Kids breaking things - discipline

[cheesenpickles]

So, our 3 year old dd has broken the plug in our fitted bathroom. It's one of those horrible pushy in ones that she has pulled out. Dh has now tried to push it back in and it's dropped and got stuck. He's currently removing the trap and trying to jimmy it out.

It's part of a whole fitted unit (which I was dead against ) and he, in his usual fashion, is saying the whole bathroom is broken and will need to be totally ripped out (same thing happened when our fitted fridge door sheered off, but I'm not complaining as we got a whole new kitchen).

He's pretty angry, things are right at the moment and he thinks we should take dd's Easter choc swag etc.

Personally, it was an accident, she is 3 years old and told us immediately. She's very upset and she obviously didn't understand it's a different type of plug to what she is used to at nursery.

This is after the toddler ripped out an air vent in our living room and where the plaster had blown anyway has left a great big hole in our wall. The plasterers were due to come in anyway and it can be fixed but dh is ranting and raving about the kids destroying the house.

Should there be consequences? She is usually a very very well behaved girl (we joke she gave us an unrealistic view of having kids because she is never naughty/if she had a tantrum she always says she's "going to take herself away to calm down" unprompted.

*things are tight

I'd be more concerned about your DH's behaviour to be honest. Replacing a whole kitchen because the fridge door broke? Wanting to replace your bathroom because one small part of it is broken? He sounds like an absolute child himself.

Yes, what your dd did was an accident. One that wouldn't have happened if she had been more closely supervised. Poor kid.

Wow is he unreasonable!! She's three for heaven's sake, it's not like she's nine and was doing it for a laugh. If it was an accident and she feels bad about it then comfort her and let it go.

No.
And think on about the effect your dh reaction has on your daughter at such a tender age.
My ddad over reacted to things being broken. Normal things like household crockery. A window.
All that happened was that we ended up jumpy and nervy and conflict averse.
With my children, accidents are accidents and treated as such.

She hasn’t been ‘naughty’ unless you had repeatedly told her not to do something and she did. She is a young child and doesn’t understand the consequences. Our DD recently put some ‘money’ in the car CD player, it turned out to be a parking ticket but she didn’t know what would happen and we hadn’t told her not to so how would she know not to it?

Your DP on the other hand sounds ridiculously childish and unpleasant.

I’m not sure discipline is the issue. Your DH behaving like a loon is the biggest issue here!

Kids break stuff, it was an accident and they told you immediately.

She broke it by accident, feels bad and DH wants to take away all her easter chocolate? That's crazy. If he's so precious about the house he needs to make it less vulnerable to being broken by toddlers.

He had calmed down now but tends to get really 0>100 when things like this happen.

He hasn't shouted etc but just tends to go from mishap to "worst case scenarios" before calming down. Our ridge tiles came off in strong winds on Xmas eve and he basically said we needed to cancel Xmas (we didn't).

The kitchen DID need replacing but it was a bit like a forced hand situation.

Dd was unsupervised because she is building up to going to school this year and we are allowing her more responsibility. She had started to take herself to the toilet and has never given us a reason not to trust her. She was super apologetic and very upset (so I gave her lots of cuddles and assured her it was an accident and she was a good girl for telling us right away). Toddler is just generally destructive and testing her boundaries at the moment. I can assure you they are well supervised!

Relax. Kids have accidents it's how you react that makes a difference. Do you want her to come to you with problems when she's older or keep everything a secret for fear how you might react?

She is so little. It wasnt intentional. Very cruel to make her feel worse than she already does. An accidents happen,I know you didnt mean it, it can be fixed. You being happy is far more important to us than the bathroom plug being broke. Thankyou for telling us. We love you. Chat is needed here. Not taking away a toddlers Easter eggs for a small unintentional accident. Get a grip it's the bathroom plug. She already feels bad. Agree with previous post would be more concerned with your husband's behaviour than your daughters. Reassure her it's ok.

Shes only 3 so no to punishment, she didn't do it on purpose these things happen. Let her enjoy her easter

My 3 yr old is always breaking things. She genuinley doesn't understand the importance of the action.
Mostly she is looking how things work e.g pulling the plug out to see how it works, pushing the laptop screen back to see how far it goes (and then knocking a cup of coffee over the other laptop which broke) and her plane crashing into the base of the tv and cracking the screen.

