Why men go on the attack when caught cheating.

[wastedyearsandtears]

Being a recent (heartbroken) victim, I have been reading many threads and am amazed how the formula seems to be to blame the one being cheated on, for example not being enthusiastic about sex, dragging up old rows etc etc. It’s happened to me after many years of marriage, which I always thought was a happy one and this appears to be a normal response.
Also what is with this “but you’re my best friend “ toss? When you have utterly devastated, betrayed and destroyed your life partner?

Sorry this has happened to you.

The long version is I guess people who cheat feel guilty and they are self centred so they just think about how that feeling of guilt makes THEM feel miserable. They then try to pass the responsibility and thus the guilt onto the person they have hurt, to make themselves feel better. The short version: people are cunts.

Sorry op .

Yes, I think it’s guilt. A lot of people lash out when they feel guilty and caught out. Don’t want to get the blame etc.

It's much easier to blame someone else than admit they're a shit human - its human nature (to a certain extent) to 3xternalise he cause of bad things happening (getting caught out). The alternative would be being genuinely sorry and changing their behaviour

It’s all about not being the “Bad” person - they were driven to it. For the benefit of relationship onlookers if they can persuade the partner they were somehow complicit in the breakdown, then outsiders will be a breeze to convert to the break-up spin doctoring.

A lot of people get defensive when they are criticised in a lot of scenarios, including cheating. I think it stems from guilt, or refusal to accept their own flaws/bad behaviour so turning it back on someone else.

Thanks for your replies. I would have expected “I am so sorry, please forgive me” not loading on hate and spite.
What do I know.

I remember a couple I was close to. The woman was far too good for the man. I remember him starting to get really picky with her, moaning about the food she cooked him with a face on him. I found out later he’d been having an affair and the penny dropped that it was going on around the time he started picking on her. Tbh, it made me think “what an epic cunt”. Cunts cheat. Cunts are spiteful towards their partners / exes. So it isn’t surprising that someone who is guilty of the former is also guilty of the latter. He’s a cunt and has no decency. Voila! There’s your answer .

Seriously though, he sounds like a very weak and unpleasant individual, who you are better off without ((((unmumsnetty hugs))))

Thanks @CupOTea. I needed that xx

I think it's quite common for men to blame their partners for their bad behaviour, unfortunately. Whether it's cheating, gambling, drugs, emotional abuse, violence, even rape. First they deny, when that doesn't work they minimise, when that doesn't work they blame, if that doesn't work they go back to denying/bullying/gaslighting or any other method at their disposal. They may cry or threaten to leave or kill themselves. This is just emotional blackmail.

Sometimes often these marvellous men have a few vices going all at once. They are emotionally abusive bullies who gamble to start with, then they add drugs and beating us in for good measure. Then when we think they have peaked in nastiness, they cheat on us or rape us. Because actually the disease always is the same. It's about them having no respect for women, not about the way in which they choose to wound and betray us.

And before anybody points it out, I am fully aware that women can be abusers too. But I also think that there are a fairly large group of arsehole men who all seem to use the same methods to abuse their partners. I've been with the cheat, and the gambler, and the emotional abuser, and I have had the pleasure of a true "Jack of all trades" who didn't discriminate and just disrespected and hurt me any way he could. But cheating is really shitty. And gaslighting and blaming and all that not taking responsibility they do? That's the real kicker.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word?

Offence is the best form of defence. Plus, they're clearly arseholes, why not go the whole hog.

Guilt is a very powerful emotion that none of us want to feel. So we push it over to someone else. My ex was the same. 10 years plus later he still behaves like an absolute twat.

It's easier to demonise the other person that admit that you acted poorly. Shitty thing that weak people do. I'm sorry you are going through this but you married an idiot.

As others have said, it’s to absolve themselves from blame. If they find enough faults with you, it excuses them.....

When I got the “I don’t feel the same anymore” speech, the list of my crimes was ridiculous. The things thrown at me included:

Brushing him off at 2am one night, three months earlier , when I was tired, so “rejected him”

Not wanting sex in a PI when had especially bought a condom from the machine (he fell asleep)

Not having sex for almost a month (he had cracked ribs and pleurisy)

Wanting to go on holiday, he didn’t allegedly (yet jetted off with OW a few months later)

I didn’t have tea on the table when he came home

The house was untidy

...... the list is endless, but it was all petty things to excuse why he had to leave. Once I became the evil monster then poor little him couldn’t possibly be expected to stay with me. (Of course the fact he was texting OW had nothing to do with it, they were just friends. )

Reader, he married her 😂😂

Because of the underlying belief that as a man he is above women and he does not have to answer to them, he does not have to account for himself.
Therefore if you call him out you are a subordinate person questioning a superior, he has to slap you down and put you back in your place, it feels instinctively like the right thing for him to do.

First they deny, when that doesn't work they minimise, when that doesn't work they blame, if that doesn't work they go back to denying/bullying/gaslighting or any other method at their disposal. They may cry or threaten to leave or kill themselves. This is just emotional blackmail.

