To mourn the family I may never have?

[twinkledag]

Posting here for sympathy / kick up the backside / to be told I should be grateful / your support..: anything you can offer!

I'll keep it brief.

1 child conceived via ivf 4 years ago.
Spent the past 3 years trying for a sibling. 2 failed rounds of ivf including 1 ending in miscarriage. Just finished what we said would be our final cycle. Ended up with 1 suitable embryo which will be tested for chromosomal abnormalities to try and avoid another miscarriage.

Feel so down today. 1 left? 1 chance and after our history I don't have any faith in it. I am 40 too which just adds to the feeling of being too old.

All this has cost the best part of £25k, we can't keep on throwing money at it.

I'm incredibly grateful to have DS but I wanted a bigger family, I wanted 2 children, that's normal for everyone else, why not us?

I love children. I've always been the one who's looked after my cousins when younger, later my nieces and nephews, I love being around children, this just feels so unfair.

Adoption and donor embryos may be an option in the future but for today, I just feel so incredibly down about it.

I'm sorry love. There's nothing I can say other than you sound very reasonable to me - so grateful for what you have, but so sad at what you may not have. But don't give up hope. Maybe it will happen. If it doesn't, then maybe the relief of stopping the trying and the associate angst might end up being stronger than the sadness. Sending you lots of happy vibes.

I get it. We’re not quite as far along as you but I had a miscarriage two years ago and haven’t been able to get pregnant again since. We have a DD who is three and I feel so guilty sometimes that she doesn’t have a sibling. She loves babies and talks about all her friends baby brothers and sisters al the time. It is so hard to listen to.

I’m 39 so we are reaching the end of the line too. Can’t afford to pay for private IVF. Just finishing all out tests before the next appointment with the consultant.

It sucks. The worst part is feeling that you aren’t appreciating what you’ve got- and everyone trying to point that out to you (Yes, I bloody well know).

Twinkle...I don't know what to say..I just want to give you a huge hug. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I feel for you, and absolutely don’t want to sound horrible or insensitive, but just wonder if you’ve considered adoption ever? It’s not for everyone for sure but I know some delightful families who have one or more adopted dc

Mourning for the loss of the family and future you wanted sounds like a really normal and healthy thing to me.

I'm so sorry.

For what it's worth, I didn't read your post and think you should be grateful, I thought how incredibly tough all that must have been to go through - and be going through - and how distressing it sounded.

Sure, one day you might feel grateful, but right now you are allowed to be angry or down and to grieve for your dreams. I think the mourning needs to happen to get to a place where you can feel grateful (if that is how you end up feeling). It's a human response and how we process our feelings about any kind of loss.

I hope you can be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry. Not the same situation I know but I have 1 child & yearn so much for another. My stbxh left so I know that's it for me, I'm too old to start again.

1 chance is still a chance, my auntie conceived on that last chance, that 1 last egg so it's not impossible

I've seen your posts before over on the Infertility board, as we also went through IVF. Here's a massive bunch of 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐 Take care if yourself. I'll have everything crossed for your final embryo x

I went through similar OP

A second never happened for me, although I’m wondering whether to have a final pop with donor sperm.

I think it’s really important to give yourself time to grieve - that’s not being “ungrateful”.

@Provincialbelle - please read my last sentence again.

Thank you everyone, it's nice to be able to talk about it. It's hard in real life - I can't talk to my husband as I don't want to make him sad.

My sister says I do have a family, which I know I do, but I feel it's easy for her to say when she's got her two easily conceived children, a boy and a girl. I know she's only trying to help.

I have a friend who tells me not to give up and 40 isn't old (she has no children yet, has just started trying and is also 40) but she's just at the beginning of her journey. I started TTC in 2011! That's been 8 years of dealing with this.

We've got ourselves into debt for this. I've flown to and from Athens for treatment, landing at the airport in Athens at 4am then going for egg transfer at 9am. Ive lied to work, I've dragged my son with me to various clinics here and abroad. It's been shit!!!

Provincialbelle you managed to sound horrible and insensitive, well done! All could have been avoided if you'd given the OP the courtesy of reading her post in its entirety.

I think you need to mourn for what you hoped you'd have before you can focus on what you do have and find another path through life.

But don't spend too long pining for something out of reach when you already have a treasure with you every day.

Enjoy your son. You are lucky to have him.

Well she's right, you do have a family, but YANBU to grieve the other babies you wanted. It's a totally natural reaction to a shit situation.

I feel for you. Ivf-er here. And I'm 39. I hope I'll have a second child too next year. Haven't started trying yet but I hope the journey isn't too long.

I only hope your last embryo is the one that makes your family complete .

Good luck and massive e-hug

I'm sorry, that feeling that you aren't complete (even though you have a delightful child(ren) is hard. I find myself gazing at babies dreaming of only (in my case it was my decision but I regret it). Perhaps you will conceive this time or maybe fate has another path in store for you.

My friend met her soul mate at 42, 3 years later they started on the path to adoption, that was 5 years ago and they are coming up to the third anniversary of the children arriving. Not an easy path to tread.

I never got my longed for second child, it broke my heart. I had miscarriage after miscarriage and after a particularly nasty appointment at Jessop's in Sheffield, I gave up, it was consuming my life and I didn't want to be pitied.

Years down the line I'm quite thankful I only had one, we had a lovely relationship and I gave him the best childhood I possibly could. He's a drinker and not a very nice one, we are very low contact.

Chin up and I sincerely hope you get your second baby x

You have family

I think it's normal to grieve for that family you had in your head, without it meaning you don't love and appreciate what you already have

Add to that frustration that other people seem to conceive children that they don't want easily life does seem unfair at times - and it's ok to say thats crap, sometimes life is shit and unfair (I used to find kickboxing and a punchbag helpful when I was feeling that frustrated with life - then come home, sob in the shower/bath - but feel better afterwards, more accepting of what I couldn't change)

@loveonthewall I do have a family, yes, and my DS is loved so much - too much, sometimes! But after having 9 embryos transferred in the past 6 years and only having 1 child from this, I'm allowed to be sad aren't I?

YANBU OP.

Different situation to you OP, I had numerous failed relationships, had a miscarriage in my mid 20s, not longer after my marriage when down the toilet. Numerous failed relationships followed.

I was 36 when I had DD, ex walked out on me when I was 38. As a lone parent I struggled enough with one DC, did not have time to find a new relationship.

My baby would be 30 this year. Came to terms with the miscarriage a long time ago, but it does make me wonder about the life I would have had with a bigger family.

You have family

And you have no empathy. In that situation it’s orobably best not to post on a thread where the OP is finding a sensitive situation difficult.

again OP. I found secondary infertility abominable because not only was I dealing with the infertility but people took away one’s ability to be honest about how hard it was.

I'm sorry op and everyone else here in similar situations. Life is so utterly unfair sometimes. And I think the misery is made worse by people telling you to be grateful for what you have.

OP you do grieve and move on. Whether it is not having a 3rd child with a childless new partner, not giving your only child a sibling or accepting you'll never be a parent. It hurts like hell especially ehrn you've invested so much but you definitely move on, find peace and realise that you don't feel a void any longer and can start enjoying what you have.

Don't start the process before you're there though. Right now, you need to remain positive. You'll have plenty of time to grieve afterwards if it doesn't happen.

Telling the op to remain positive will probably piss her off even more.. She is feeling sad and bereft and needs support and being made to feel her feelings are normal, which they are. Totally normal. Remaining positive just sounds a bit AARRGGHH