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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow ex to take the DC to family this week - sil with mental health issues

31 replies

Stillpinching · 18/04/2019 20:46

I had a thread last week stating that sil has reported having thoughts of hurting the DC. I can't do links on my phone but it's a recent thing AFAIK and I was informed by a social worker.

I emailed ex about it ( we barely speak unfortunately) hoping he would reassure me that the DC would not be visiting her - I imagine this would be distressing for her in any case- and just wanting to discuss it a bit for reassurance.

The email I got back was horrible. He basically told me it was none of my business and that he would not be discussing his sister with me. I get that he's upset and I genuinely do feel for the whole family but my priority is the DC. He seems to have gone on defensive mode and I feel he'll put his sister first it comes to it, but in fact she probably doesn't want to see them anyway. I think she's in hospital now anyway but I feel like he'll make a point of taking them to see her to stick two fingers up at me. I don't know, I'm probably being irrational but I feel I can't trust him to keep them safe.

DC are 12 and 10 and don't really enjoy going to his family anyway but would I be wrong to stop him taking them in these circumstances?

OP posts:
ScreamScreamIceCream · 18/04/2019 20:48

How do you plan on stopping him?

saraclara · 18/04/2019 20:51

What did the social worker recommend you do? And whose social worker is she?

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 18/04/2019 20:52

Children aren't usually allowed into psychiatric units, have you checked if this happens in your NHS trust.
Secondly, if the SW thought it was enough to call you, did they not advise you of what would happen about visits?
Tricky situation, especially as your ex seems like a bit of a bell end.

Original poster
Stillpinching · 18/04/2019 20:55

As to stopping him I would inform him by email and not drop them off at his. I don't know what he'd then do- probably send a nasty email back.

Social worker advised talking to him and I don't know whose she was. It was a safeguarding call I guess. I wish I'd got a name but it was an early morning call that woke me in the holidays and I was completely shocked by what she said.

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/04/2019 20:59

If you didn't retain what the social worker said, then you need to call social services again, and ask for advice. It seems extremely odd that she didn't give you a name or contact details.

Original poster
Stillpinching · 18/04/2019 21:01

I retained everything. She gave me a first name and then told me the situation. I wouldn't know who to contact - I'm in a different city from sil. I don't really know why I need more information from social services tbh. My business is my DC.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 18/04/2019 21:08

Your services May be county wide. Give them a call and tell them what you know.
Tbh if they rang you then they are concerned, update them on your ex planning to take them to visit.

CordeliaWyndamPryce · 18/04/2019 21:16

I don't really know why I need more information from social services tbh

You need to know if they advise keeping the DC away for a set amount of time, or supervised visits only. If you want to refuse contact for your DC with their father you need a very good reason and if he's going against advice you've been given by social services that is good enough imo. So, for example, if they say supervised visits are fine you can't refuse contact if he visits her with them. But if they say no visits then refusing contact if he takes them is sensible.

I'd also ask them to speak directly to DCs father so it isn't just coming from you.

NWQM · 18/04/2019 21:16

I think too think you should ring back and see if they can support the fact that they shouldn't visit. At least then the concern is logged.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/04/2019 21:22

He hasnt said he is taking them to see her, he said he didn't want to discuss her with you. And that is his choice he may find it very difficult to discuss, for any number of reasons. Has he ever put them in any danger? If not then you should trust him.

Home77 · 18/04/2019 21:31

Does it mean your DC or her DC she has thoughts of harming? Sometimes people have intrusive thoughts- it does not mean they always act on such thoughts. for example PND mothers may have thoughts of harming the baby. I was unsure if you meant your DC or her own.

I take it the DC would be supervised by others during any visits and she would not be alone with them?

Bambamber · 18/04/2019 21:38

Do you know the full details of her illness? Sometimes these situations can be very complex.

I have a family member who is very seriously unwell. When their psychosis gets bad they are a danger to themselves and those around them, this is not just hypothetical, they have self harmed and attacked others. They still see my daughter. It is done in a controlled environment with lots of supervision, and it usually brings a little light into their darkness.

