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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel a bit sorry for myself

31 replies

SPR1107 · 21/04/2019 05:45

Difficult pregnancy to say the least.

Told on a Thursday I was to be induced the Monday. Have a 2 year old so was panicking as this would be the longest we'd been away from each other.

Monday pessary in, Tuesday AM, ready to go to labour ward but there was no space. Had to wait 36 hours before I could go down. Smooth labour, 2nd degree tears. General after birth aches and pains.

Back on to the ward and that night baby is violently sick and has 17 poos, didn't even get to lay down, let alone sleep. Paediatrician sent to see him and hes admitted to special care. As this is for the babies and not you, spent the next two days and two nights on a meeting room style chair, as couldn't face leaving him. Finally on third night, they gave me a room with a pull out bed where me and baby could sleep.

Sent home the next day (baby diagnosed with allergy), finally get reunited with my 2 year old, next day, baby has blood in his mouth, back we go for another day (day 7) in hospital.

DH has two days left of paternity as all now been spent in hospital. But they're spent inundated with visitors. Next morning, open my eyes to find a 2 year old standing next to me, covered in bloody chicken pox!

DH has to return to work, 2 year old can't go nursery because of pox. Day one of being alone with newborn, and what I expected to be my first day of 'taking it easy' since giving birth and I now have to juggle a poorly toddler, who is struggling with the fact there's suddenly a new baby, and that he had been away from us for an entire week, plus a newborn, plus all the after pregnancy aches and pains. Yey.

Husband has to work good Friday and Saturday because it fell on his weekend, so not only first week back has been stressful, DH has had to do a 6 day week.

My mum (who is usually very reasonable), starts getting on my case about it being out of order that I haven't gone out shopping and sorted Easter eggs for all my nieces and nephews this week whilst I've been home!!!

Had a meltdown today because I feel like from the second baby was born, I have had no time to let my body heal, bond with baby, or spend one on one time with toddler.

Every single day has been non stop since the second I gave birth, and I feel like everyone around me has forgotten that I actually endured labour. Nobody has asked me how I'm feeling, and seem to forget that we've had zero time as a family to adjust to our new set up.

I knew a meltdown was brewing, and with the week in hospital and then a newborn, both DH and I are lacking on sleep, so night before last, I slept downstairs with baby, so DH could get a full nights sleep, in exchange that I would get the same last night. But here I am at 05.39, feeding baby, and have been since 4am, whilst DH has gone up to bed, because he apparently couldn't get him to settle.

Sorry to be long, sorry to be ranty, I know there's far worse things that can happen in life, but I just feel sorry for myself that we lost so much time as a family with DHs paternity, that I've lost the time to lay in bed bonding with my newborn and that my poor toddler has had to adjust to being 'abandoned' for a week, a new baby, and chicken pox all at once.

OP posts:
Katyy · 21/04/2019 06:14

Oh so sorry love, you've had a rotten start.It takes me back 30 years to when I had my second son, eldest son had whooping cough, and was being sick numerous times a day, I was constantly washing clothes, carpets you name it ! Brought our newborn home, who was very unsettled from the start then on day three developed septicaemia, had to be admitted to hospital for 7 days, I couldn't stay with him because 3 year old was really poorly by this time.dh had to go back to work, and I was left to look after both of them. I remember it like yesterday, the phone was ringing constantly, with concerned relatives, wanting to visit, but in the end I had to say, we really didn't feel up to visitors and the Dr advised that we all take it easy, and I would be in touch when I could.Fortunately that seemed to work, just give yourself some breathing space, and very slowly you'll feel better.Congratulations and good luck to you all.

HonniBee · 21/04/2019 06:16

YAdefinitelyNBU!
Sounds like a difficult start to life as a family of 4, and spectacularly bad timing with the pox. I hope you get some time together now.

SoyDora · 21/04/2019 06:18

Oh you poor thing, that does sound awful.
We had a very similar situation after DD2 was born although it involved sepsis (me) and a broken leg (toddler). Luckily DH’s boss allowed him some compassionate leave so he could stay at home a bit longer. Even now, 3.5 years later I could cry when I think back to that time.
Could your DH book some annual leave? Or even unpaid parental leave? Have you got any other family/friends around who can help for even a couple of hours?
Remember, ‘this too shall pass’.

SpeedyBojangles · 21/04/2019 06:21

Oh love, YANBU at all! What an ordeal.

Your DS can go back to nursery as soon as the scabs heal over so shouldn't be too long. Ignore your mum and don't stress about Easter eggs (kids get far too much chocolate at Easter anyway!).

Once your DS is back at nursery is there any annual leave DH can take? Even if it's just a couple of days you can spend together?

TwistedBiscuit · 21/04/2019 06:23

Rant away lovely, it sounds really horrible!Flowers As for your mother going on about Easter eggs, Confused, I can only think she’s overcompensating for stress and worry about you all?

Tea and sympathy from me BrewCake

abcriskringle · 21/04/2019 06:49

That sounds horrible OP! And for heaven's sake - who cares about Easter eggs?! Take it easy on yourself, sounds like a really tough start for your family. Hope your oldest feels better soon and congratulations on your little one.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 21/04/2019 07:01

Your mum is an arsehole. Mine would have been looking after me/toddler/baby, doing the laundry and the shopping.

Sexnotgender · 21/04/2019 07:02

Oh my love rant away! That sounds dreadful.

