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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in expecting something for tea when we go to my sil ?

76 replies

CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 10:30

Sil lives about 30 - 40 minutes drive . On birthdays etc we always get invited over ther for some 'cake ' always between 2 to 4pm . Never offered to give anything more than that i.e a few sandwiches etc etc.

It is a bit of a standing joke in the family that she is a bit tight with food. ( money not an issue ).

If I was to invite pople over for the afternoon for a birthday I would at least offer sandwiches etc espcially for the children .

So we always make a point of saying when we leave , must go now have to cook tea, as we never get it at her house !

Me and Dh have got so fed up with it over the years we never invite them over for tea anymore as it is never done at her house .

I am not expecting a full Sunday roast but surely a few nibbles and sandwiches to save us having to come home and do tea ourselves.

I am being unreasonable ?

OP posts:

KerryMumbledore · 15/07/2007 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield · 15/07/2007 12:22

Any time a family member comes to visit I always boil the kettle & make tea. depending on the time of day I will put out a plate of biccies, or I will make sandwiches.

For example, the other day my sisters were visiting me at 3.30. I have 2 kids of my own & my 2 sisters have 3 each, which was 4 adults [including my mother!!] I knew if they came at 3.30 they would be coming straight from a soccer camp & would have had no lunch & would be too hungry to wait for dinner.... so I stuck a few pizzas in the oven & a couple of garlic breads & some oven chips... just sliced the pizza & garlic bread up & fed the kids.

The adults had tuna & egg& onion sandwiches.. not very difficult to do when you know people are visiting!

I also have another sister who will offer you a coffee & nothing else, but tbh when I visit family I usually stay a while so have been fed everywhere None of us live less than an hour away from each other.

amidaiwish · 15/07/2007 12:59

i've been thinking about this quite a bit while making lunch and wondering why most of you think she is being unreasonable and i don't.

i think i find it unreasonable that someone expects you to drive 40 mins, stay for 2 hours and drive 40 mins home - with children - and not offer you anything to eat besides cake and a cup of tea.

if i invited local friends to pop in for cake between 2 and 4 and they expected more than tea and cake, then yes they would be being unreasonable.

WigWamBam · 15/07/2007 14:19

We drive 40 minutes to see my parents and rarely get offered anything other than a cup of tea. If we were there at a meal time then they would probably offer something to eat, but otherwise not. Why would they? We go to see them, not for them to serve us food.

We drive for two hours to see my MIL for a two hour visit and then drive for two hours to get home again, and are rarely offered anything more than tea and a biscuit - because we aren't there at a meal time.

I really don't think it's that big an issue in the grand old scheme of things, that's all - it's just not something that I would get hot under the collar about. Life's too short to get stressed over a couple of sandwiches.

JammyPotter · 15/07/2007 14:21

not sure abuot this - i guess if you have been invited it is only polite to offer a light tea and drinks. I always over cater too and dont get as mich as a drink at my sisters house. when she drops in on us she raidsn the cupboards and her dh does

lucyellensmum · 15/07/2007 14:55

Captain underpants, i do think you are being a tiny wee bit unreasonable actually. Perhaps your SIL has better things to do with her time than catering for the masses. She may feel that she is ruining tea for the children or it just doesn't fit in with her day. Be grateful that you get cake, if you come to my house, you may, if you are lucky be offered a cup of tea or a beer.

My MIL is like Mrs Doyle, if we visit, admittedly she is a fair way away we get offered dinner no matter what, we refuse because bless her she is a pants cook, but accept a sandwich and gallons of tea, if we hesitate it really is a case of - go an go an, you know you want to I would rather though she spent her time chatting to her son and GD instead of fussing over us but she enjoys it.

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 18:38

It was n't a childs birthday , it was HER birthday , people still sitting around at 5.30pm and nothing .

If it was a one off then I wouldn't be bothered but she never offers to have family round unlike her siblings .

The hospitality is never returned .

OP posts:

MumOfSlytherinsMonsters · 15/07/2007 18:53

have only read the OP so far but YABU. its 2-4thatsnot a meal time

maisym · 15/07/2007 18:57

for me 2-4 isn't a meal - some biscuits or cake - lovely!

if it bothers you take your own sarnies.

stressteddy · 15/07/2007 18:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable -it's a sister in law thing isn't it? They can be down righ weird???? You agreee non???

