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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother in law

64 replies

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 20/04/2019 15:06

Bear with me cos it's a long one 

I've been with my Fiancé a little over 4 years now. At the beginning I really got along with my mother in law and the rest of his family but ever since we moved in together after being together 18 months things have really changed. While we were saving for a house I came home to find her going through my bank statements, they have a key to out house for emergencies but used to regularly let themselves in leading to some embarrassing situations. When we got engaged and started planning our wedding she made a guest list and seating plan without consulting me and invited people go I am yet to meet even after 4 years of being with my partner. It really got bad after I got pregnant with our DS, she works in the hospital and was changing my appointments to suit herself so she could come, she booked me in for a 4D scan which I had made clear several times I did not want and signed me up for parenting classes I knew nothing about. My DS was born by emergency C-Section 6 weeks early so had to spend some time in the NeoNatal until as he had problems with blood sugar and only weighed 2lb 9ozs. As I said earlier my MIL works in the hospital and I later learned she had tried to visit my DS to hold him before I had even held him. She completely ignored visiting hours despite me speaking to her several times and her reply was "visiting hours don't apply to me" which caused problems between me and the other ladies on my ward. Whenever any of my family or friends would visit DS at hospital she would make them feel uncomfortable. When we came out of hospital DS was on a strict feeding schedule, MIL used to pop in at 5pm when I had just put baby back down and was trying to get Fiancés tea ready. I calmly and politely told her that 5pm was an awkward time could she possibly go home and have her tea and come back at 7 when he was due a feed next and she could do it. This resulted in my being slagged off to entire family as she told everyone I had refused her access to DS. She questions everything I say about DS, I had some concerns about the size of his head and she kept telling me I was a bully and being mean about him, a doctor later confirmed I was right, his head was slightly to big for his body and he had to have some tests, thankfully it is due to his growth restriction in the womb and he is now very much in proportion. The final straw came when I was compared to a woman known to the family who abused her children leading to their deaths, I exploded with rage and she argued back saying she didn't mean I would ever harm DS just that she will not have her time with her Grandson controlled by me. I have explained to her how I grew up in an abusive household and how much her comments have hurt me, she refuses to apologise and has said that I should actually apologise to her for misunderstanding her. I have since refused to spend time with my fiancé's family although I have never stopped them seeing DS, last week my fiancé went on holiday with his family, me and DS didn't go, it was my fiancé's choice not to take DS. Trying to please fiancé I invited in-laws for tea the night before holiday, bear in mind they had not seen him for 2 weeks despite my fiancé asking, they turned up 2 hours later at 6.55 when my son goes to bed at 7pm. I was furious and did refuse them seeing DS, I felt like he was being treated as something to be checked off a holiday to do list.

Anyway to get to my question, since they have been on holiday my fiancé has Skyped us every morning and my in laws and his sister have been in the room during these calls and have walked past the camera without acknowledging me or more importantly DS. Now they want my fiancé to take DS to there house on Easter Monday to celebrate Easter but I'm really considering not letting DS go
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 20/04/2019 15:10

Wow. No you are not being unreasonable at all. Not in the slightest. You have the patience of a saint! I think I would have murdered mil by now!

Grumpelstilskin · 20/04/2019 15:14

I'd cancel the wedding. Your DP does not sound on board at all. Why is he spending precious holiday time with them instead of you? I'd go NC with MIL. This is beyond shitty.

GabriellaMontez · 20/04/2019 15:14

What does your fiance think about all this?

Treaclesweet · 20/04/2019 15:29

Why is your fiancé going on holiday without you? Why is he letting his mother bully you? I think you'd be well shot of the lot of them.

Sn0tnose · 20/04/2019 15:31

Why isn't your fiance telling his mother that her behaviour is unacceptable?

KC225 · 20/04/2019 15:34

Get the locks changed. Make sure a member of your family or a friend has an emergency key. If they complain, tell them.they have overstepped boundaries.

Your MIL was out of order when you had your baby but I understand how difficult it would gave been for a new mum to complain about a member staff being so smothering if they thought you had wanted her there. She was massively inappropriate.

It does sound as if your DH is torn. I step back from a lot of my DH's family activities - I cannot bear the drama and MIL's snide remarks. But I don't know how I would feel if he chose to go on holiday with us. Was it particular event - wedding? Elderly relative?

I think you need to set your own boundaries and stick to them. You don't want to holiday with them but you can't get miffed and upset that they are not waving and cooing at you on Skype every morning. What had been your plans for Easter Sunday? If you had made plans, perhaps your DH can take your son over tomorrow for a couple of hours.

Sarahjconnor · 20/04/2019 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sue51 · 20/04/2019 15:36

You fiance should step up and keep his mother away from you and your ds. She sounds horrific.

