Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother in law

64 replies

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 20/04/2019 15:06

Bear with me cos it's a long one 

I've been with my Fiancé a little over 4 years now. At the beginning I really got along with my mother in law and the rest of his family but ever since we moved in together after being together 18 months things have really changed. While we were saving for a house I came home to find her going through my bank statements, they have a key to out house for emergencies but used to regularly let themselves in leading to some embarrassing situations. When we got engaged and started planning our wedding she made a guest list and seating plan without consulting me and invited people go I am yet to meet even after 4 years of being with my partner. It really got bad after I got pregnant with our DS, she works in the hospital and was changing my appointments to suit herself so she could come, she booked me in for a 4D scan which I had made clear several times I did not want and signed me up for parenting classes I knew nothing about. My DS was born by emergency C-Section 6 weeks early so had to spend some time in the NeoNatal until as he had problems with blood sugar and only weighed 2lb 9ozs. As I said earlier my MIL works in the hospital and I later learned she had tried to visit my DS to hold him before I had even held him. She completely ignored visiting hours despite me speaking to her several times and her reply was "visiting hours don't apply to me" which caused problems between me and the other ladies on my ward. Whenever any of my family or friends would visit DS at hospital she would make them feel uncomfortable. When we came out of hospital DS was on a strict feeding schedule, MIL used to pop in at 5pm when I had just put baby back down and was trying to get Fiancés tea ready. I calmly and politely told her that 5pm was an awkward time could she possibly go home and have her tea and come back at 7 when he was due a feed next and she could do it. This resulted in my being slagged off to entire family as she told everyone I had refused her access to DS. She questions everything I say about DS, I had some concerns about the size of his head and she kept telling me I was a bully and being mean about him, a doctor later confirmed I was right, his head was slightly to big for his body and he had to have some tests, thankfully it is due to his growth restriction in the womb and he is now very much in proportion. The final straw came when I was compared to a woman known to the family who abused her children leading to their deaths, I exploded with rage and she argued back saying she didn't mean I would ever harm DS just that she will not have her time with her Grandson controlled by me. I have explained to her how I grew up in an abusive household and how much her comments have hurt me, she refuses to apologise and has said that I should actually apologise to her for misunderstanding her. I have since refused to spend time with my fiancé's family although I have never stopped them seeing DS, last week my fiancé went on holiday with his family, me and DS didn't go, it was my fiancé's choice not to take DS. Trying to please fiancé I invited in-laws for tea the night before holiday, bear in mind they had not seen him for 2 weeks despite my fiancé asking, they turned up 2 hours later at 6.55 when my son goes to bed at 7pm. I was furious and did refuse them seeing DS, I felt like he was being treated as something to be checked off a holiday to do list.

Anyway to get to my question, since they have been on holiday my fiancé has Skyped us every morning and my in laws and his sister have been in the room during these calls and have walked past the camera without acknowledging me or more importantly DS. Now they want my fiancé to take DS to there house on Easter Monday to celebrate Easter but I'm really considering not letting DS go
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AvengersAssemble · 20/04/2019 17:08

Take it from someone working in The NHS, what your MIL did was a huge breach and she went without your consent to overstep the mark. I would report her.

I would elope and marry away from her. I do not often side with DIL on here but in this instance she is disgusting

Do not be forced into anything with your DS. And tbh your DF needs to start sticking up for you. I would be raging if I caught anyone looking through my Bank Statements.

scaryteacher · 20/04/2019 17:12

I would still change the locks - she could have had another key cut.

collectingcpd · 20/04/2019 17:14

My MIL is bad, but fortunately lives in a different country. Yours is off the scale. Aside from, well everything, you could have her disciplined and sacked for changing your appointments. The NHS is very strict on rules about who can and can’t look at medical records. Unless she is the secretary who is responsible for booking your appointments (in which case she should declare a conflict of interest), she has no reason to be accessing any of your healthcare. Hospital staff have unique log in details, so if details are changing on her log in, and she has no reason to be looking at you (and from what you e said I’m pretty sure she will have read your entire medical history), and you formally report this (via PALS), she’ll be fired. You need this woman out of your life or she will destroy your relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2019 17:20

Marrying into this family will be the biggest mistake of your life. Your partner is a pathetic excuse of a man.

Prequelle · 20/04/2019 17:22

This is terrible. Why on earth has it always been you left to deal with the brunt of this woman? It should have been your DP!

I wouldn't marry him.

snowdrop6 · 20/04/2019 17:26

He’s gone on holiday ..with out you ..with them...
Do not marry this man.

justasking111 · 20/04/2019 17:36

I would make a formal complaint to the hospital about her reading and altering your care for a start. That is a dismissible offence.

