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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I must be a worthless piece of $hit?

30 replies

Notjudesmum · 19/04/2019 22:47

I’ve never been good at making/keeping friends. All of my first memories of school were of standing in the corner of the playground waiting for someone to ask me to join in. The smallest things stick in my mind....even now, 20+ years later. I’d always be the ‘friend’ that was dropped when someone better came along and I still feel like that now. Not that I really have any friends. If I’m being honest I have 1 friend. 1 friend that I could call if I needed to chat. 1 friend that I could text with good news. 1 friend that would notice I’d gone if I dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow. It’s embarrassing...embarrassing when DP says “make a list of ur friends and we’ll invite a load of people over for a bbq” embarrassing when my mum called over on my birthday and asked to look at ‘all’ my bday cards then asked where I’d put all the cards from my friends. People love DP....in pubs, in shops, walking down the road, in a swimming pool, on a aeroplane...people talk to him anywhere. About anything. Not me though...it’s like I’m invisible.

I don’t know why I’m writing this really? I don’t want to join clubs, get hobbies, volunteer anyway because I literally am not good at ANYTHING.
I look at my kids and feel sorry for them, sorry that they’ve been lumbered with a mum that’s just so pathetic and virtually pointless.

I don’t have the energy to be anything else though. My mind feels foggy all the time and the rest of me just numb and useless. It’s not a nice place to be but I can’t tell anyone. How do you tell someone that you’re embarrassed to be who you are?

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 19/04/2019 22:53

You are fine. You don't need a whole load of friends in your life just for the sake of saying you've got loads of friends. You are not worthless or shit.

Value the friend you have, build up that relationship. Be friendly and smiley when you meet new people. Take it at face value, don't read more into it.

Don't put yourself out for others in the hope they'll do the same for you. Just do for others what you feel comfortable with doing.

OrangeSunsets · 19/04/2019 22:54

You have one good friend so you are obviously doing something right!

I know how you feel as I seem to be very similar. A few years ago two couples dropped me and DH for no known reason. It still hurts now!

You should never be embarrassed to be who you are.

As for your brain feeling foggy, have you had your B12 and vitamin D levels checked? A lack of either of those can make you feel that way.

Maybe discuss how you are feeling with your doctor? If you can feel better you might find it easier to make friends, make plans and do things you enjoy.

goose1964 · 19/04/2019 22:55

I could have written that myself, my friends are from school and I only see them twice a year as we all live in different areas. I hate joining in anything as the people there are already in friendship groups and I don't want to butt in.

When you say that you're worthless is that actually a little voice in your head saying that? I know that it sounds odd but that was the main sign of my depression, now that I'm on antidepressants that voice has been well and truly silenced.

I still don't like social Situations but that's another thing. One thing I can say is I no longer feel useless.

Mummyto2munchkins · 19/04/2019 22:55

Oh OP, I could have written this word for word! If you need a chat send me a message. I feel exactly how you do atm, xx

73kittycat73 · 19/04/2019 23:01

So sorry to hear you are in a sad place. Have you ever thought you might be suffering from depression? I'm sure you are a lovely person, just an introvert. I have no friends apart from my mum (That probably sounds so sad!) they all disappeared after I became agoraphobic. I'd have a talk with your GP, just to make sure everything is as it should be.

Original poster

Notjudesmum · 19/04/2019 23:02

Thank you everyone x

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 19/04/2019 23:13

You’re not a piece of shit.
Some people find it very easy to make new friends, they don’t even have to try. But a lot of people don’t have that kind of natural ability.
A lot of people who join clubs/hobbies do so to meet people, it doesn’t really matter how good you are at that thing because it’s often not the point - it’s about the sense of community and spending time with others. Please don’t let fear of not being good enough stop you trying something new. And I’m sure you’re better at things than you think.
With things like this it can be a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy, if you think you are not interesting/worthy of friends then you won’t allow yourself to meet and connect with people as you don’t think you deserve it, and then when you don’t know as many people as you’d like, you think ‘well I must be right about not being good enough, then’. And it becomes a cycle.
You say you have a friend though, so that’s a great start. Why don’t you speak to this friend about how you feel? I’m sure they will tell you all the things they love about you, and that might help you realise you are worthy.
Please be kind to yourself. You have a friend, you have a partner, you have a family. Clearly you are capable of love and relationships, you are loved and can love.

LEA07 · 19/04/2019 23:14

My own family don’t even bother with me, i have a massive family on my dads side and one of my uncles had a 60th birthday last year I was the only one not invited! In fact I knew nothing about it until I seen the pics on Facebook! Iv never done anything wrong or said anything wrong I’m just ignored and left out! As for friends I do have a few but sometimes feel I just don’t fit in, so ur not alone and if u ever want to chat message me, big hugs xxx

HomeMadeMadness · 19/04/2019 23:17

OP your worth isn't measured in the number of friends you have. I know a few downright nasty people who have loads of friends. You do sound depressed though - have you thought about counselling at all? I wonder when your low self esteem started? Have you ever tried to challenge the negative thoughts?

HomeMadeMadness · 19/04/2019 23:18

barryfromclareisfit · 19/04/2019 23:21

Counselling. You will still be the same person but you’ll feel better about it. I do.

