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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests negativity is draining me

36 replies

NegativityWipeout · 21/04/2019 13:22

More of a WWYD.
NC and I hate lazy journalism!

My usually lovely friend has come to stay for the long weekend as we are both without our DC this weekend.

I feel as though I’ve seen a whole new side to her since her arrival and I’m currently sitting in my car having had to escape for a while “as was running low on coffee”

She has been so negative about absolutely everything, not in a CF way but just in a drainingly negative way.
Laughing about her other good friends new business venture.
Being really nasty about her exPILs who supply full time free childcare and seem like nice people.
Delighting in the failings and misfortune of her coworkers.
Sneering at happy things in my life, the holiday I booked was too expensive she could have gotten it for half the price, when I try to move on from it she keeps going on about it.
I’m a mug for helping friend A with her garden, something I enjoy.
Giddily discussing silly plans to “get one over” on people I hadn’t even heard of before.
Little comments like “they saw you coming” and “more fool you” about nothing things that I enjoy like baking cakes for DC activity which I don’t bring up but have weekly shopping and to do list thing on fridge.

It seems rude to address her behavior on a whole and argumentative to pull her up on every comment.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Bambamber · 21/04/2019 13:24

'bore off negative being a negative nancy' would just about suffice I think

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/04/2019 13:25

She sounds dreadful. Maybe time to ask if something’s Wrong?

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/04/2019 13:27

I can offer no suggestion other than to take it as a lesson and cool the friendship a bit. I’ve had to do this with a friend I was really close with. Last time she came to stay I swear she drained my blood, she took so much out of me with her negativity-amd she really didn’t like it when I offered an alternative opinion to hers. We’re still friends, but she won’t be coming to stay again, we’ve grown apart

MRex · 21/04/2019 13:28

You say she's lovely usually, so I'd probably say something like "Oh for fuck's sake woman, will you stop being such a negative moaning cow about everything this weekend? I'm going to pour you a drink and give you food, then I expect laughter and fun at last or we're going to watch a film in silence. Got it?"

That's probably not advisable, it's just what I'd do. Or fake being ill and send her home.

FrenchSchnoodle · 21/04/2019 13:30

Oh god. How awful. When is she leaving?
It's very difficult to know what to do for the best. I think I'd have to ask her outright what her problem is and explain how bloody exhausting being with her is otherwise the entire weekend will be ruined.

sackrifice · 21/04/2019 13:31

Depending on whether I wanted this friendship to continue or not either:
Get a friend to call with a fake emergency that you have to attend immediately and stay over so she needs to go home
or
Tell her to go home the very next negative thing she says as you don't want to spend the rest of the long weekend with her negative bollocks dragging you down.

Wasywasydoodah · 21/04/2019 13:33

What MRex said. If changing the subject doesn’t work then it’s worth a try. Or, I’ve found people are mostly negative when they’re unhappy. You could ask her what’s wrong because she seems so negative about everything?

bringbacksideburns · 21/04/2019 13:34

Eh? Why on earth don't you say something? Confused

I'm assuming you are good friends who have known each other a fair amount of time?
Very next snipe make sure you pull her up on it. " Bloody hell whatever name! What on earth is wrong? You aren't veing your usual self and you are being really negative and sneery about everything. It's really bringing me down tbh. Can you lighten up a bit?"

If she gets arsy then leaves then at least you get to enjoy the rest of your weekend without her putting you down!

Original poster
NegativityWipeout · 21/04/2019 13:36

I’m not even sure if she is usually lovely anymore, maybe our time was always much more diluted.
She has always fallen out with friends and had problems at work and with partners but she can be great fun too and has been so supportive too, although usually always when there’s an “enemy” ie EXDH or “misery” ie Mine!

She’s leaving tomorrow so not much longer but I feel I need to say something.
I’d prefer to keep it light and cool like “...is there anyone you do like?” Haw haw!
Any retorts welcome.

OP posts:
ThePants999 · 21/04/2019 13:40

How about "I'd hate to hear what you'll be saying about me when you get home..."

ChicCroissant · 21/04/2019 13:45

For someone to be this constantly nasty about others, there is likely to be a longer-standing issue - but that doesn't help you get through today!

I find a breezy 'another character assassination x?' will stop them in their tracks and when (hopefully when, not if!) they pause you can ask them
why they are not happy (politest version)

or why they spend their time plotting vengence on others (less polite version)
or why they hate and fall out with everyone (only to be used in extreme circumstances and if you are looking for her to walkout - does she have her own transport?).

