Mortified - should we leave?

[TreaclePumpkin]

My 2.5 year old was invited to his first party buba boy at nursery who has turned 3. I was so excited for him to go, but we are there right now. An hour in and an still hour to go. He is behaving terribly!

Won't play with anyone, won't sit at the table to eat, won't talk, won't engage at all. Won't even take his cardigan off and it's boiling. He can be quite a shy child, and takes time to warm up. But this is more than shyness, he is being rude with it.

WIBU to just pretend he is feeling unwell, make our excuses and leave?

There are only 10 kids, including him. So can't even hide in the crowd. I so wanted him to have a good time and I feel he is spoiling it for everyone.

2.5 year olds don’t socialize in the way that older kids do. You seem to have very high expectations of how he should behave but what you’ve described sounds quite normal. As long as he’s not having a horrible time you should stay.

This is why I basically think that birthday parties before 4 or 5 years are a really bad idea.

I would let him do his own thing and being him a plate of food. He is still little, bless him. Only take him home if he is hurting other children

OP - good to hear that he warmed up a little before the end. It must have been a bit overwhelming for the him. Just one thing that jumped out at me was when you said "Won't even take his cardigan off and it's boiling.", it was one of the things that my lad who has sensory issues related to autism suffers with. He needs the extra layer of clothing as a sensory thing, even when everyone else is melting with the heat. Actually taking the extra layers off causes more stress and anxiety than any worry of overheating. I think you did the right thing leaving the cardigan on for a bit before taking it off. It would not have helped matters to force him to take it off earlier.

He is usually shy anywhere, at first. But then he becomes super friendly, bubbly, leader of the pack. And these are kids he spends 4 days a week with at nursery. All of them trying to say hello at various points, at first and he just ignored them all.

I just thought he would do his usual shy "bit" then go into his normal mode (he was like that even at his own 2nd birthday at our house, and we had maybe 40/50 guests) and it didn't really happen - guess he needed a longer lead time today than a 2 hour party would allow. I didn't "need" him to be the life and soul of the party, but he quite clearly was the only child behaving significantly differently - though I gave him plenty of cuddles and encouragement whilst sat on my lap. And I could see others having their moments here and there - we all know no kids are perfectly behaved, especially so young.

But I'll just chalk this one down to experience. I know it's not the end of the world.

I had this with one of mine, many years ago now but I remember it well. She'd be fine at nursery but if she saw anyone outside of the setting it would freak her out a bit. He'll get used to it after another couple of events, he's probably just figuring out that maybe all his friends don't permanently stay at nursery for him to visit there and there only

Perhaps it wasn't so much a case of the entertainer giving up on him as the entertainer recognising that he didn't feel up to joining in and giving him some space.

I don't think I've ever met anyone who thinks a shy two year old at a party is being rude. He just needs more experience of parties, he'll get the hang of it soon enough.

I would take him home asap.

His behaviour sounds just like my 3 year old at a party we went to a while ago. He wouldnt join in with anything and spent the whole party playing with toys in the corner of the sitting room. I was a bit embarrassed but, looking at it from his perspective, he didn’t understand about special birthday party behaviour and probably just thought it was was a play date. 6 months later, at a birthday party in a hall (rather than someone’s house) he joined in 50% of the games, scoffed lots of birthday tea and said thank you at the end! 2.5 is so so little . Also, if you’re naturally a bit shy you may have been projecting a bit, when he was just being a normal 2 year old

He is 2 1/2, YABU to expect anything much at all with regards to joining in games etc. My DS who turns 2 in 2 weeks has spent the last few days shouting 'ow ow ow' every time we try to pick him up or do anything that he doesn't want to do...... we were staying a hotel for two of those days so pretty sure most of the strangers there thought we were constantly hurting our child, I would be happy if he was simply being antisocial or refusing to take his jumper off lol.

Omg you’re being massively unreasonable on your baby. It’s totally totally normal for some young children not to wish to participate in parties. It doesn’t mean you take them home. My dd used to spend most of the time at parties sat on my knee. And I’m not talking about 2.5. I’m talking up to about 6 so the first couple of years at school. Don’t force your child to join in. You will make matters far worse. He will still have enjoyed himself the same as my dd loved going to parties.

The party is about your ds and how he learns to socialise. Not about your expectations.