Prequelle · 20/04/2019 17:37

Depending on her job she could be struck off, nd she would bloody deserve it too. I can't imagine the level of narcissism needed to think that's remotely okay

loulou0987 · 20/04/2019 17:41

What does she do at the hospital? I would want to know what level of access she has to your notes.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/04/2019 17:55

Why couldn't you go to the wedding with your partner and child?

Would you voluntarily go on a week’s holiday with a woman who was treating you like this? I don’t agree with the posters castigating the fiancé for going, but I certainly see why the OP isn’t.

Cheby · 20/04/2019 18:01

Are you in the U.K. OP? If so, what she did with changing your appointments is gross misconduct and she could be fired.

Livelovebehappy · 20/04/2019 18:04

But what was the issue with them coming at 6.55? Thought you mentioned earlier that you had told them to come nearer 7.00 rather than 5.00 as easier for your routine?

seven201 · 20/04/2019 18:08

Live love, that was the routine when the baby was little, he's 10 months now.

I think leave things up to dh. Try and keep out of it.

Newyearnewname2019 · 20/04/2019 18:10

This is an easy one. He wouldn't be my fiance anymore. Seriously dump him. He sounds like a complete prick for allowing this to happen. He has zero respect for you. If you stay with him it won't last and you'll never be happy.

blackcat86 · 20/04/2019 18:13

I get it OP as DD was in special care and MIL raised merry hell. I also appreciate that routines change so what worked for DD at a few weeks old when she was being woken 3 hourly max for milk wouldn't work now she has a set bedtime. I also would have refused the 6:55 visit. This was a power play and I guarantee they would have hyped your DC up who would have been tired and ready for bed until they were a crying, overtired mess. Have you considered couples counselling? It's not as simple as running when you have a child so if you still love DF try to find a united front and firm boundaries.

RebootYourEngine · 20/04/2019 18:14

I would be reporting your mil to the hospital. What she did was serious misconduct.

Your dh needs to be more firmer with her.

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 20/04/2019 18:16

@Livelovebehappy

Yeah I probably should have explained that better. It was when he first came out of hospital at 4 weeks old I said come at 7 to have some time with him because he was then being woke up to be fed every 3 hours as he was so small so if she came at 7 she could feed him and have a cuddle

Now he's 10 months old and he goes up for a bath at 7 and then has his bottle so he's in bed for 7.45pm

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 20/04/2019 18:18

My fiancé did stick up for me and tell his mum she was out of order when I was compared to the woman who hurt her children but since both me and his mother are refusing to budge on our positions he just says there is nothing more he can do

This is a cop out.

He can stand up to his mother and support you, he is choosing to be in the middle.

But seriously, why would you marry him when he's busy trying to please his mum at your expense?

Meanwhile, get your bank statements online, reduces the chance of anyone going through them.

Cherrysoup · 20/04/2019 18:30

Seriously, this woman is batshit and your DP needs to protect you better and give her some very solid boundaries. If you marry him, can you imagine what she’ll be like for the next 40 years?

SilverySurfer · 20/04/2019 18:37

Your MiL sounds unhinged and no way would I get married unless/until your fiance finds his balls and fully supports you.

Brown76 · 20/04/2019 18:46

Yes it is rude to turn up at 7pm for dinner if you’ve been invited at 5pm, to a family members house with a baby who will have eaten hours ago and be winding down for bed, and in the context of the overbearing and unkind way MIL has treated you it must have been upsetting. YANBU

HBStowe · 20/04/2019 18:49

YANBU at all and also... is your fiancé supporting you with this? He should be coming down on his mother like a ton of bricks, she is being absolutely unacceptable and if he can’t see that it’s a real issue.

Drum2018 · 20/04/2019 18:50

I wouldn't marry him either, the way things are. If he's willing to let his mother walk all over you then this will be it forever more. Just think about that. She's being a complete bitch now and I guarantee she will up her game if you get married. Your dp needs to decide where his priorities lie and prove that you and your child will always come first. I also agree that you should change the lock despite getting her key back as no doubt the bitch has a copy. Can't believe she'd have let herself in and looked through your bank statements.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/04/2019 19:04

OP this is all so not healthy....she will ruin your wedding day you know that right? And as for your fiance going on holiday with them and leaving you and your baby well he wouldnt be coming back if he was mine...His actions in going told you he is and will put them before you every time....Unless you both move and he puts you first everytime you are on a road to nowhere with him....I would run for the hills and tell him why...to leave a baby and mum who he professes to love and care about beyond others that takes a special kind of twat to do that to you....I am sorry OP I would dump him and his parents and go live the life you deserve with respect ,love and understanding with someone who will cherish you .....

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/04/2019 19:31

I would give your partner one chance to stick up for me fully or I'd be out. I would also be reporting the MIL for looking at my medical records and changing appointments. If you're in the UK, all the software records access so it can be checked.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.