Get her out as early as possible tomorrow and do something lovely for yourself. She's probably had a lovely time and will want to do it again so have your response ready!

HDG1234 · 21/04/2019 13:48

Can you ask her in a nice way if there’s anything wrong as she doesn’t seem as, erm, positive as usual? Sounds like she’s unhappy. I can get a bit negative and moany when I’m tired and it can be a vicious circle so she needs to snap out of it

HDG1234 · 21/04/2019 13:51

I do think it’s worth asking her in a nice way though. Even if she says she’s fine your query will probably resonate more than if she feels attacked

Acis · 21/04/2019 13:51

If this is unusual for her, it could be worth asking whether something's wrong. If not, I'd be tempted to ask why she never says anything positive. If that leads to a major huff and her leaving early, so much the better.

Lalliella · 21/04/2019 13:57

She’s jealous of you. She’s trying to do you down. I have a friend who’s like this sometimes and weirdly other times is lovely. She’s like this more when things are looking up for me, and nicer when things aren’t so good. Your friend is probably currently feeling insecure about herself for some reason, but this doesn’t excuse it.

Every time she says something negative shout “Negativos!” in the style of Miranda.

bewaretheidesofmarch · 21/04/2019 13:57

I think people like her are like dementors, sucking the happiness out of everything. My sister's the same, it's very wearing to sit and listen to.

Boysey45 · 21/04/2019 14:03

I think it sounds like she might have depression,could you ask her? Depressed people can be very negative and often don't realize how bad they are sounding.
Everyone I know has fallen out with friends, partners and had problems at work at some point.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 21/04/2019 14:07

If she's usually more likeable, then as a friend I would try to help her by pointing out that she doesn't seem her normal positive self, and asking if everything was alright with her.

If, on reflection, she has always been a bit like this, but you never had to suffer a whole weekend of it before, then I would grit my teeth this time, and gradually see less of her in future.

Sounds like a rubbish weekend Flowers

Springwalk · 21/04/2019 14:12

I too would ask her what is wrong. If she is usually not like this then maybe there is a reason.
Some people do just become bitter as they get older. No rhyme or reason just life brings them down.
Best avoided for whole weekends, and consider diluting in future.

TheInvestigator · 21/04/2019 14:27

She's your friend!! Why can't you just confront the issue and ask what is wrong with her?

I don't have any friends I can't speak to directly about things like this and them to me. We don't get angry or fall out over it. If we did, then we aren't friends to begin with.

screamifyouwant · 21/04/2019 14:36

People like this are usually very unhappy and can't find anything nice to say . It makes them feel better to be so negative about everything.
It's draining!! I've worked with people like that but to have someone in my house Shock.
If you are good friends just ask her if something is wrong if she says no why say well because you are so negative about everything.
It can go 2 ways she will either open up and admit what's making her unhappy or she will deny anything make out it's you and fall out with you .
Either way I'd still say something.

Cherrysoup · 21/04/2019 14:49

After each time she slags off something or someone, look at her very seriously and ask ‘Why are you so negative about EVERYTHING?’ She sounds thoroughly painful.

PregnantSea · 21/04/2019 14:49

If she's usually alright then this is probably a sign that she's not happy at the moment. Not sure what you really do with that information other than try and be supportive if she wants to talk.

I agree with others that if she's a good friend you should be able to say something in a jokey way about how she doesn't seem to like anyone or that she's being really bitchy this weekend - I don't think I'd be particularly offended if a close friend said that to me.

LonelyTiredandLow · 21/04/2019 14:51

Does sound like she is depressed OP. I think you should ask if she has anything positive in her life as while you were out you realised that she seems really sad. If she brushes it off don't go further but you can give examples of what seems off as you have here if she asks why you think that.

I'd do that and try to build her up a bit personally. I know I can get negative when depressed and everything anyone else does seems like it is something I should have thought of and done (your cakes for eg - shows you had time, cared and felt up to the effort) which might just be making her feel inadequate. From what you've said she has had a bad time of it - although i've no idea how long ago - but it does sound as if she is missing structure or something to keep her occupied in a constructive way. Does she have any hobbies?
I'd turn it into that if you can, she is probably completely unaware and desperately sad.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/04/2019 15:09

What MRex said. I would call it out. Tough if she doesnt like it. She may be ill, OR she may be an unpleasant cow - only you know the answer to that OP.