Purpleartichoke · 19/04/2019 23:29

You have more real friends than I do. I don’t have even one. I’d like to have a friend, but I have no idea how to find one.

comedycentral · 19/04/2019 23:38

You are not worthless at all! Please don't think that. You have a partner, family and a good friend.

One thing I noticed from your post, it seems like from the start, since the playground days, you have been waiting for others to make that first move. You say you feel invisible but so do many others, it can be so hard to make the first move.

Why not start by practising chit chat with people you meet...it could really grow your confidence.

YouokHun · 19/04/2019 23:40

OP, as others have said, you do sound depressed. Your assessment of yourself is one I’ve heard many times from depressed clients about themselves. Have a look at the BACP website for accredited counsellors or if you have a local branch of MIND then they often have low cost counsellors available. Your GP can refer you for free counselling but the waiting list can be long and not many sessions offered. But please do talk to someone.

CoolCarrie · 19/04/2019 23:55

Some people I know buy “friends” and use people, then drop them when they are not useful any more, or only get in touch when they want something. It’s better imo to have one good friend than loads of users, or fair weather “friends “. Your children and dp love you, and that is the most important thing, treasure them and the good friend you have.

Singlenotsingle · 19/04/2019 23:56

You've got your dp. He's a friend. Hopefully he's your best friend? A good man is hard to find. Maybe he could help you develop your social life if he's that sort of person...

uptodatetech · 20/04/2019 00:07

Awh dearie, listen up. You are not worthless at all. Some people find making friends easier than others. If you're friendly and take interest in other people they will be nice back to you. If your dh has friends, try and make friends with them or their partners etc You've gotta mingle. Hang in there

junebirthdaygirl · 20/04/2019 00:15

I have friends and we never send birthday cards. Actually l have one friend for years and l genuinely don't know when her birthday is. Some of that stuff is fantasy and actually doesn't happen to lots of people. I mean that kindly.
I think you are being very hard on yourself.
Your DP wouldn't be with you if he didn't see something special in you.

Lalliella · 20/04/2019 00:18

OP you are not worthless at all. You have a DP and DCs and BF who all love you. And they are the most important people to have. You don’t really need anyone else, but if you want more friends you need to put yourself out there - smile and be approachable. But some people are simply introverts, and that doesn’t matter. Everyone is different, and is valuable as a person in their own way.

Like PPs have said, counselling may help with your self-esteem, to learn to value yourself. Please don’t measure your worth by the number of friends you have.

Schlerp · 20/04/2019 00:22

You’re not a piece of shut. You have a partner who loves you and kids who will adore you. And you have one more friend than me.
I really do understand where you’re coming from. I know loads of people but no one I could call with good or bad news, no one I could just chat to, I have no friends to go for a coffee with and let’s not even contemplate a night out. It’s a really bloody lonely existence but like you I have a partner (for now) and kids and I try to be thankful for them - which can be a struggle some days. Your only issue sounds like lack of self confidence. Believe in yourself. Fake it til you make it.

Italiangreyhound · 20/04/2019 00:59

You are not worthless and you are, I am sure, someone who has done some great things. Met a man who loves you and settled together, had children. All amazing things that not all people do.

It's fine not to have lots of friends and it does not reflect who you are.

You say you don't want to "...join clubs, get hobbies, volunteer anyway because I literally am not good at ANYTHING." And that makes me think that maybe you simply haven't found something you enjoy enough to want to do. Which is totally fine.

"I don’t have the energy to be anything else though. My mind feels foggy all the time and the rest of me just numb and useless. It’s not a nice place to be but I can’t tell anyone. How do you tell someone that you’re embarrassed to be who you are?" I hope you don't mind my asking but would you consider going to see your GP. Not because you do not have a lot of friends but because what you describe is a lack of energy/numbness etc.

Lastly, I must say that I had a similar experience to you at school, I was very shy, dyslexic, found the whole school thing totally shit. I was very lucky that life changed as I got older and I did make some nice friends. I certainly do not take it for granted.

I really do not think you are all the negative things you say you are but I also think it is important that you know you are enough, a daughter, a partner, a mum, you are enough.

BlackeyedGruesome · 20/04/2019 01:00

Your worth is not measured by the number of your friends, your wealth, your exam results etc.

Your worth is because you are unique, no-one else is like you.

A couple of the major religions are having festivals which celebrate and remember their God's rescue and the worth he holds his people. You do not need to be religious to know that you are unique and have a value for just being you.

You have people in your life who love you and a friend.

Lots of people on the thread have said similar and offered advice.

Orangeballon · 20/04/2019 01:10

A lot of people are in the same boat. Very few people have more than a handful of real friends. If you have one good friend then you are indeed blessed.

Ladiva1971 · 20/04/2019 01:15

I believe that you have to be your own best friend above anything, you have to like and love yourself before you can expect anyone else too. I personally put my own happiness above anyone else's, because if I am not happy I cannot expect the people that I live with to be happy.

gluteustothemaximus · 20/04/2019 01:47

I don’t have any friends OP. Your worth isn’t judged on friends. Like PP said, I know people who are just horrible but have lots of friends.

You sound depressed. It’s the fog description you gave. I’d go to GP.

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