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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don’t know aibu or is auntie and cousin

51 replies

Isithometimeyet0987 · 18/04/2019 22:35

Sorry if it’s a bit long I don’t want to drip feed.
So it’s my mums birthday soon and it’s a big one so my dad wants to plan a surprise meal for her on the closest Saturday to her actual birthday (all she wanted was a meal at a specific restaurant with her DH and kids), he got me to create a Facebook group chat (he’s not very good with phones so doesn’t know how to himself) with family members as he thought it would be nice to ask if any of them would like to come aswell but no pressure if they don’t

Here’s where the problem is my mum is a twin and mums twin was added into the chat and asked if she’s wants to go. Mums twin and her daughter are now cross that my dad hasn’t included her in the surprise meal (as in pay for her aswell) and has left the group chat and won’t talk to me now. She is actually going to Vegas with her partner as her present a week after her actual birthday.

So aibu to tell mums twin and daughter it’s not up to my dad to arrange a surprise meal for her when she has kids and a partner of her own that could organise one.

OP posts:
MargotSimpson · 19/04/2019 05:49

God another thread where people insist that if you invite people to anything you MUST pay for everyone yawn

waterygrass · 19/04/2019 07:03

For my 40th I suggested to close family (6 people) that we go to a local restaurant. In my head I was intending to cover my own/partners/child's meal and all of the drinks. My sister said her friend and family who I knew fairly were also coming and I presumed from this there was no expectation on me paying as I hadn't specifically invited them, but still happy to cover the drinks. The bill came and no one made a move, including the family who invited themselves. Lesson learnt!

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2019 07:24

In my world going out to celebrate someone's birthday but paying for your own meal is totally normal.

Hahaha88 · 19/04/2019 07:29

I'm clearly very far from middle class as never have I been invited for a celebratory meal for someone's birthday where everyone's meal is paid for

5LeafClover · 19/04/2019 07:32

Sorry , if you're inviting shared family then I think you were a bit U if you just added them to the group chat and that's the first they heard of it. A quick phone call to the cousin first to see if they had any plans for a family 'do' would have been better. You can't 'untwin' birthdays in the family setting especially if you've picked the closest Saturday to the date. I'm not really clear how the money part of your plan worked. Is it a v expensive restaurant? Did the invite give a cost per head and a suggestion that your mum's dinner should be split?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/04/2019 07:47

Sorry , if you're inviting shared family then I think you were a bit U if you just added them to the group chat and that's the first they heard of it. A quick phone call to the cousin first to see if they had any plans for a family 'do' would have been better. Wait, what now? You have to have pre-communication to warn about communication?

Oh, stop the social media driven world. My head is spinning!

GreenDragon75 · 19/04/2019 08:02

I think you and your dad are being perfectly reasonable. I have never expected someone else to pay for my meal. No one would anyone else I know. I would just leave it and wait to see if they come round.

SammySamSam09 · 19/04/2019 08:24

Ok let's get this straight.

Kids party - organiser pays
Dinner party at home - organiser pays but bring a bottle
House party - buffet supplied but bring your own bottle
BBQ - organiser supplies the food but bring your own if you have special requirements and don't forget to bring a bottle.
Restaurant - pay your own way unless you've been told otherwise.

It's not that hard to grasp is it Grin

Provincialbelle · 19/04/2019 08:30

Another vote here for it being totally normal for everyone to pay for themselves at a restaurant. You’d have to be loaded to pay for a large group - imagine how much the wine bill could run to? And you’d have to be a bit of a chancer to assume someone else was paying.

Of course that still leaves room for round 584 of “do you split the bill equally” thread ...

