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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don’t know aibu or is auntie and cousin

51 replies

Isithometimeyet0987 · 18/04/2019 22:35

Sorry if it’s a bit long I don’t want to drip feed.
So it’s my mums birthday soon and it’s a big one so my dad wants to plan a surprise meal for her on the closest Saturday to her actual birthday (all she wanted was a meal at a specific restaurant with her DH and kids), he got me to create a Facebook group chat (he’s not very good with phones so doesn’t know how to himself) with family members as he thought it would be nice to ask if any of them would like to come aswell but no pressure if they don’t

Here’s where the problem is my mum is a twin and mums twin was added into the chat and asked if she’s wants to go. Mums twin and her daughter are now cross that my dad hasn’t included her in the surprise meal (as in pay for her aswell) and has left the group chat and won’t talk to me now. She is actually going to Vegas with her partner as her present a week after her actual birthday.

So aibu to tell mums twin and daughter it’s not up to my dad to arrange a surprise meal for her when she has kids and a partner of her own that could organise one.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 18/04/2019 22:39

I wouldn't bother contacting her to tell her that. Your dad has already made the message clear by not offering to pay for it, so going ahead and explaining that will probably just start an argument. Just ignore their childish behaviour and it will either blow over or it wont and you will be well rid of a selfish pair.

BlackeyedGruesome · 18/04/2019 22:39

Absolutely not being unreasonable.

Singlenotsingle · 18/04/2019 22:39

Well it's true, but I don't know that it would be very tactful to say so! It certainly wouldn't mind any bridges! Maybe phrase it a bit more diplomatically?

Hanab · 18/04/2019 22:39

Not your dads problem in my opinion ... if her partner was taking your mum to vegas as well now that would be a different story 🤷🏻‍♀️

BeanBag7 · 18/04/2019 22:40

P.s. you and your dad are not being unreasonable. Unless your auntie's partner is also paying for your mum to go to Vegas.

Original poster
Isithometimeyet0987 · 18/04/2019 22:43

No aunties partner is definitely not paying for her to go to Vegas. Thanks for the reply’s I was really starting to doubt myself. I think I’ll say nothing for a few days and see if they get over it or if they are going to try and cause an argument.

OP posts:
EmpressJewel · 18/04/2019 22:56

It seems strange to organise a birthday surprise for your mum, invite her twin, but not celebrate the twins birthday as well.

It would be different if it was just a meal with your parents and siblings, but as you have invited others, it becomes a public celebration. But I guess that's one of the 'issues' with being a twin - your birthday is never your own.

In saying that, I don't think your father should be paying for your aunt and cousin to attend, unless he is paying for everyone else.

Original poster
Isithometimeyet0987 · 18/04/2019 23:06

They will be with each other on their actual birthday and will have a cake and get presents and all that. The meal is the Saturday after their birthday. No dad won’t be paying for everyone ones meals just his, my mums and my younger brothers. I asked her to go in the group chat with everyone else because I didn’t know if she had plans or even at the point of creating the chat what dates she was going to Vegas, of course if she goes to the meal I will organise her a cake and balloon at her seat etc same as mum I would never ignore her she would feel celebrated as well, it just would t be a surprise to her

OP posts:
MODGNIK · 18/04/2019 23:09

You set up a facebook page, invited people but are expecting them to pay for themselves?

Original poster
Isithometimeyet0987 · 18/04/2019 23:12

No a privet Facebook group chat for close family members and told them what the plan was and if anyone wanted to go to the meal let me know by a certain time for numbers

OP posts:
Amongstthetallgrass · 18/04/2019 23:16

What’s wrong with that MOD?

YANBU. Don’t engage in an argument.

Wheelerdeeler · 18/04/2019 23:16

I do not get the concept of organising a surprise meal and not paying for the guests.

CrazyOldBagLady · 18/04/2019 23:21

It seems odd to me to have a surprise birthday party for only one twin. You frame this as if it's about the money, but it seems more likely that the twin sister is hurt that her family only wanted to surprise her sister and not her, and she has to go along like any other attendee and congratulate her sister on her milestone birthday.

Amongstthetallgrass · 18/04/2019 23:25

wheeler maybe they can’t afford to pay for every one but would still like a gathering. Some of you guys must have never had to struggle for money..

MODGNIK · 18/04/2019 23:27

I do not get the concept of organising a surprise meal and not paying for the guests.

Neither do I.
Top CFery

Amongstthetallgrass · 18/04/2019 23:27

crazy they will spend the day together. The other twin is being whisked of to Vagas for her birthday. I don’t find it odd her husband would like to do something for his wife

Wheelerdeeler · 18/04/2019 23:27

If you can't afford it don't do it? There's plenty of things I'd love to do but I can't afford. Reality of life.

mightskys · 18/04/2019 23:28

I think as twins sharing a birthday becomes a bit like sharing your wedding day (can't think of any other way to explain it). Just because they are twins why can't they have their own birthday "do". They are individuals in their own right and I think it's nice each having their own day to celebrate their own birthday.

OPs mum is celebrating by going for a meal, and her sister is celebrating by going Vegas.

My cousins are twins and when they were younger they had joint parties. Now they are older they celebrate separately. We went to two 18ths, two 21sts and two 30ths and when it's not a milestone they each do something separate (with their friends mainly). If it's a big birthday they coordinate by doing them on separate weekends.

Amongstthetallgrass · 18/04/2019 23:28

I do not get the concept of organising a surprise meal and not paying for the guests

I’ve been to plenty and no one bats an eye lid

mummmy2017 · 18/04/2019 23:30

This is a surprise meal from a man this wife.
I think the twin thing is what is causing the problems,
So not unfair.
But as a twin inviting your aunt has upset her. Maybe be as you say leave it.....

Eponymous · 18/04/2019 23:30

I'm perplexed why some people think a party being a surprise means that you have to pay for everyone you invited.

Amongstthetallgrass · 18/04/2019 23:30

If you can't afford it don't do it?

What so you’ve never invited anyone to join you for a night out with paying for them? Every birthday meal you’ve been asked to attend some one has paid for you?

I think that’s really entitled to be honest.

SeriouslyStrongCheese · 18/04/2019 23:33

God not this again. It's totally 100% normal to organise a meal out and NOT pay for everyone unless you're Richard fucking Branson or Beyonce then no one would expect to have their meal paid for just popping along to a family and friends birthday.

GreenTulips · 18/04/2019 23:35

It seems strange to organise a birthday surprise for your mum, invite her twin, but not celebrate the twins birthday as well

Not at all - I have twins they have their own celebrations with their own friends, own cake and own presents and everything, just like your regular single non twin people.

PregnantSea · 19/04/2019 05:17

YANBU but definitely don't send her a message as you have described. Just completely leave it alone now.