If your SIL is hospitalised due to mental illness, visitors cannot just rock up. I highly doubt the hospital would allow children to visit.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/04/2019 21:42

If your SIL is hospitalised due to mental illness, visitors cannot just rock up. I highly doubt the hospital would allow children to visit

So if a parent is in hospital how do they see their children if they have them? Of course children can visit if appropriate and safe.

fr33d0m · 18/04/2019 22:08

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user1493413286 · 18/04/2019 22:10

Unless he assured me that DC wouldn’t be seeing her then I wouldn’t allow him to have them

WellThisIsShit · 18/04/2019 22:24

I’d phone back and ask specifically what they expect you to do, it may be she’s imagining your ex will have a sensible response and be a protective force in your dc’s life, and needs to knowthis isn’t the case.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/04/2019 23:13

@fr33d0m an attention seeking fruit loop is a disgusting way to describe someone with a mental illness.

Susanna30 · 18/04/2019 23:23

I would not be handing my children over, with the possibility they may be interacting with someone who has had thoughts of harming them. The situation is serious enough for a social work to call you directly. This is not something to be taken with a pinch of salt.

If I were in your shoes, I would keep the DC with me until there has been a proper, adult conversation about the situation and what your ex intends to do with the DC while in his care. I would want to get what the social worker said in writing along with precautions they recommend you take regarding possible contact with the unwell relative. You're perfectly within your rights (and sensible) to require reassurance.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/04/2019 23:41

I would not be handing my children over, with the possibility they may be interacting with someone who has had thoughts of harming them

Why would you be handing them over ? You'd be visiting ,just like you'd visit someone in hospital if they had a broken leg.

She had thoughts of harm,she didn't harm the children.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 23:48

How do you think SS got your number?

Someone within your Exs family must have made SS aware that your Ex SIL has contact with your DC in order to have contacted you in the first place.

It really would be sensible to have the full name of the SW and ask more questions as you're fully awake and not shocked.

They may not be able to tell you more, but they might be able to say they'd had an anonymous report and your DC could be at risk.

Original poster
Stillpinching · 19/04/2019 07:08

I think I'll keep the DC with me until ex agress to discuss it further. I think he gave the social worker my number- she said she had just got off the phone to him and apologised for not speaking to me first but she hadn't realised we weren't together. He probably didn't want to give it but had no choice..

I just don't see what they or she would get from a visit now. I can also imagine that in a few months she may have recovered from this episode and ex will go back to normal and leave ds2 with her as he has done before.

OP posts:
opinionatedfreak · 19/04/2019 07:52

But when she is well she is unlikely to pose a risk.

Lots of horrible misconceptions on here about mental illness.

Unless your Ex DP has form for endangering his children/ignoring professional advice you really shouldn't withhold contact for this.

Even a supervised hospital visit is likely to be safe.

DOI: close family member has a significant and enduring mental health condition. It makes their life really difficult but the thing that really holds them back is stigma surrounding it.

swingofthings · 19/04/2019 08:06

Did the social worker actually said it would be dangerous for your OH to have them if he took them to his family? I guess not or you wouldn't be wondering whehterj to keep them or not.

I think ensuring your kids are not left alone with her at any time is perfectly reasonable. Saying that he can't to his parents when s'il is in hospital is totally unreasonable.

Singlenotsingle · 19/04/2019 08:12

He needs to give you reassurances that, based on what the SW has said, he won't take the dc to visit SIL. If he won't do that, he doesn't get the kids! Simples!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/04/2019 08:13

Well, if the same social worker spoke to him you can just reply that you don't expect him to discuss his sister with you but you do expect him to listen when social services flag up possible issues for his children. It would be nice if he kept you in the loop, for your children's sake and that it was something of a shock to get an ealry morning phone call on the matter. He could have been far more proactive and helpful, for his children's sake.

You could add that you won't be going against any SS recommendation, no matter what his thoughts!

Basically stop letting him be the leader in this. Hand it back to him all the time - for his children's sake.