Why men go on the attack when caught cheating.

[wastedyearsandtears]

Being a recent (heartbroken) victim, I have been reading many threads and am amazed how the formula seems to be to blame the one being cheated on, for example not being enthusiastic about sex, dragging up old rows etc etc. It’s happened to me after many years of marriage, which I always thought was a happy one and this appears to be a normal response.
Also what is with this “but you’re my best friend “ toss? When you have utterly devastated, betrayed and destroyed your life partner?

The truth of these replies is like a shining beacon. Believe me I am not perfect, I am a normal wife, mum, grandmother and human being. Doing my best, sometimes imperfectly. But I don’t deserve betrayal, lies and cheating and abuse when he is caught out.

I’m so sad

may explain better.

Thanks for the support all of you kind caring folk (@TheMaddHugger) felt that hug and it helped ❤️

I feel for you, I had the unfaithful partner too, he was nasty and picky with me until I found out and told him we were parting then he started begging for another chance but he had already had that chance. A leopard does not change its spots.

OP, I am sorry you've gone through this, I have too and had exactly the same treatment. We had a long marriage with a late baby and he walked out when that baby was two years old having started an affair with somebody known to us. Then it was all my fault. It's still my fault. To this day (nearly 6 years later), I get emails from the OW telling me that I really need to take responsibility for my "failings". She even had the fucking temerity to call me a sociopath. I was described as cold, emotionless, controlling, frigid, the list was endless. I was none of those things, ever. Not ever. They are SO vile to me that I know that the issue isn't mine, it is theirs. She was newly widowed and moved my ex in almost immediately. Yet all of it was my fault and the horrific abuse they have inflicted on me since is apparently justified because I "brought it on myself". They are horrible, narcissistic, disordered people who will never find a moments peace. They are isolated from friendship, they only really have eachother and as far as I am concerned, they need to keep the triangulation going because it keeps their relationship in a suspended "affair" state and all the excitement that comes with it. Yet, I am not interested. They can't seem to fathom that. It's pitiful. The only thing that my ex husband has repeated to everybody that really hurts me is that he knew he'd made a mistake within two years of us marrying. I am sure some people treat him as a martyr who has escaped the clutches of his awful wife. Yet he knows and I know that that is simply not true, it's just a narrative that makes him feel and places the guilt on me.

Try the Freedom Programme

I had one of these. It even went so far as to divorce ME for unreasonable behaviour! Total cunt! He subsequently remarried to a woman he bought online. I do feel sorry for her & their kids!

We live in a patriarchal society. Us men are pre-programmed to believe we are naturally superior to women, that we are entitled to have our needs and wants met by the females in our lives. That is the default. Some men try and not be like that but for the majority it still takes some degree of conscious effort. For the rest, it is natural that when something goes wrong in the relationship it must be the woman's fault, regardless of the actual facts. For the same reasons, It is also challenging for many men to take criticism from women in good grace. Add to that, the natural physical advantage means we can be unreasonable cunts if we choose without fear of getting a well deserved smack in the gob.

It’s because they can’t bear to think of themselves as the bad guy. Their mummies won’t approve and they won’t get a sticker.

Its hardly exclusive to cheating men

Attack being the best form of defense etc

Self-identity is a funny thing. It will do almost anything to protect itself. It cannot bare to be wrong, and in these people, if they generally believe themselves to be a good person, it will rewrite the truth to "prove" that the cheater isn't at fault.

I don’t love him or even like him any more and feel I have wasted my life. Every memory is tainted.

This is such a horrible place to be in, and his words to you are the utmost in cruelty since they are the weapons he used to put you there.

A single ounce of honesty and decency on his part could at least have left you with your memories and your sense of who you were and what you had over all the years, the feeling that had meaning to your life.

These people are emotional vampires. I don't think psychopath is too strong a label.

The rawness of the wound will ease as time goes by. It will take a lot of conscious effort on your part to try to reclaim your life, however. I had to make a decision and a promise to myself to draw a line under it, to affirm my own self worth whenever I felt myself going under (which happened if I stopped to think the scale of the injury my exH inflicted) and to be able to look at family snapshots or to celebrate Christmas with my DCs with whole hearted happiness again.

Be kind and sweet to yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Listen to music that you like to sing along to. Get yourself a long massage, a facial, a manicure, a day spa experience. Buy some really good coffee or tea and make a point of sitting and enjoying it. Buy some lovely perfume. Paint your home. Plant a tree.

Every memory is tainted Oh yes, OP.
Looking through my phone at dates I now know DH was cheating.It is soul destroying .

@toogood I think you summ it up very succinctly there, although women are also just as capable of this type of behaviour when caught out
we can all behave badly but as said, because of the patriarchal society, because of the patriarchal water that we all swim in men tend to have more licence to take the piss
we all have the potential to be opportunist, to take the piss when we see the opportunity, to try and have our cake and eat it

Today I went through our many photo albums and destroyed any of the two of us together, holidays etc. He was furious and very upset. I told him he was more upset about that than the pain and agony he had put me through. I told him they were a sham anyway, two people grinning, one just pretending and the other one not knowing it was all lies.

He said it had really hurt him I had done that. No reply to that other than “good” really is there? This is the man who told me he would rather have a wank than have sex with me.🤷‍♀️

You hurt him?

Poor diddums.

Don’t you just love how he’s allowed to hurt you as much as he likes, get angry at any of your reactions, and then get hurt when you respond the way you need to his behaviour? Jerk.

I’d be handing him a cheese grater to wank with right about now...

More (((((((Madd Madd hugs))))))). 💐🌼💐🍫

Hold your head high.

It's because the need to have a reason, they need to justify it to themselves as well as others because they think it makes it sound as though there was nothing they could do, and sticking their cock in someone else was inevitable because their life at home is just so hard.

I think it's control more than guilt. Once they get caught out it's harder fir them to manipulate you. They don't want you to end the relationship, they want to keep you hanging on in ignorance until the moment it suits them to dump you.
Sorry you're going through this, OP. I suggest you try a bit of grey rocking, ie stop reacting to him, do not let him see how hurt you are, do not get angry. Keep it polite and non commital and give him as little attention as possible.

Transference. By making the problem a joint one there is a supposed better chance of reconciliation.

They are justifying it to themselves, making up reasons to explain it and convince themselves. It means they don’t have to take any responsibility.

Some people simply cannot take ownership of their life decisions. It has to be someone else's fault they had an affair. It's all bullshit, designed to make them feel better about their actions. They have to have an excuse like 'you are like this so I had no choice but to do that'. All bullshit.

Sorry you are going through this Must be awful.