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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to be alone?

29 replies

HarrietsHat · 19/04/2019 23:56

I love my DH and my DC but for various reasons lately, I have felt under so much pressure in all aspects of my life, from work, family commitments and recovering from a bad injury.

I. Just. Want. To. Be. Alone.

I have a lot of people relying on me and I often feel under pressure and taken for granted. I feel utterly, utterly empty of anything to offer. I know it sounds awful, so am prepared for a flaming, but I don't want to be hugged or kissed or be given craft projects. I don't want to have play a board game or have a family picnic or do an Easter egg hunt or any of the lovely things I should enjoy that require me to be the mummy.

I have got to the point where I am grouchy, irritable and snappy because I simply want to be left the fuck alone. I would almost like it if we had a row so I would have an excuse to storm out (ridiculous!). This evening, the kids all gave me the usual goodnight hugs and instead of enjoying the cuddles I just felt totally over-touched, if that makes sense. I feel terrible; I love them to bits.

My DH is actually brilliant and does his fair share, so I would feel extremely self-indulgent to say that I need a day to myself when I know he probably could do with the same thing. I think he sees that I am not coping right now but his reaction is to tiptoe around me, like I am a bomb about to go off, which makes me feel worse.

Am I being as selfish and precious as I feel? I read threads all the time on here where Mumsnetters recommend that an OP take themselves off to a hotel, but really, is "self-care" something that people really prioritise? I think I am beyond the 'have a nice bubble bath' stage. Do any of you really take yourself off for a day? Without feeling guilty?

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 20/04/2019 00:02

I don’t have kids, but after a difficult emotional time I took myself off to a local hotel for a couple of nights and had a few spa treatments- it was lovely

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2019 00:06

You are not selfish and you are not a twat for needing alone time. It's crucial for me, as well. Please open up to your husband and talk to him about how you're feeling. Sometimes we reach a limit when we just need to disconnect, just for a short time. Could you go to a hotel for a day and enjoy the solitude? This does not make you a terrible wife or mother, it will actually make you a better one. You clearly need some time to decompress. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

HirplesWithHaggis · 20/04/2019 00:06

If you can take yourself off for the day, even the night too, that's time when DH won't have to tiptoe round you. You should come back refreshed and stronger, and able to give him the same time off, that you feel he needs.

babysharkah · 20/04/2019 00:09

I have kids, parents and parents in law demanding my time.

When I have an overnight with work I refuse all entertaining, get to my room around 7pm and have quiet bliss.

If it wasn't facilitated by work I'd happily pay for it.

Cloudly · 20/04/2019 00:29

You are very fortunate to have a husband who knows you are not coping and not making things more harder for you. Speak to him share your worries hopefully he will be able to support you. Am sure many of us at times need that break time to ourselves nothing wrong with that. Do something just for yourself have a relaxing few days away maybe somewhere in the countryside, landscape, scenery environment away from the hustle and bustle of life.

Youngandfree · 20/04/2019 00:34

I hit the exact same wall a few years ago OP so I took myself off on a two week break to Australia!! Left dh with the dc, best. Thing. I. Ever. Did.

Not saying you need a 2 week break but if money allows maybe a weekend away by yourself in a nice hotel with a spa and a good book!! Reset yourself!! 💐💕

Youngandfree · 20/04/2019 00:36

And don’t feel guilty!! We all deserve to be looked after, if you are happier then they will be too!

Original poster
HarrietsHat · 20/04/2019 00:41

I may be about to be made redundant, so I can't really afford a weekend away. I have actually been browsing hotels for a night away but can't bring myself to book it with family money when my job is insecure. I used to be very carefree and spontaneous so this makes me feel so trapped. Again, I feel guilty to feel like that when I have a lovely life that many people would love to have.

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 20/04/2019 00:43

@HarrietsHat have you got a friend that lives somewhere else that wouldn’t mind having you as an invisible guest as such for a night.??

ReanimatedSGB · 20/04/2019 00:54

There is absolutely nothing shameful in wanting some time alone. If money is tight, now that the weather's a bit better, how about a night camping somewhere? You may hate camping, or not have any camping gear, of course - in which case, look up really cheap B&Bs or even backpacker hostels: find somewhere that's not too far away, but far enough away that you can't be expected to come back at once, and take yourself off for 24 hours.

StinkyWizleteets · 20/04/2019 01:03

I hear you OP. I dream about buying a house next door to my family so they could visit me on my terms. I have a toddler who needs to cling to me and touch me 24 hours a day and it’s so tiring. I have dogs that compete for my attention with the toddler and each other, an older child who thinks I’m a chair and a partner who thinks any time without kids we have to be doing things together. A friend told me theyre off to a solitary retreat in the sun for a whole month recently and I’m so jealous.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/04/2019 01:05

You definitely need it OP. Is there any chance someone could take the DC, both of you go.
Or tell DH he is owed the next break.
It is horrible feeling overwhelmed. I feel similar the DC hardly sleep before midnight although I get them up at 7 or 8am. I work shifts around DP, we have no time together or time alone apart. It is truly torture. My DM is dying, I am overdue a visit to the in-laws sometime, now it is shitty Easter holidays, it never stops.
I think a break away could be heaven for you to recharge, you may think your past a bubble bath with stress levels but really peace, quiet, bath and book.
I use mini meditation usually as I am falling asleep, when it is finally peaceful it helps.

