Visitors after birth AIBU

[MissMilly88]

Hi, I'm due to have my first baby in a few weeks time and I've started feeling anxious about visitors after birth. My partners family live 3 hours away and understandably will want to come and visit as soon as baby is born (they plan on coming as soon as I'm in established labour). They would probably book in to a hotel near us etc. Which is obviously fine.
I suppose my concern is that they can be very intense and aren't great at picking up cues if we need some time alone etc. They've always been this way and I've accepted it as I don't want to cause upset. I suppose I'm anxious that depending on how labour etc. I'll probably need some time to myself and my partner to establish feeding and just trying to rest a little.
I've spoken to my parents about this and they completely understand and said they will be guided by me.
I've broached this with my partner and he was really offended and says they should be allowed to do what they like as it's their grandchild etc. I would be happy with them being around if they respected my private space but they rarely do and when normally visiting are in our home from 9am until 10pm for the days they are down. Its really intense and claustrophobic at the best of times. The added element here also is that his mum is unwell and we don't know how many years she will have left (which my partner reminded me of). I'm in no way preventing anyone seeing their grandchild but is it unreasonable to expect a little breathing space first?
I'm fully aware I am probably over thinking everything and that'll it'll all be OK but welcome honest feedback. Thanks :)

Tricky if you partner is not backing you up. Does he know about the reality of women’s health post birth and what it’s like to have a new born?

Remember you and baby will need frequent naps upstairs.

I would fuck off to the bedroom for a few days. You can't do a great deal and you will be feeding often.

He already has a child and his ex was difficult about letting anyone near his sonc(PND I think) so I think he just wants this to be a much more positive experience. I don't want to hurt or offend anyone but I equally don't want this to be unpleasant and stressful for me either.

Lots of DHs family came down the day I was out of hospital after an extended stay due to my health then the baby's. I'd agreed to this, but tbh I don't think either of us were thinking straight at that point, what with the worry and being knackered.

I like them all a lot and we get on, but I was feeling unwell from the medication as well as exhausted and ended up leaving them to DH and went upstairs to bed with DH bringing DS up for feeds.

If your DH really won't back you up can you just disappear?

It sounds like maybe his ex was the reasonable one and him the unreasonable one if he thinks it’s OK to ignore his partner who has pushed a baby out of her vagina/had major surgery and is coping with being a Mum to keep his parents happy. A situation like this makes PND more likely.

Don’t let the worry get worse and worse , your partner definitely won’t understand until he sees you give birth and then he’ll be so in awe by you that he will fully support you. If this doesn’t happen you’ve got a husband problem not an inlaw one.

Take each moment as it happens and try not to overthink it. When baby arrives you might be so happy and excited you’ll want to show him off to everyone and share the excitement .
Alternatively you may be exhausted , overwhelmed and just want your other half , or your mum; equally that is perfectly acceptable.
Definitely be fair and ensure his family get to meet and see their grandchild within a reasonable amount of time but don’t feel pressured over and above that.
It’s a very exciting time for all involved , but you come first .

Absolutely far too long to be staying. Unless they’re going to be doing jobs around the house for you? My step mil and Gil did this. I ended up bawling my eyes out and shut myself in a bedroom. My fil told me to “cheer up” after I’d had the birth from hell, my baby had screamed constantly for 5 days straight and I’d had no sleep, and I had them sitting around in the lounge asking for cups of tea. I wanted to punch him.

My mum has said I could go to hers as they have a much bigger house than us and then the in laws could visit us there. It's a lovely idea as it would certainly be less intense but obviously I'd prefer to be at my own home. I think the idea of disappearing upstairs is a good one.

In the hospital, the staff will tell them to leave if your not up to visitors/too tired.
At home, just go up to bed and sleep and leave dp and his parents to keep an eye on baby, dp can bring baby up to you if needing fed, don't run about after them/do anything that you dont want to do, and certainly dont let them sit in your house for that length of time that is ridiculous, hopefully once dp has actually seen you go through labour, experienced sleepless nights he might be a bit more understanding, but you might have to stand up for you and your baby if they stay too long or expect too much.

important to lay down some ground rules now (with your partner more so than with your in laws, as he will need to do the negotiating with his family): your right to bond with your newborn trumps the his parent's right to access to their grandchild EVERY SINGLE TIME you need have piece and quiet to feed and rest

Well it will be a much more positive experience of parenthood if he bothers to support you at a very difficult and vulnerable time.

I had to spell it out to my DH, I am pushing a person, whom I've spent a long time growing, out of my vagina. It hurts and is fucking exhausting. I then need to figure out this small human because they don't come with a manual. If you would like the baby to grow up with 2 parents then you will support me and limit visiting times. Otherwise, the baby's first few weeks and possibly their whole life will be away from home.

He understood eventually and, certainly after seeing labour and birth, stood up for me brilliantly.

