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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in expecting something for tea when we go to my sil ?

76 replies

CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 10:30

Sil lives about 30 - 40 minutes drive . On birthdays etc we always get invited over ther for some 'cake ' always between 2 to 4pm . Never offered to give anything more than that i.e a few sandwiches etc etc.

It is a bit of a standing joke in the family that she is a bit tight with food. ( money not an issue ).

If I was to invite pople over for the afternoon for a birthday I would at least offer sandwiches etc espcially for the children .

So we always make a point of saying when we leave , must go now have to cook tea, as we never get it at her house !

Me and Dh have got so fed up with it over the years we never invite them over for tea anymore as it is never done at her house .

I am not expecting a full Sunday roast but surely a few nibbles and sandwiches to save us having to come home and do tea ourselves.

I am being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 10:33

maybe yes.

maybe she doesn't want you to stay too long and that's why she doesn't do food?

maybe your mum or someone could offer to go over early to 'help' and say something like ' oh lets do a few butties in case the kids are hungry'-and she might get the hint.

but if the party is 2 -4 then i don't see the problem in cokking when you get home-you'll be home by 5pm?

iesha · 15/07/2007 10:35

I don't know if yabu or not really. What time does your SIL normally eat? If I invited someone over between 2-4 I wouldn't offer food either as we eat our evening meal at 5.30. If your kids eat at this time why not say "do you mind if I make a quick sarnie for DC" She may not have even thought of food at that time.

BecauseImTheFatLady · 15/07/2007 10:35

Yes I think you are, tbh. You are being invited over between 2 and 4, which are not meal times. And you're also being given cake.

I wouldn't expect to feed anyone anything else. Would definitely offer tea/coffee (or wine/beer/champagne, if appropriate!) but nothing else.

If she's only 30-40 minutes away then it's not far for you to come home and have your own tea.

Do you have other issues with SIL by any chance?!

amidaiwish · 15/07/2007 10:38

actually, YANBU imo.

it is a 40 min drive, that is a 1.5 hour round trip, all for a bit of cake and i assume for you to deliver presents!

but then again i always cater and over cater. but i think it's only hospitable and good manners. it doesn't take much - especially if she just M&S's it.

KaySamuels · 15/07/2007 10:39

Yes I think YABU (a little).
Can you not put a casserole/stewbaked potatoes or something in the oven on low heat before you go? Or leave slightly earlier to go get your tea on?
I think it's nice you are invited over for cake with the kids (and I'm sure the kids would only be interested in the cake anyway!).

GryffindorGHOSTY · 15/07/2007 10:40

Yes, sorry but you are being unreasonable to be expecting anything more when you are only invited for cake between 2 and 4.
I don't eat sandwiches or a meal at those times so I wouldn't offer more than cake or biscuits if the invitation is just for afternoon tea (ie cake)
HOWEVER ... if I had someone driving 40 minutes to see me I would invite them for longer than just 2 hours and invite them for lunch or dinner ... but that is just me.

chacha3 · 15/07/2007 10:40

always go up to sil around tea time after kids finish school stay for an hour then take kids home for tea! dont expect her to make us tea she has her own kids to feed! altough she does offer but only because she has started making her own!

BecauseImTheFatLady · 15/07/2007 10:40

Surely the point of the visit is to celebrate someone's birthday? Sounds like you're forgetting that, imo.

WigWamBam · 15/07/2007 10:42

An invitation between 2pm and 4pm is what my MIL calls "afternoon tea" ... which means you're being invited for tea and cake. I wouldn't expect anything other at that time of day - it's not a meal-time, and really you're not far enough away for it to mean you miss a meal-time either.

Dropping hints and then being offended when they aren't picked up doesn't work. If you have a problem with it, or your children are hungry, then tell her and ask if you can make a sandwich.

Sounds like this isn't really about the odd sandwich - I would guess that there are other issues with your SIL.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 10:43

although i think that yabu-i would always do a litle party 'tea' with sanwiches etc if i had family coming over for a birthday.

or a lunch.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 10:43

sanDwiches

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 10:51

ther are no other issues with my Sil besides the food . As I said it is a standing joke in the family about it.

The whole point of her saying it is between 2 - 4 is that she doesn't have to cater for anyone. She never has.

If ypou invite family over I would expect some hospitality , its what we do but then again everyone is differnt , thansk for your replies . Off to make some sandwiches for the kids

OP posts:
filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 15/07/2007 10:54

i'd be very hurt if i was your sil and i found out that everyone was laughing at me rather than saying something.

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 10:58

Well the hint has been dropped so many times and my DH has said outright but she doesn't care .

Noboday is actually laughing at her .

OP posts:
GryffindorGHOSTY · 15/07/2007 11:08

Hey Captain Underpants ... ... your SIL sounds like a domestic goddess compared to my MIL ...
We get invited to stay there ... it has to be for a few days as it is a flight away.
But we have go to the supermarket to pick up food on the way to her house from the airport as, "I can't be buying food and cooking for you or anything!"

She's a nutter

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 11:36

Aren't families sooo much fun !

OP posts:
hercules1 · 15/07/2007 11:49

WHat about your brother?

EscapeFrom · 15/07/2007 11:52

You are a bit - it's not teatime, you don't have the right to expect a meal.

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 11:58

Its my DH sister , not my brothers sister .

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 11:59

No i'm my brothers sister - you know what I mean .

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 15/07/2007 12:01

I am not expecting a meal just a few sandwiches as I said earlier, we do it at our house when we ask family to come round, in fact we have done more than that and so has other members of the family , but not her , never has .

OP posts:
KerryMumbledore · 15/07/2007 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 15/07/2007 12:04

Well, it depends, I would always prepare at least some nibbles for the grown ups even if they are coming from across the street. Serving just the cake seems so temptingly easy but no, I wouldn't do that. But that's just me.

I think that what you have to do is to show up carrying lunch boxes with the bare essentials to keep your children going.

juuule · 15/07/2007 12:05

Yes, you are. You are being invited to celebrate your neice/nephew's birthday and partake in some of the cake if you wish. It isn't a party and she has no responsibility to feed you and your family. If you are so concerned about it why not try inviting her over to yours and doing tea for them. Lead by example but don't expect anything back for it. Instead of taking the stance of "well she won't , I won't". I've been there, done that and it's not worth the upset. Just be yourself and do things your way and let her do things her way. Life really is too short to let something like that get you down. If it really upsets you talk to her about it. Offer to take stuff so you can prepare a meal together, perhaps.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 15/07/2007 12:05

Kerry... great minds think alike!