She's already wound people up and upset them before you were even on the scene and it wouldn't surprise me if those people said they didn't want to be involved so now she's looking round for other people to make up the numbers for appearances sake.

When my daughter got married she paid for her bridesmaid's hair and make-up. She bought the dresses but said they could chose their own shoes (they paid for them) as long as they were silver. And bridesmaid dresses for £20? Really? Unless she's got them dirt cheap in the sale then she sounds like a total cheapskate.

I feel I should also point out that the bride doesn't usually organise their own hen do … if she's doing this then she obviously wants total control.

As for being mean about your own engagement. It's nothing to do with her. It was your boyfriend's decision to do it now …. what were you meant to say. No, not now, I need to wait until after my SIL is married? It doesn't take away from her wedding and she has no right or expectation for you to not get engaged. Sounds to me as if she's a bit jealous - maybe because all her plans for her own wedding are now coming crashing down because of her behaviour.

YANBU, You've done nothing wrong. You've not behaved badly. I would step away from it all. Enjoy being engaged and planning your own wedding … and make sure you don't turn into a bridezilla yourself :)

"I feel I should also point out that the bride doesn't usually organise their own hen do"

I don't see why she shouldn't. I think it is a big ask of someone. If I was asked to organise a hen do I would refuse. When did it change from brides organising their hen do? This century? It always used to be the bride organising a meal and a drink.

Has she also had a go at her brother for proposing to you? What does he think about her crazy behaviour?

Please keep us updated with any future ridiculous demands she makes of her friends and guests! She sounds priceless, comedy gold in fact.

Tell her to grow the fuck up.

You offered to do your own make up to save yourself some money - You did nothing wrong here.

You advised her BEFORE the hen party was booked that as a non driver you could travel up to 90 minutes and could pay £150 for budget. She arranged the hen do knowing full well it would be awkward for some people - Her fault not yours. You did nothing wrong here.

Your BF (her brother!) popped the question to you, completely by surprise without you having to nag him to do it - You did nothing wrong here.

She sounds seriously immature and self absorbed. Stealing her limelight? WTF? Get over yourself love! The world doesn’t revolve around you and your wedding!!

As many have said, you sound like you’ve had a lucky escape! I feel for the poor suckers who are still stuck in her perpetual wheel of wedding shitiness!

A lot of brides imagine that their wedding is the central day of everyone's life, not just theirs. They expect everyone to put their own lives on hold so she can be a diva for months.

You're well out of this one!

Who pays £70 for make up but only £20 on the dresses? That's scandalous!

You don't have control about when your bf proposes. That's just crazy!

My SIL wasn't pleased when my OH proposed to be because we 'took the shine off her pregnancy' 🙄 some people are just very self-centred.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong and that behaviour is shocking. If she's your brother's wife-to-be then he should be having some seriously stern words with her. In no world is that acceptable!

Well I think in the long run that you will be glad to be out of the wedding party tbh OP, but I am wondering if your fiance and his sister are usually competitive or if anything like this has happened before.

I think it's fine to get engaged/pregnant/married at the same time as sometime else though! Unless there is some kind of rota that I've missed!