Ihatehashtags that sounds horrendous, poor you! My in laws are similar in expecting us to wait on them hand and foot.

Sauvignonblanc thanks for the advice, I'm definitely over thinking things. I hope when baby is here that common sense with prevail.

99 yes I can see where you are coming from!

If your OH wont act as your gatekeeper then my advice is don’t worry about being rude. Have them come when the baby is born, don’t offer them a cuppa or care how the house looks, take the baby upstairs if you want, remind them you need to sleep when the baby sleeps and take yourself off.

When I had my first, I had a tricky delivery and felt absolutely shocking for a good few weeks. I refused all visitors in hospital, and my parents popped in for an hour on about day 3 when I got home. My in-laws came down one week later for a day, and honestly I just spent the whole day pretty much crying in my bedroom trying to feed my baby who was having trouble latching (tongue tied) and feeling completely uncomfortable with a crowd of people in my house. They didn’t leave until evening either, and I was begging DH to ask them to go. It was awful.
With my second it was so much smoother and I would have been fine with visitors for a bit the next day, you just don’t know how it will go!

Absolutely no way would I be telling them when you are in labour! At least wait and see how it goes, and if you feel up to it they can come the next day or a few days later. Your needs as a new mum completely trump your DH’s mum’s needs in this. And your feelings trump DH’s here too IMO! It’s not fair to use her illness as a reason to disregard your feelings - you’re not saying she can’t see the baby, just a few days grace until you’re not bleeding like a fountain and probably still shell-shocked from labour isn’t a lot to ask!

There’s a few things you could discuss with your partner and his parents in advance and you might feel better about things and feel you’ve planted a few seeds about how you’d like things to go. First of all, is setting off when you are in established labour necessary? You could for many reasons (hopefully none too serious) need to stay in hospital, in which case they’d be governed by hospital visiting times and restriction on numbers. Could you suggest they only set off when they know whether you’ll be heading home or staying in hospital. In the first few days you’ll have midwife visits and they will be very keen to see your baby is gaining weight. Having people around can actually be good for establishing confidence in feeding in public later on and for digesting some of the advice the midwives May be offering. Pick your biggest concern about things and deal with that, such as asking if they would definitely leave at a certain time. If you make all of this out as asking them to be helpful I’m sure they will want to oblige. Good luck

Thank you all for the advice. Its good to know that I'm not thinking selfishly. I hope that when the time comes he will be supportive of what I'm saying. He's quite blinkered at the moment as his mum isn't great health wise, which I understand entirely. He's generally a supportive, loving person. Hopefully when the main event (!) happens it will all be OK.

The reality is that you don't know how you will feel until you give birth. I wanted visitors, not everyone does.

I agree about not telling them I'm in labour. As you've said, who knows how it might all go. I think I'll have another chat with him another day soon and explain all this.

"They should be able to do as they like, it's their grandchild". NO, NO, NO and again NO. They don't get to do what they like, you will have carried your baby for 40 weeks, gone through labour and birth - that means YOU get to what you like. You and the baby are priority, not the grand parents and I think your husband needs to be told this in no uncertain terms. You are not denying the GPs time with the baby, however you need your rest and you shouldn't be expected to be waiting on anyone except your baby. I hope your husband sees reason and backs you up on this.

Get them to visit you in the hospital and have a quiet word with a midwife or HCA and they'll usher them out after an hour or so

Child trumps grandchild.

No no no. No telling anyone when you're in labour. You have no idea how long the labour will be or how smoothly it'll go, so don't give them the green light to come down to visit prematurely. Who knows, they might even show up at the hospital and sit in the hospital cafeteria, anxiously awaiting your news. The best thing to do is phone them after the baby has arrived and you've had a few hours to bond. By the time they come down to visit you've already had a good few hours to yourself or even a day (if you deliver at a late hour and they can't come on the same day.)

I was in a very similar situation to you. We didn't tell anyone when I was in labour. That solved the first part of the problem.

Then, when we announced the birth we said we'll let you know as soon as we want visitors. Don't come before then please.
My first visitor was 1.5-2 weeks after the baby was born. I was out and about the day after giving birth but I just didn't fancy visitors for a while and that's a decision I and you are entitled to make without having to explain or justify yourself to anyone.

I think my partner just can't see past his first experience with his son and wants this to be extra special. Ultimately it will depend on how the birth is and how I'm feeling but I'd rather preempt it now so that he could have a quiet word with them about when is suitable to come and visit. He just came over to me and apologised and he could see it was upsetting me. If his parents weren't so intense then I probably wouldn't even be worrying in all honesty.

He wants this to be extra special? Extra special for whom? Not for you, clearly, but for his parents. He's being selfish.

I would also pre-empt a discussion now, so it doesn't lead to raised expectations or false hopes.