IF you have to drive that far and if it's a special invitiation then I think there should be a "spread". Not just cake - that's not what normal people would do having invited them to their home
Captain underpants I am fully on your side

MumOfSlytherinsMonsters · 15/07/2007 18:59

and its you that chooses to do the 40 min drive. you could always post the present/card whatever instead.

I would think it rude if i invited ppl from 2-4 and they stayed until 5:30 expecting a meal!

i hate catering for people so i, like your SIL, avoid it where i can. Some people like doing it some don't.

stressteddy · 15/07/2007 18:59

I would also add that if anyone "drove" to see me then I would offer them more than tea and cake

MrsWeasley · 15/07/2007 19:06

This is a good one and winds me up dreadfully. My mum turns up with a 5 year old at 3pm and says "oh have you had lunch then" yes lunch is eaten at lunch time. After a lot of huffing and puffing and her telling the 5 yo that auntie weasley has had lunch so he will have to go hungry. I usually make him snack then he moans its not chicken nuggets and chips! If I dont make him anything he sits and stuffs biscuits from my mums bag and then I'm a baddie because my DC arent encouraged to eat 20 biscuits at a time.

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 19:07

But its family she is inviting not just anyone .

So at a families house at the stroke of 4pm do we all get up and walk out .

the whole point of her saying between 2 and 4 is that she can avoid laying on a spread .

Even when PIL are staying there , she will invite her siblings round but never for a family meal.

OP posts:

inamuckingfuddle · 15/07/2007 19:13

my SIL, DH's sis, is just like this - always avoids putting on a spread if she can and if she has to, she gets MIL to do it for her e.g. xmas lunch a few yrs back, MIL did the whole lot then took it round to SIL's who beamed and took all the credit I dare say there are other issues, I know I have a few with SIL, like the day I found her 5yo giving fruit shoots and quavers to my DTs 5 mins after we'd finished lunch (which needless to say was cooed by MIL and not eaten by her DD) families, love em

stressteddy · 15/07/2007 19:14

captain I was on your side - don't think you are being unreasonable at all

WigWamBam · 15/07/2007 19:15

Hospitality isn't only about food though. Is she a nice person, is she fun, does she make you laugh, do you enjoy being around her? Does she make you feel welcome other than not providing food for you?

For me those things are more important than whether she provides sandwiches for you or not. If it's a generally nice experience when you see her then the fact she "only" gives you tea and cake shouldn't matter all that much.

If it's not a pleasant experience (and not only because you're seething about not being fed) then that's a different matter.

stressteddy · 15/07/2007 19:17

I think you all miss the point that if you don't particularly get on with your sister in law then this stuff will annoy you
It's like the old mother in law thing. We forgive our mothers lots but not our mother in laws

lucyellensmum · 15/07/2007 21:34

you really are being unfair actually. Its the womans birthday FGS, perhaps she doesnt want to be faffing around waiting on people who dont appreciate it. Maybe you could have offered to take her for a meal, take cake round etc, even make her a cup of tea.

My house, youd be lucky to get tea - of course youd be welcome to make some yourself, i have two sugars please

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 21:38

Take her out for a meal - you're 'aving a larf , she is one of the most tight fisted women I know ! It was my birthday earlier thsi month , didn't see me being taken out for a meal or a present either !

OP posts:

PinkPotterWeasleys · 15/07/2007 21:44

If it's ongoing to the point that it's a standing joke maybe she is wondering why you're all still going on about it. "I'm never going to do sandwiches. Why don't they get over it and sort out dinner before they come or even bring their own food?"

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 21:51

She'll never change so I and the rest of DH family must get over it and get used to the fact that she is as tight as a ducks ar**.

OP posts:

noonar · 15/07/2007 21:59

actually, i agree with who ever said that the journey makes all the difference, here. with a local tea party, that'd be fine, but if i took my dds-aged 3 and 5 on 4.5hr round trip, i'd need more than a piece of cake to keep them going. and by the time tea was ready, it'd actually be more like 5 hours between meals. too long.

captain, you do sound a bit resentful towards your sil, which is a shame. i agree with your main point, but not the attitude!

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 22:00

oh lighten up people pleeeassse

OP posts:

noonar · 15/07/2007 22:01

5 hours between meals is ok for adults, but not tiny ones who need to eat little and often.

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