RainbowMum11 · 20/04/2019 01:11

I completely understand- luckily, my DD stays with her Dad eow & I selfishly look forward to having that time to myself, even though I love her with all my heart. I just need time for me (I generally sleep though)

YesQueen · 20/04/2019 01:14

I don't have DC but I was feeling irritable today and what really helped was going to the beach. I find water really soothing anyway and I stood in the sea watching the waves, ate an ice cream and did some people watching and then went home
Maybe something like that as a short fix?

CSIblonde · 20/04/2019 01:54

You are burnt out & overwhelmed. I'd be googling a nice Airbnb for a couple of days. I did this and mostly slept & read, it was a huge old place with only one other guest & I had a tiny kitchenette too, so I just sank into the peace & quiet I needed. Best thing I ever did.

yakari · 20/04/2019 02:22

My preferred birthday present is time away from family. In my head it's not 'wasting' money as the money would have been spent on something and I really don't need any more 'things' and definitely not more than I need space.
The pressure you can feel in the face of redundancy is a huge. So I'd say getting space is fine. But if the finances are scary - go for a all day walk, countryside/city/museum/beach as you wish, even just a day out could help. And of all else fails ask DH to take kids and stay at home, instead of you going could he take them away overnight to family?
There is absolutely no shame on just needing space.

NoSauce · 20/04/2019 02:28

Sorry you’re feeling like you do. You do need some time just for you Op but not the hotel for the night thing. As nice as that would be it has to be a regular thing. Swimming, yoga, out for a walk, meeting up with a friend for a glass of wine every week. A set thing. It’s so easy to neglect ourselves as mothers. We’re brilliant at it. Try and arrange something tomorrow.

Paperplain · 20/04/2019 03:51

I also feel totally over touched and actually just want a bubble around me where no one is allowed to pass! It's so overwhelming - like you, hugs at night usually end with me peeling the kids off me and trying through gritted teeth to enjoy. Then I get to bed and can't stand my DH touching me as JUST NEED SPACE. I find a few hours away from them all helps enormously.

hazell42 · 20/04/2019 07:23

Could the redundancy be the reason you are feeling this way?
Was made redundant myself recently but even though, for me, it was a blessing in disguise, it is still an anxious time. I think I have my ducks in a row, but am worried, still, that things won't work out as I hope.
If your redundancy is making you anxious, this could explain why you need people to back off and give you space to think and breathe.
Take what you need

almostsunny · 20/04/2019 15:05

I went through a few difficult years and never had time alone, I was either at work or with the kids and yes eventually i didnt even want to be touched.

I started going to an exercise class and felt so much better as I would walk up on my own and do my class then walk to the shops and potter around the supermarket etc.

I also now make a point of going out with a friend even if it's just once a month for a coffee or dinner to make me feel myself, and not a mum or wife.

Don't feel guilty about getting some headspace it makes you a better mum

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/04/2019 16:39

I could have written your post, OP.

I have a 5 year old and a 6 month old baby who doesn't sleep. I also have some caring responsibilities for an elderly relative. I just feel like there is not a minute in the day where someone doesn't need something from me.

I adore my DC but sometimes by the end of a long day when the 5yo hugs me I have to stop myself from cringing. I know that's horrible, I'm not proud of it, it's no reflection on how I feel about her, I'm just 'touched out' and feel suffocated. I'm struggling to feign enthusiasm for things I should want to do like reading stories, trips to the park, watching DD's puppet shows. I still do them, but I don't want to, so I feel guilty.

DH works long hours but still does more than his fair share around the house so I can't complain. But most of the childcare falls to me during the week because he's rarely home before bedtime (not his fault, can't be avoided) and by the time he gets home, as much as I love him, sometimes I'm so tired and my head is so full of everyone else's needs and feelings, I just want to veg out in front of some crap, escapist TV and not talk to anyone.

I can't afford to take myself off to a hotel for the night or to a spa to "recharge" as is often suggested here. I'd love to but money is tight as I'm on Maternity leave. It's a nice idea but not realistic for a lot of people.

EustaciaVye · 20/04/2019 16:45

After suffering burnout last year I learned the hard way that self care is very important.

Take some time out. Dont feel guilt. You cant pour from an empty cup.

Go to a premier inn if you are worried about money as they are not too expensive

archivearmadillo · 20/04/2019 16:53

I need time alone too - more so when under stress from multiple competing demands on my time and attention.

My children are school age and my unexpected saviour is shift work. It means that I'm sometimes home when everyone else is at work or school, without this being self indulgent "me time" spa day or whatever.

VanGoghsDog · 20/04/2019 16:59

I don't have kids, so am not used to being touched, but just spent six days with my parents with my mum clutching and grabbing at me until I wanted to strangle her.

I am now enjoying two nights in a hotel on my own recovering from the over contact. I am very lucky I can afford it.

If a friend of mine felt how you do, I would want them to let me know and they could call me and stay with me and have minimal interaction if that was their preference. Or gin. We all need to recharge our batteries at times.

Is there a friend you can confide in?

schoolsoutforever · 20/04/2019 17:46

You sound just like me most of the time. I love my children and husband but I really enjoy putting on audible and getting in with 'important' gardening stuff (with a nice glass of red). I also like having friends but in truth I could go weeks without speaking to them. Hugs are reserved for my kids and husband but, even then, they can be too much sometimes (although I never let on). It's just me - I'm a bit of a grouchy loner and I'm fine with that!