No contact

[saraclara]

It's odd. In real life I don't know anyone who institutes an NC policy with their family or their in-laws. Yet it seems rife on MN.

With some exceptions (and yes, I know a few people will respond on here with heartbreaking and entirely understandable reasons), there often seems to be not a lot behind it. The impression I get from some posters is that it's more about control and punishment.

Is it my real life that's odd, or MN? Is anyone else nonplussed by its ubiquity on here?

On Mumsnet you will see a lot of doom and gloom and negativity about family life as people post more about their personal problems than sharing good times.

People probably only talk about it IRL with very close friends whereas here there is a distance as nobody knows who you are.

I dont talk to my mum or brother and havent in 2 years. I dont think its uncommon at all.

I suppose it's like anything if somebody starts a thread proportion with their experiences , we don't see dh family because of family fallout after a sudden death, but I don't say no contact because it sounds a bit poncey , we just don't see them.

People respond *

My sister hasn't spoken to me, my Mum or my other sister for four years. It's very common.

And she definitely went "no contact" as she wrote my lovely Mum a letter telling her all the things she'd ever done wrong as a mother and that she didn't want anything to do with any of us.

Maybe the people who have gone NC are more likely to go on Mumsnet for company!!
Must be quite isolating not to have contact with family.

OP just because no-one you know is NC with family relations in your circles it doesn't mean the rest of don't know or haven't met people who are.

The two people I know who are currently NC with family members is due to their drug addiction which led them to steal large sums money from them and other family members. This was the final straw over repeated lying and other abuse.

One of my sisters' was also NC with my mother when she was alive due to her abusive nature. Other family members where LC with my mother for the same reason and I even had to intervene as a teen to protect some my nephews'.

I don't know any one that has deliberately gone NC, which is all about control and manipulation - I do know a couple of fallings out and no one talks to each other any more, which is all about pride and not backing down. And a few have drifted away from their family, no falling out, just 'busy' lives.

Lucky you! Lucky that you don’t have such toxic people in your life that you have to go through a dramatic ordeal to get away from them. Mental health problems that go unsupported, dysfunction, addiction, violence, are all very real issues that definitely exist in all corners of society. It stands to reason that there would be plenty of people on the receiving end who wish to remove themselves from the situation completely.

I saw a thread recently, where the OP seemed to want to use going NC as some sort of control/punishment, but 99% of the time I believe people have had good reason for it. I actually have a huge amount of respect for people who are able to push against social norms to preserve their own or their children’s mental and emotional health.

OP just because no-one you know is NC with family relations in your circles it doesn't mean the rest of don't know or haven't met people who are.
I never said that it did.
That was the whole point of my OP, if you'd like to re-read the last line.

I will openly admit to being NC with my sister in real life, but I’m not going to go into detail about the reasons except with my closest friends. To everyone else I simply say she’s very difficult.

I’ve met a few people who were No Contact or Very Low Contact with siblings or parents.

Many things appear to be more prevalent on MN, partly because people come here for support and partly because people are more open about things when they can be anonymous.

I think on MN it’s often described in terms of a conscious decision or specific event - it’s an official ‘thing’ with its own name in the MN language. I imagine the reality in a lot of cases is much slower and less clean-cut; a build-up to distancing yourself from that person. You’re less likely to hear people talking about ‘going NC’ in that context.

My dad doesn’t speak to his sister because he doesn’t like the way she treated my grandmother. There was no one event that triggered it and he’d be bemused if you asked him why he ‘went NC’, but he’s perfectly happy without her in his life.

Our neighbour across the road doesn’t have any contact with her family at all (I don’t know why).
My FIL jadn’t Seen his brother for 40 years before he died.

Lucky you! Lucky that you don’t have such toxic people in your life

Actually, I do. But I'm lucky to live just far enough away from her to have distance, and to have had a really happy marriage and and great kids that kept me sane. My brother and I have so far managed to support each other to enable a level of contact that keeps that person cared for in a practical sense (which is needed) while managing not to damage ourselves further.

I couldn't go NC. I think that would make me feel worse. I find anger and confrontation more distressing, so do the minimum I need to hold things together, and fortunately that doesn't cause too many problems. But every person's situation is different.

OP I never said your rl was odd.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking -In regards to it being about control and manipulation - it is the person who you are NC with who has been doing the control and manipulation, or don't you know anything about addicts and abusers?

don't know any one that has deliberately gone NC, which is all about control and manipulation

What? Nonsense. Plenty of people have a drip drip drip of bad behaviour towards them and finally say that's it, no more.

sara so you do, but you’re able to manage care commitments etc from a distance. The question is, if this person was physically and mentally encroaching on your life and upsetting your happy family - would you still not go NC?

This is the point, really. Circumstances and certain behaviours become intolerable and unworkable. People have to go NC for their own sanity. Not everyone has the luxury of distance etc and they have to make a clean break to save themselves more distress.

I'm NC with my PILs due to the way that I have been ignored by them all the way through my relationship with DP. FIL is second husband and his daughters in law are very much the favourites. MIL is a doormat and FIL is a bloody buffoon. Not spoken for over 5 years now, bliss.

I’m NC with my mother and my sister. It’s not about control or power. It’s about their abuse and my sanity. Eliminating the former has improved the latter.

I don't talk to my mother and step dad, sister or brother. My husband doesn't talk to his family and it's brilliant. We have no friends either and for me it is perfect.

MN does give an exaggerated snap shot of issues because people come for support in hard times. However, DH is NC with his sister after she took a huge amount of money from him as a loan which she actually never intended to pay back. She also made some cruel comments about his son. It does happen but it's not something that he really talks about. Most people dont realise that he even has a sister unless they are very old friends.

I think internet forums can be self selecting so it has a much higher proportion of loners than you’d find in your day to day life.

I don't talk to my mother and step dad, sister or brother. My husband doesn't talk to his family and it's brilliant. We have no friends either and for me it is perfect.

Okay. Well that's unusual. Do you dislike everyone?