BlueMerchant · 20/04/2019 15:43

YANBU.
I wouldn't be happy with fiance taking DS to their house at all.
You need to have a serious talk with your fiance. It's not normal. Going on holiday with his parents/family and leaving his family at home waiting for Skype.
I personally wouldn't be with him at all unless things change. You and DS are his priority.
I honestly don't give your relationship a chance as it is and no doubt the in- laws will be dripping poison.

MidnightBlue00 · 20/04/2019 15:53

I have to admire your control op.I'd have chucked the MIL out & told her not to darken my door long ago.
She's clearly trying to control you & your OH has probably been used to her manipulation & control.

HomeMadeMadness · 20/04/2019 16:04

Well mil is clearly batshit and nasty with it. Why are you being left to deal with her though? Why has df not told her to back the hell off?

PolKat19 · 20/04/2019 16:08

Oh my god. I'm usually a bit of a MN lurker, but have de-lurked to tell you that this woman sounds AWFUL and your DH needs to be 100% on your side with this, or else he is enabling her behaviour and is part of the problem. You have my sympathies xx

MeredithGrey1 · 20/04/2019 16:12

I’d be changing the locks, and also would probably have formally complained to the hospital about her changing your hospital appointments, it’s completely unacceptable.

What does your fiancé say when you discuss all this with him?

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 20/04/2019 16:12

I just probably clarify that the holiday was for his cousins wedding so I do understand him going without us. I never said our DS couldn't go I left it up to my fiancé and he decided against taking him as he is only 10 months and didn't think he would do well be away from me for a week

My fiancé did stick up for me and tell his mum she was out of order when I was compared to the woman who hurt her children but since both me and his mother are refusing to budge on our positions he just says there is nothing more he can do

OP posts:
FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 20/04/2019 16:13

Also she has had her key taken off her

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 20/04/2019 16:20

Why the fuck has he gone on holiday with them? Are his eyes and ears failing him? If not I can't begin to understand how he could not stand up for you! I'd consider moving far far away, I really would.

EKGEMS · 20/04/2019 16:24

Run.the.fuck.away! What she did with the numerous violations of your health care privacy she deserved to be terminated and arrested. She would've in the US as it's a federal violation!

stanski · 20/04/2019 16:28

Seriously reconsider the wedding.

PregnantSea · 20/04/2019 16:30

It doesn't really sound like he's standing up for you. Are you sure you want to marry him OP?

Is it possible to move further away from his parents? If you aren't living close then that limits the amount of interfering they can do. But your DF NEEDS to be firmer and stand up for you. It shouldn't be your fight.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 20/04/2019 16:33

Now they want my fiancé to take DS to there house on Easter Monday to celebrate Easter but I'm really considering not letting DS go

I assume your fiancé is on the birth certificate and has PR - you cant stop him taking his son to see his family.

You really should have complained about the business in the hospital though.

And I have to say this is plain stupid they turned up 2 hours later at 6.55 when my son goes to bed at 7pm. I was furious and did refuse them seeing DS both of you, child like and point scoring off each other. The only losers in this are the fiancé and the child.

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 20/04/2019 16:39

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking
I just didn't think it was right to turn up at 6.55 knowing the baby goes to bed at 7 especially when they were expected at 5 for dinner

OP posts:
TopBitchoftheWitches · 20/04/2019 16:49

Why couldn't you go to the wedding with your partner and child?

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2019 16:53

Why couldn't you go to the wedding with your partner and child?

Why on earth would she?

LumpyPillow · 20/04/2019 16:57

Every example you gave is HORRIFIC, OP. I am sorry you have had to go through any of that.

It sounds like your partner is trying to stick up for you but not nearly enough. He is key to this and all future interactions. You need to demand him to back you, completely, every time, vocally, physically, however needed.

She shouldn't be speaking to you like that, ever.

If partner can't do this, you will face a lifetime of this quite frankly, rancid sounding, controlling woman.

Sorrywhat · 20/04/2019 17:03

I just think your fiancé should be trying harder. Did he only speak up after the comparison comment? If so, he really needs to grow some balls and tell his mum her actions are not ok.

My in-laws were very controlling and my husband subsequently obeyed everything they said in fear he would upset them if he didn’t. That is until they started to upset me. He stood up for me, possibly in a nicer way than I personally would have, but nevertheless he didn’t allow them to mistreat me nor our child. I dealt with them when it was just me they were unkind to but they were not treating my child any other way than I expected from them. They didn’t like that and threw every insult my way they could think of. They have not apologised and we haven’t spoken to them since then and probably won’t until they do apologise. That was 3 months ago.

The point to my story is that if my husband hadn’t stood up for me and our baby I don’t know how I would feel. I wouldn’t encourage you to ‘run away’ from your partner but I do think you need to instil in him that his parent’s’ actions are not okay and he needs to back your family. If they cannot see sense then go low contact or even non contact. They need to learn they do not control your family.

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