To not allow ex to take the DC to family this week - sil with mental health issues

[Stillpinching]

I had a thread last week stating that sil has reported having thoughts of hurting the DC. I can't do links on my phone but it's a recent thing AFAIK and I was informed by a social worker.

I emailed ex about it ( we barely speak unfortunately) hoping he would reassure me that the DC would not be visiting her - I imagine this would be distressing for her in any case- and just wanting to discuss it a bit for reassurance.

The email I got back was horrible. He basically told me it was none of my business and that he would not be discussing his sister with me. I get that he's upset and I genuinely do feel for the whole family but my priority is the DC. He seems to have gone on defensive mode and I feel he'll put his sister first it comes to it, but in fact she probably doesn't want to see them anyway. I think she's in hospital now anyway but I feel like he'll make a point of taking them to see her to stick two fingers up at me. I don't know, I'm probably being irrational but I feel I can't trust him to keep them safe.

DC are 12 and 10 and don't really enjoy going to his family anyway but would I be wrong to stop him taking them in these circumstances?

Sorry I don't want to drip-feed or be offensive about mental health issues but one of the reasons I'm not keen on them visiting her in the future is before this happened she had upset ds2 by repeatedly calling him skinny. I had emailed ex about this and got no reply but ds2 had told me that his dad had said he is skinny and it's none of my business. Now I feel that ex definitely won't intervene if sil makes these comments in the future as he'll be even less likely to want to upset her in any way. Ds2 in particular hates visiting ex's family and I'm not at all sure I should be enabling it to happen but also not at all sure I can stop it. The mental health issue is just another complication.

The social worker told me that ex had told her they only make fleeting visits to sil, but that's certainly not been the case up to now. He was either lying or it's his intention for the future but I don't know because he won't bloody discuss it!

I'm not at all sure I should be enabling it to happen but also not at all sure I can stop it. You should intervene, you are their mother. And they are old enough now tro start making their own decisions. Your ex will lose them if he does not listen to them.

Whatver he does you have to keep your children feeling safe, that they can talk to you, express their fears and uncertainties. Even if that does mean supporting them in not going to see their dad if he won't put them first!

Ds1 is old enough to make his own decisions, and obvs ds2 won't want to go on his own. Listen to them! Their happiness is what's important.

Ex-SIL's condition is none of your business. If you dont think he is responsible enough to keep him safe then by all means stop contact and go to court. But you cant just stop him from seeing his children because he wont discuss his sister with you. Do you really think he will let his children get hurt? Like other people have said intrusive thoughts are just thoughts. It doesn't mean she's going to act on them.

If the social worker says to keep them away then you might have a leg to stand on in court. That should be were to go for clarity on the situation.

What did the social worker say? As another poster stated up-thread normal harmless people can have upsetting intrusive thoughts (e.g. from things like Postnatal Depression or OCD) which don't mean anything- they are literally just thoughts.

On the other hand if she has a more significant condition such as a Psychotic condition then Social Services were right to contact you and I totally understand your concerns.

I think the former is actually more likely than the latter though.

For a social worker to have called and inform you, there would have been a significant risk. This would mean potential for SIL to actually harm the DCs and not just intrusive thoughts. I regularly deal with social workers in a professional capacity and it's incredibly difficult to get full name or contact details from them. I would search your phone for the call details and ring the duty desk for guidance. Your ex sounds like a complete prick, but I doubt that's news to you.