I think you just have to let him do things at his own pace. A kid's party or play place should always have a quiet spot where kids that don't want to join in or just want a timeout can sit and maybe look at a picture book or something.
I'm not very sociable and find parties difficult, and one of my kids ended up like me. He's still content to sit with a drink and just chat to people he knows. My other son is like his dad, loves to mingle and talk to everyone.

Entertainers are sometimes very frightening for small children ! I STILL hate clowns!!! It's the fact that they are supposed to be entertaining and aren't to some children.

He's not rude he's 2 and a half! Role playing at home is a great idea!

I remember my now (very sociable and confident) 25 yr old behaving like this at his own 3rd Birthday party at home! Think he hid under the table for quite a bit of it. The party guests just got on with it!

Don't expect so much from your dd at her age, and especially don't burden her with what you think the other parents' expectations of her will be. As for spoiling the party atmosphere, I think that's a very adult perspective. The children wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered!

Oops, sorry! Should be 'ds' and 'his'!

That's a great idea @feelingverylazytoday - about having a little quiet area. Will definitely be doing that myself for any future kiddies parties that I host!

DS has just woken from a long nap with a low grade fever. This definitely wasn't the day for a party!

It’s not a big deal. Lots of children are overwhelmed by parties (as are lots of adults) and haven’t acquired the social skills to handle those feelings. As he wasn’t being disruptive I doubt it even registered with anyone else. I can well remember my own DD’s 5th birthday party when I had to carry her out of the room as she wailed “make them all go home’ at the top of her lungs. Far from ruining it for her guests they didn’t even notice she was gone! The fun continued without her and after some quiet time and a cuddle she enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.

Don't worry, there's always at least one child who doesn't want to join in at a party & this goes on until they are all about 6!

ds thankfully didn't go to any birthday parties at nursery until his preschool year, they just aren't done around here any younger. First birthday ds had with nursery friends was his 4th. Sounds like a waste of time and money to me for 1-3 year olds.

Your family set up sounds just like mine, OP! I'm very quiet, cope better in one on one situations than party style gatherings while DP is very outgoing and thrives on group outings. DS is a mix of both of us and is only a few months older than your DS. When he is in his comfort zone he is a bit of a leader and very bubbly and friendly. When there are more than a few people, he prefers to sit back and watch first and it takes a while for him to warm up too. He also would have refused to take his cardigan off and I wouldn't have forced the issue, either. There's so much that is out of their control at this age that if he is feeling a bit vulnerable/shy/under the weather and keeping his cardigan on helps him feel a bit more secure then I don't have a problem with that for a short while, just like you.

My eldest didn't really relax into birthday parties until he was about 4. Even now in y3 there are always a few who get over excited and turn feral. Don't worry about it - as long as he's not ruining it for birthday boy it'll be fine!

I remember when my DS1 was was turning 3 and he REALLY wanted to have a party at home. So we invited 3 little nursery friends. Said friends all joined in the activities I planned and DS1 wandered around with one of his presents and spent the rest of the time in another room chatting to his grandad. He had a lovely time. I did try to cajole him but to no avail. He's 8 now and still had an attack of nerves before his last party but chatted to everyone. He has a social
anxiety that has manifested in DS2 as well.

DS2 was invited to a lovely party for a 5 year old, didn't speak a word the whole time, sat next to me rigid with fear and didn't join in any of the games. Afterwards he raved about the games, the character that arrived in style and in his head had a brilliant time. I knew that's how he'd be, made no apologies for him and allowed him to experience it as he was able to. Every single adult there understood, as they were parents.
Parties can be overwhelming to shy kids never mind toddlers and they just don't know how to deal with it. Yet.

Oh and both mine would blank friends frantically trying to speak to them and wondering why they got nothing back. I used to over compensate with my own greetings but now I remind them that he takes time to warm up and they all agree. Kids are smart.

You can't be rude at 2.5! Kids this age aren't good at playing together or sharing yet, that comes around 3-4. Just let him do his thing and enjoy and adult conversation ☺

Both of my DC’s were like this at parties. It took several years for them to get over it. You just have to be patient and encourage him as much as you can.

Btw you sound like a lovely mum - try not to worry/panic too much, it's all normal and they're all different (plus of course he's slightly under the weather - we've all been caught-out with things like this).

This is so normal. Don't leave.