Ds2 is 10 in y5 and family friend's ds (Frank) is 12 in y7. Frank is very strong and (imo, but not diagnosed) shows adhd symptoms, very high energy and impulsive. My dses (older ds is y8) don't really like him because he often hurts them. He's stronger than he takes and doesn't have boundaries. I try to encourage friendship with him as mum is a good friend, supported me at times and Frank doesn't have many friends/ has been bullied quite a bit in school. Ds1 is year above in same school, we see then a lot in activities we have in common etc. etc.
Yesterday on a walk Frank was pushing Ds1 on a swing in forest. Ds1 wanted him to stop as was hurting his balls (rope swing). Frank did not stop. Mum intervened. By about 5th time of Mum asking he stopped when Ds1 was being really quite upset. Next, ds2 climbing fallen tree. He's a bit scared of heights but he did not want to show that so went ahead. Frank pushed him when he was in difficult position and ds2 nearly fell off. He was petrified. Mum told him off (fairly mildly by my standards). I was fuming. Towards end of walk, Ds1 ahead and dd, ds2 and Frank behind. They were climbing round a small bridge over a steam about 2.5m high so not tall and wide ledge about a foot wide so easy to climb round. Frank decided to push ds2 off the bridge. Ds2 clung to his leg and Frank laughed and said 'You look like you're humping me. Humper, humper... ' Ds2 said, 'You hump Jenny' (another mutual friend in y7). Frank kneed ds2 in stomach. He didn't fall in but was winded and crying. Frank told his mum ds2 said he f*cks Jenny. Dd was there and said he didn't say that, he used hump and ds2 says the same (I've spoken to them separately, exactly same story) but not sure mum heard that bit. She made Frank apologise to ds2 later when we got home 'for what happened earlier' . I did not make ds2 apologise for the humping comment as I was still too furious at Frank. If either of my dses treated another child, or each other, that way they'd be in really serious trouble. She seemed quite calm, but if course I dunt know if he's had any further sanctions.
Mum wants to talk to me about the incident and its probably good because I still feel upset. However, I think she wants to bring up that ds2 didn't apologise for the humping comment. I still don't feel like he should considering the considerable provocation behind it. Dh thinks he should. However, dh also does not want our dses around this child anymore. It's difficult as they see each other a fair bit at activities we have in common as parents so there would need to be active avoidance (don't play with him...) . Dh wants to tell the parents that our children are not safe around their son.
What does MN jury think?