This is exactly what I came on to say, I would also add the 'how dare you believe her over me - she sent me pages and pages of texts and pictures, so he couldn't deny. When he realised I actually wasn't putting up with his shit any more and was leaving then he smashed the house to bits and started on me, luckily my neighbours at the time phoned the police, they interviened and I live to tell the tale. He was so inscenced that I dare challenge and leave him, it drove him over the edge. Then he threatened suicide, I contacted his family who were a bit "Oh you caught him cheating then, don't worry, he won't do it" - he didn't, and apparently had lots of form for that.
I got the feeling he needed the power and control, and me knowing took that away and the anger and results were him truly losing control. It also turned the spotlight away from what he'd done.
My ex did the accusations before he got caught, at times I later found out he was very close to being caught, I'd question something a bit odd and he'd answer, calmly and rationally. Half an hour later all hell would break loose about something I'd apparently done, or said. Once it was because in a cafe the door opened and I looked over as it did - a man walked in, apparently I looked at other men all the time and was probably shagging my male and gay workmate, and my almost 60 year old, and very happily married boss 🙄 that came up about 3 days later, when he'd been seen by someone I knew with someone he shouldn't have been with.
I'm sorry you're here right now, it's so horrible, but don't buy into any of it, I know it's frustrating and so, so unfair, but try and rise above it and leave it and him where they belong, in the past.

Honestly I believe everyone who cheats blames their partner, it’s maybe a guilt thing it is certainly trying to make themselves feel better I also think they believe it, like the false memory phenomenon.

I think both men and women who cheat do this. Men I think do it more aggressively then women and more of them cheat, so it’s more obvious.

I also think that in some occasions it’s not completely false, in some occasions the marriage has already broken down, however a lot of the time that is just an excuse.

I am sorry OP that you are going through this.

My ex got aggressive when he was pretending to be loves young dream.

He gaslighted me so much that I dont actually trust men's intentions anymore. I was going through PND at the time. It was awful.

Just remember OP, It's not you!

I think it's the same kind of person who says things like 'apoligising is a sign of weakness', rather than thinking 'apologising is a sign I recognise the impact of my behaviour on other people and can improve next time'

Honestly i think they're all on the sociopath scale. The fkers

I'm not sure if it's as straightforward as sociopathy though....these men can probably empathize with other men, I feel is more in the category of misogyny, ie born out of hatred or mistrust for women

Thank you all of you. It’s balm to my soul. I found out my husband of many years had had a two year affair, I was in blissful ignorance until I came across cards and photos she had sent him, when my world tumbled apart, he told me it was my fault, dragging up old rows, even I never supported him when he tried to give up smoking (!), I never was enthusiastic enough about sex, I was more interested in the kids than him and he wanted fun and excitement. They were 60 at the time.

The hatred and vitriol were frightening. This changed to a small amount of remorse, apparently I was his “best friend “ I told him I didn’t marry him to be a friend, I thought I was his love and life partner. Changed back to blame and nasty, hurtful accusations. Apparently I made him say these things ! Yeah he loved me as a friend while shagging his (also married) tart.

Then a couple of days ago I found a message on his Facebook where he was trying to meet up with a woman he knew several years ago. I read it, confronted him with more evidence of his lying and cheating, he denied it (although there in print) and started shouting at me again.

I’ve had enough, I don’t love him or even like him any more and feel I have wasted my life. Every memory is tainted.

Thanks - it’s good to rant x

In order to get to the point of cheating, a lot of mental and emotional gymnastics must be done.

The spouse is devalued and holes are picked in the relationship. The cheater starts seeing himself as the victim of his spouse and the poor misunderstood hero of his own narrative. The affair partner probably encourages this.

So when reality intrudes on all of this fantasy - when you catch him and remind him that he is a horrible human being who has betrayed someone who didn't deserve to be treated like that - he has already crossed so many lines that a few more don't matter.

He defends the scenario he has built up in his head, the one where he was entitled to his affair because you were so worthless as a wife.

The alternative is to accept that he is exactly the scum you think he is. That won't happen.

The good news is that it's not you, it's him. You were perfectly fine as a wife. You were perfectly good in bed. You were a loving partner. He otoh was open to the narrative that he was entitled to more, and a weak man.

Because it works?

Because they don't know what else to do or say?

Because they hope it's true?

Because a cornered rat bites!

So sorry, OP. I hope things start getting better for you from now.

And there is also the loss of control involved in being caught. He has probably considered himself quite the devious genius for the course of the affair, completely in control of his life, playing games with two women and getting away with it because of his suave brilliance. Control is very important to a man who deep down has no respect for women.

Then you burst his bubble and he was no longer in control.

(((((((((Madd Hugs))))))) OP. 🌻💐🌻

It's Utterly soul breaking and I feel for you

More ((((((Hugs))))))