I'm not saying that the level of supervision was inappropriate, but that you can't leave them in a situation where stuff like this can happen and then get mad with them when it does happen. Not at 3 years old.

The consequence needs to be a stern talking to about pulling/pushing/poking things that are not toys. It should be a talk that lasts under one minute, not a rant, and delivered in a calm voice, not someone leaning over her wagging an angry finger in her face. Followed by a hug.

The Easter swag confiscation would be really mean imo. She is 3.

It's not her fault that things are tight.
Her dad needs to 'take himself away to calm down'.

I take it from your post that he tends to catastrophise?
He needs to stop that. It's not a personality trait that contributes to good parenting or healthy relationships.

How are the small children able to spend enough time on their own away from adult supervision to pull out bath plugs and rip an air vent off a wall?

How is a three year old 'used to' plugs? They shouldn't be anywhere near them.

DH needs to apologise if the DCs saw or heard any angry reactions of his. This is a very important element of parenting.

She's three! And it was an accident! The poor little girl already seems terrified by it. She shouldn't have to be.
There is absolutely no punishment needed, and if anything she needs more love and reassurance about it.

Your husband really needs to get a grip, or he's not going to do your kids any good at all. There are going to be a lot more accidents ahead. Things get broken. Kids don't have all the skills to manipulate things yet.

Ignore me, I've just realised it must be a sink plug, not a socket.

I think baby brain has struck me very early. The other day I parked in the petrol garage and went in the shop completely forgetting I wanted fuel. I had to put down what I was buying and go back out and move the car and put it in before going back in the shop. I also completely misread the instructions on a pack of vitamins yesterday too.

It was an accident and she is upset about it. She's not done it purposefully and it doesn't sound like she was asked a number of times to leave it alone.

Your DHs reaction is ridiculous.

So he sees her Easter gifts as being conditional in things not getting broken? He is really overreacting! She told you, didn't try and hide it. His behaviour is going to make her hide accidents and breakages because ”if I get punished for saying the truth about accidents I may as well say nothing and hide it, might get away with it”

Breakages happen. This is why you supervise young children. I know my partner hides breakages because his ex-wife would go ballistic - I don't, accidents happen to us all. It's how you react that matters. But because he has had 20 years of her overreacting to a broken glass, chipped plate, cracked tile etc that has ruined, fucking ruined the house! so he doesn't say a word but just clears his stuff out of the way so it wasn't him...

There is no point in blaming and punishing for accidents. It just makes people scared to admit things. We are all only human!

I'd ask him if this is how his parents reacted of things went wrong when he was little. Could be learned from that

But yeh he is being ridiculous

All calmed down now and he's given her a hug and said he knows it was an accident. I've spoken to him numerous times about catastrophising things and while he usually calms down faster now it's always "worst case scenario". He once forgot to pay a bill on time (usually I sort all the paperwork ) and we received a reminder and his first thought they'd take the house away from us. Took a lot of talking down that it was absolutely fine. He didn't shout at her or anything (he just rants at me about what's the point of spending money on a house that just gets destroyed instead ).

To the pp I was making the kids their breakfast in the kitchen when the toddler ripped it off the wall. Our kitchen is right by it but slightly from eyeshot but was literally in there for seconds. The plaster has blown anyway and a tad crumbly and it was blocked off by a chair. She's wily and wiggled into a gap we thought was too small to reach and did it. It had been removed by the plasterer previously to see what he'd be working with and I don't think he'd fully screwed it back in or the holes were so perished that it just went. We've blocked it off again and removed the vent. It should be fixed soon. We've explained she mustn't touch and dangerous but she's at that age where everything is a challenge and she's a toddler so we know how their logic works.

The reason I asked about discipline was because other parents I know talk about naughty steps and taking things away but we've not needed anything like this and I thought perhaps we were being silly/were potentially setting ourselves up for spoilt kids.

When they have been "naughty" (heavy use on the inverted commas) I usually sit them down and talk to them firmly but calmly at eye level and try and explain as simply as possible about what's happened and how it makes people feel. It's something I very rarely have to do though.