Sparkletastic · 19/04/2019 08:35

Can't get head round this odd idea that if someone organises a meal out they are expected to pay for everyone. Equally can't comprehend how, if invitees turn out to be CFs with long pockets and short arms host doesn't loudly declare 'Bill comes to £x each and x tip - who is paying by card and who with cash?' Assertiveness is your friend with CFs.

alittleprivacy · 19/04/2019 08:38

Neither do I. Top CFery

On the off chance that you aren't the trolliest troll to ever troll, the opposite if true. Expecting someone who says you are welcome to join them for a birthday dinner to pay for you is Top CFery. But of course the cheekiest fuckers always think it's everyone else is wrong.

malmi · 19/04/2019 08:40

Took me far too long to work out that it would be your auntie's birthday too. It made more sense after that

Sparkletastic · 19/04/2019 08:43

But as to the matter in hand I think your dad's only mistake was making this into a wider family event rather than just your immediate family. At the point he did that then it needed to become a joint celebration for both twins. Not that he should pay for everyone - just that it needed to be planned to suit both parties.

Poloshot · 19/04/2019 08:45

Don't bother with the weirdo

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/04/2019 08:55

Some posters are so pretentious it's unbelievable. I cant say I've ever been invited to join in a celebratory meal out and expected the host to pay - the clue is invited to join in.

Obviously some posters are these mythical high 6 figure earners who don't balk at shelling out £80-£100 a head for swathes of family and friends to take over a restaurant. I've yet , ever to see anyone pick up an entire bill, unless its a funeral wake, and even then the 'free bar' is going out of fashion

What some posters are enforcing is the socio-economic divide - and they'll be the pretentious prats who say they Vote Labour to represent the 'poor people' - and are ultimately saying - unless you can cover everyone's bill, you cannot ever have a birthday or wedding or meal out and invite people.

Petalflowers · 19/04/2019 09:00

I’m a twin and wouldn’t be offended by the invite. It’s not on the actual day, and it’s a family celebration plus relatives. I’m sure twin would also be toasted alongside the original twin, and I imagine it will end up being a joint celebration anyway.

UserName31456789 · 19/04/2019 09:04

You set up a facebook page, invited people but are expecting them to pay for themselves?

I wouldn't have a problem paying for my own meal out. Whenever I go out to a restaurant for a friend's birthday I pay for myself.

UserName31456789 · 19/04/2019 09:06

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

Exactly what I was thinking. We're actually fairly high earning and so are some of our friends and when we've been invited to come to a meal out in a restaurant it's always assumed you pay for yourself. Otherwise it would be ridiculously expensive. It would be different if they were hosting a party at their home or if it was a wedding with a set meal.

cliquewhyohwhy · 19/04/2019 09:08

I have never in my life for any friends or family birthday meals expected the host or invitee to pay for me or my family!

Like you said OP give it a few days and approach your auntie, hopefully things will of settled down and you can explain things to her.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 19/04/2019 09:08

It's not a family do. It is a husband surprising his wife. The twin has her own celebrations which don't include her sister.

Just leave them be, don't let them ruin a nice thing. If they come back/push it again then you can be firmer.

maddening · 19/04/2019 09:19

Wheeler you genuinely can't understand that people do things differently to the way you do? This comes across as quite small minded.

AnnieMay100 · 19/04/2019 09:24

Not U to organise a meal for wife/mother only, they’ll be sharing the actual birthday together already. Toddler twins joint party normal - adult twins tend to go their seperate way and have things booked by own families as you are. Don’t chase her just continue with your plan.

Acis · 19/04/2019 09:38

If you can't afford it don't do it? There's plenty of things I'd love to do but I can't afford. Reality of life.

So you would rather tell someone you love that they can't have the meal out with their nearest and dearest that they want because (a) you can't afford it and (b) you don't want to ask them to pay for themselves, even though they're perfectly happy to do so?

mindutopia · 19/04/2019 09:45

I think that sounds fine and I would just leave it. I am very middle class and I have never been invited out to dinner to celebrate anything where the expectation wasn’t that we’d pay our own way, except maybe by parents or when it was our birthdays. To make a big show of paying for the whole table would seem really showy and OTT and make everyone feel awkward.

Sarahandco · 19/04/2019 09:47

Maybe she is worried that she will not be treated the same and it is of course both their birthdays. I don't think you have done anything wrong but I would probably send her a message to the effect of -

I am sorry, in hindsight, I should have included you in the surprise as it is your birthday too! Mum would love it if you were both together for a meal on your birthday. I know it is no longer a surprise for you but will you still come I will spoil you both!

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