My response to my mum about the Easter eggs would have been... are you serious? Literally least of your worries right now.

What a shit time you’ve had.

bitchfromhell · 21/04/2019 07:13

God that sounds dreadful. Your mum is being a bit of an arse and needs telling. Your dh should have booked some holiday.
Why we are supposed to be super women when we're at our most vulnerable and knackered?
Thanks

Widowodiw · 21/04/2019 07:25

Your husband needs to ask for leave even if it’s unpaid. Forget about your mum and make see what you and your husband can do to make this better.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 21/04/2019 07:29

Your husband needs to take more leave. This isn't sustainable and you are being put at risk of PND. You need to be allowed to rest and catch your breath.

If DH absolutely has to work- then What other help can DH wrangle for you? Meals delivered? A pair of arms to come over in the mornings?

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time.

Don't worry about 2 year old, those little things are resilient. But do take care of yourself.

SPR1107 · 21/04/2019 07:33

Sorry I should have added my mum has been great generally. She requested a weeks leave at work and they declined her, she took two days unpaid when I was in hospital to help with toddler but she's mid 60s and works full time in a demanding job. The Easter egg comments just felt like added pressure and irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

DH works in a small company and his absence is always noticed if he has time off. He even had to pop in when on paternity.

I feel better just knowing how I feel is justified. So thank you all so much for that. I'm going to have a chat with DH and see what we can sort for this week. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being overly dramatic.

OP posts:
Sarah22xx · 21/04/2019 07:35

You're doing amazing! I hope you and your little ones feel better soon. As for your mum just ignore her silly woman. X

BlueMerchant · 21/04/2019 07:42

Wow- you are amazing! You are made of strong stuff. All this going on and you're still standing.
I hope someone's bought you a bloody huge Easter egg!

blackcat86 · 21/04/2019 08:26

Oh OP that sounds awful. You have my sympathies. Seek any support you can find. Are there any mum friends that could pop in for a couple of hours or could family help even for an hour. This isn't sustainable and puts you at high risk of PND. Speak to your HV about any support that might be avaliable to

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 21/04/2019 08:31

You mum needs a bollocking, op. If she's concerned about it, the very least she could have done for you is Easter egg shopping, given what you've been though/going through. You need to tell her that and don't hold back on the tears and snot.Flowers

SofaSurfer20 · 21/04/2019 08:35

Is there any friends/relatives you can ask for help from?

Whisky2014 · 21/04/2019 08:37

Paternity is 2 weeks and you've only had the baby 1 week. Where is his 2nd week off and does he not have annual leave to take?

1AngelicFruitCake · 21/04/2019 08:41

This is the hardest it’s going to get (hopefully!) in these early days. Focus on getting through it and plan small treats to reward yourself. Don’t let anyone else make you feel guilty and try and make life as easy for yourself and your DH as possible xx

rainbowstardrops · 21/04/2019 08:51

Oh blimey, that all sounds really crap. You are definitely not being unreasonable to feel utterly pissed off!
Your mum shouldn't have made an issue re the Easter eggs because I'm sure your nieces and nephew's parents will totally understand that you've kind of had your hands full just lately but I'm glad you've had her for support apart from that.
I have no pearls of wisdom but just hope that things calm down soon for you all Thanks

Nannewnannew · 21/04/2019 08:57

Congratulations on your new baby💐🧸🍼
It all sounds very tough for you at the moment, hopefully things will improve very soon. Just try and take each day as it comes and try to ignore silly comments from friends and relatives.

One day, honestly, you will look back at this and wonder how you got through it, but you will get through it, and be stronger as well. Good luck.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 21/04/2019 08:59

Aw, bless your heart. Congratulations on your lovely baby. Let the toddler watch lots of tv and ignore everyone else xx Get takeaways in to ease cooking and clearing up and nice drinks for your poor toddler.

Pringles101 · 21/04/2019 09:05

Congratulations on your new baby!
I understand completely as had similar during my second. Was traumatised from her birth as we both almost died and she was premature. My toddler didn’t take to her well and played up a lot. My dear dear father also died at the same time and couldn’t even go to his funeral and my mother was here with me. They live in a different country. Couldn’t even get a flight for my mum to go back and luckily we managed to get one and she just made it to the funeral one hour before. It’s one of the darkest period of my life and I can’t even think about it. My mind won’t allow me to revisit that time. But all I can say is that with time it does get better. Hang in there, things will improve.

Ginger1982 · 21/04/2019 09:09

Your nieces and nephews parents should have bought their own sodding Easter eggs!

Stuckforthefourthtime · 21/04/2019 09:10

Oh god, poor you. You sound like you're doing an amazing job, congratulations.

This may not be possible, but can your DH ask for extra unpaid leave? Sometimes it seems like blokes forget to even ask.
Could his parents (or other family/friends that have had chickenpox before) come around, or babysit the spotty toddler? Don't hesitate to put the word out to your friends, it always surprises me how many people will actually help when the chips are down.
If all this is a no, can you get any extra paid help? After ds4, I had a local lady come around as mother's help 3 afternoons a week for the first month, she helped with light housework (mostly laundry, ironing, changing bed linen), cooked dinner and then lightly tidied and cleaned the kitchen. She was a grandmother herself so would also happily hold the baby or read a book with the 2 year old. It was the best money we spent, worth missing a holiday for, especially not having much family around to help.
Best of luck and hope all improves Flowers

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