AIBU not to tell my mum I’m pregnant yet?

[ZaraBanana]

I love my mum to bits but as soon as I tell her anything it’s public knowledge in our family and with her friends. Even when asked not to share info, she does - e.g. she told me my brother and SIL had got engaged when they had asked her not to so they could tell me in person.

I’m about 4 weeks pregnant and not really ready for everyone to know but I am seeing my dad and brother this weekend (my parents are divorced). I know they will keep it quiet if asked and I’d like to tell them both in person. But I also know my mum would be so hurt to be the last to know so I am feeling a bit guilty about that approach and wondering if I should tell everyone together at about 12 weeks.

So WIBU to tell my dad and brother now and ask them to keep it quiet, and tell mum after my first scan?

I would wait until you're
Ready to share your news and then tell your parents first.

Totally fair

Her inability to keep her mouth shut has consequences

It's your news not hers- someone will be the last to know 🤷‍♀️ I'd be inclined to make a point out of it if she says anything and remind her if the times she's broken a confidence!
Massive congratulations too :)

People wait until their viability scan or 12wk scan for a reason. 4wks is like being 2 days late 😳 why are you telling anyone yet?

Do wait until you're further along and ready to tell everyone.

@Fiveredbricks I think that's changing to some extent. It all depends on the person. I told certain people early on as if anything had of happened I would have wanted their support.

OP I'd do as pp suggested, tell you dad and brother and if you're mum finds out at a later date make sure you reiterate why

If you want to tell dad and brother now do it. Ask them to keep quiet about timeline as mum ot being told until later. If mum does find out tell her you weren't sure she could keep the news to herself so wanted to wait.

@fiveredbricks people often tell close family and friends earlier than 12 weeks because they are excited and because they would tell these people if they had a miscarriage too. I think it is rare to wait 12 weeks before telling your own parents.

I think you should maybe wait and tell them together if you are worried about her feelings being hurt, I think it could cause unnecessary tension at what is supposed to be a happy time. Obviously it's your news and it's up to you who and when you tell it to; but if you tell your dad and brother without telling your mother I imagine she would be quite upset, I know my mum would be.

My MIL is the same so that meant we told my parents at 6 weeks and her at 12 weeks, she assumed we’d told everyone at the same time and we never corrected her so she never found out that she was the last to know.

It's a hard one, I understand why people wait til 12 weeks and why you wouldn't tell your mum until you're ready for everyone to know if she has form. But having miscarried at 7 weeks all I wanted was my DH and my Mum at my side, could you be really firm with her or is she likely to tell people for sure?

I wouldn't even be thinking about telling people at 4 weeks.

If she is hurt then she only has herself to blame, very sad you can't trust her not to tell anyone.

I remember the first time I was pregnant. I was only about 6 weeks and at a party my aunt came up to me and said "I hear congratulations are in order" in front of loads of other distant relatives.... I asked her what she was talking about... she fluffed and fluttered and said "for being in your house for a year" (which was a lie) I was gutted but quickly realised my mum had told her plus another close friend.

I was so angry at her.

You are still very early pregnant but it's up to you who you tell. Perhaps wait a little longer before telling anyone who might spill.

Also I know you say you can trust your dad and brother, however slip ups happen and it can be hard to forget who knows and they may inadvertently say something in the company of others, not on purpose but it does happen

I wouldn't even be thinking about telling people at 4 weeks.

You are not OP though, are you? OP clearly wants to tell her family yet, so what’s your point? Her thread, her pregnancy, her decision.

I know where you're coming from. I decided to do the same with my mother with this pregnancy. Because the last time I was pregnant the whole town knew about it and were congratulating me before I'd even had my first scan
I told others before I told my mother this time and when I did eventually tell her the news she didn't mind that others knew beforehand. I think she knew the reason why without me telling her.
Shocking though that I could trust my 5 year old to keep it quiet but not my mother!

We waited until 12 weeks for exactly the same reason. We were absolutely justified because she has told pretty much everyone she knows (even though we said we wanted to keep it quiet).

Just tell who you want to. When you eventually tell your mother and she's hurt that she didn't know first just be honest and say that she can't keep secrets and you weren't ready for everyone else to know yet. It's the only way that she will learn not to do this.

I told mine at 12 weeks. I didn't want anyone other than dh and I to know until then.

Important to tell your work HR early though, as the second they know you're pregnant maternity rights kick in (pregnancy sickness is counted differently to ordinary sickness, you get all antenatal appointments off - paid).

Agree with PP, tell your brother and dad if you want to, but let them know it's secret and that you need them to be discrete about timeline when it is public.

I told DF the day I had a squint and you see it line. My Dsis found out by accident before my other siblings (walked in on me crying over a little bleed) - she did a convincing 'finding out' reaction when I told my other siblings.
When we Got to 8 weeks we told the people we'd want around us for support in the event of a miscarriage.

I would tell your DF and DB if you want to. It really is personal choice. Would they tell your DM when they found out?

@Fiveredbricks as someone who has had both a miscarriage and a termination for medical reasons, I still tell family as early as I want to. I appreciated the support.

Congratulations OP :)

From someone who had their pregnancy secret ruined by a MIL who couldn't hold water I would wait.

We found out months after we told close family and friend MIL had already told them. DH brother, DH neice, DH best man who obv then told his wife who told 3 other couples..... who sold the story to the local paper who then leaked to the national press and then our pregnancy was announced on prime time BBC evening news etc etc

Thanks everyone - lots of views and quite a mix, which I guess reinforces the fact that it’s not an easy decision.

To those who said they wouldn’t tell anyone at all yet, I do understand your point of view but I don’t share it. I hope all goes well with this pregnancy but if it doesn’t, I would probably welcome some support and after my husband the next people I would turn to would be my brother and SIL who are really close friends as well as relations.

On impressing on my mum that this time I really mean it, I and my brother have both tried so many times but it’s never worked. The wedding example was just one but I could have given a massive list. This might be the first time that she managed to keep a secret, but I don’t want to test it and be wrong...

So still not completely sure what to do but I think I probably will tell my dad and brother before my mum, even if I don’t do it today. But like the PP whose MIL found out later but didn’t know that was the case, I’d hope mum would just assume everyone heard at 12 weeks.

Oh and thanks so much for the congratulations - I’m so happy despite the conundrums it is posing already.

Do whatever makes you feel happy and supported OP. You know your own family and if you'd like your father's quiet support without your mother spreading your news around, then that's the right choice for you. Your mother need never know she wasn't the first to hear.
And congratulations!