Visitors after birth AIBU

[MissMilly88]

Hi, I'm due to have my first baby in a few weeks time and I've started feeling anxious about visitors after birth. My partners family live 3 hours away and understandably will want to come and visit as soon as baby is born (they plan on coming as soon as I'm in established labour). They would probably book in to a hotel near us etc. Which is obviously fine.
I suppose my concern is that they can be very intense and aren't great at picking up cues if we need some time alone etc. They've always been this way and I've accepted it as I don't want to cause upset. I suppose I'm anxious that depending on how labour etc. I'll probably need some time to myself and my partner to establish feeding and just trying to rest a little.
I've spoken to my parents about this and they completely understand and said they will be guided by me.
I've broached this with my partner and he was really offended and says they should be allowed to do what they like as it's their grandchild etc. I would be happy with them being around if they respected my private space but they rarely do and when normally visiting are in our home from 9am until 10pm for the days they are down. Its really intense and claustrophobic at the best of times. The added element here also is that his mum is unwell and we don't know how many years she will have left (which my partner reminded me of). I'm in no way preventing anyone seeing their grandchild but is it unreasonable to expect a little breathing space first?
I'm fully aware I am probably over thinking everything and that'll it'll all be OK but welcome honest feedback. Thanks :)

I can see why his ex had pnd.
Stand up for yourself op.
He shouldn’t be telling anyone when your in labour and they can only come at specified times eg, morning 1030-1230 go get lunch then pop in for couple of hours later. Same with your parents, they are going to be grandparents too.

Your first child, not his and not the first grandchild for them, either. They can get to fuck trying to stay all day. Visitors are great, but only on your terms and for as long as you want. If your dp won't stick up for you and insists on them staying, get your parents to rescue you.

*they plan on coming as soon as I'm in established labour

he was really offended and says they should be allowed to do what they like as it's their grandchild*

No, no and fucking NO. They are being too overbearing and his attitude absolutely stinks. If DP spoke to me like that when I was about to give birth, I would have lost my shit. You are not a fucking incubator.

Don't tell them when you're in labour... though given his lack of regard for your wishes your DP possibly will?

You need to speak to DP before the baby is born about what you want and need. He NEEDS to be onside supporting you.

No wonder his ex had PND.

I had the quickest smoothest birth.

A few tears and a stitch or two needed but really good .

I was shattered / high but shattered , followed by the fact my little guy didn’t sleep for 2 -3 weeks ( but of a blur )

I was bleeding, sore, and very emotional.

It Is your baby and birth as well as his, and it needs to be special for you too, bearing in mind that you have carried us baby for9 months resulting in all those side effects.

So could he not compromise rather than ruin your experience too?? If it is life or death that his mum is there straight away then set the expectation on time present, or allow you with out repercussion to nap/ recover upstairs with little one being brought up for feeding.
Your going to feel like Jodi g away and nesting for a while I had visits 2 days after but literally an hour or so ... big visits started when sleep did x. X

Being able to do what they like because it’s their grandchild is garbage. They are not the parent so it is not up to them. Personally I think your husband’s statement is as ridiculous as saying “they should be able to do what they like because it’s their next door neighbour”.

You rightly point out that you will be trying to establish feeding and you will be exhausted from labour. It is 100% your decision. Making them wait a few hours isn’t going to kill them.

I think it’s fine but all in how it is handled.
Just go upstairs with the baby if you want to get away. You never know, you may actually want to get away from the baby for a little bit to sleep as well (I know I did) and they can come in handy there.

If you and baby go upstairs then DH can put them to work - DF would you mind popping that load of washing on and hanging it out please. DM, thanks so much for making some cuppa’s and some sandwiches would also be appreciated. They will soon get the lay of the land and may be happy to be there and pitch in while giving the space needed.

I think this is a situation that requires you (or rather, your DP) to be very direct and clear. when you call them to say you're in labour and they start on their journey say to them "we will be very knackered when we bring the baby home. We're really looking forward to seeing you but I apologise in advance for us not being able to spend all day every day with you, as DW will be recovering from birth and we'll need a bit of space".

When they do visit, after they've hung around the house for a few hours your DP needs to just say to them "right, we're both knackered and DW is still recovering from birth so we're going to head upstairs for some family time now. It was lovely to see you, let us know what time you're popping in tomorrow" and then he needs to get up and walk towards the door, ready to open it for them. If they actually accuse him of kicking them out then he should just laugh lightheartedly and say "sorry mum but yes, I'm kicking you out now so we can have a bit of alone time. Love you very much, thanks so much for coming, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow" and then open the door for them. Be easy breezy about it, hug them goodbye. Wait for them to walk through the door. WILL THEM TO WALK THROUGH IT.

This plan only works if your DP is strong enough to do this. If you agree to this plan and he lets you down then just say "right, me and the baby are going upstairs for a feed and a nap, I'll see you all tomorrow" and just bugger off. Don't go back downstairs to be polite. Let DP hang around with them downstairs. After his parents eventually leave bollock him for being a wuss.

You have to set ground rules now - don't wait until baby arrives.
Firstly, don't tell them when you're in labour.
Secondly, choose your ground rule ie having a week alone before ANY visitors.
Thirdly, make sure they understand that things don't always go to plan (we ended up in hospital for 3 weeks and only me and DH were allowed to see DS in ITU).
Fourthly, if you do allow visitors from day one then set times with them now.

I'm also due in a few weeks and have been quite worried about visitors after birth. Not because anyone is overbearing or would out stay their welcome but because there are just so many unknowns.

I don't know how labour and birth will be. I don't know how feeding and sleeping will be and the amount of emotion during that time must be really intense. Plus apparently a couple of days post birth you just cry and cry.

In addition to this I want time for the 3 of us to adjust to life as a family and work out what an earth we are doing. DH initially thought I was being really weird about it but I think he now understands more.

I definitely wouldn't tell anyone you are in labour. I think that would feel like added pressure. Ultimately your DH needs to respect you here and understand you will be going through things that he can't imagine.
Booking a lunch out for them somewhere sounds a good idea. So they can come and meet the baby and there's a set time limit before they leave. Using your Mums for an afternoon sounds good too as you and the baby can leave when you need to. Hopefully he will see he's being unreasonable and you are being very reasonable x

You really need to get your DH to see things from your point of view. Then establish ground rules and make sure you stick to them. Maybe allow them to visit for a few hours each day but no more. You will be tired and need to have lots of quiet time with your baby to establish feeding and bond with them.

My ILs wanted to come as soon as my DD was born. They were flying in from France and staying for a week at our house (pretty rural, no hotels nearby). They are also the kind of people, who don't do much by themselves, so would have to be cooked for etc. I put my foot down and said NO WAY! I was not going to have houseguests for three weeks. At first DH thought this to be unkind but he soon realised the wisdom of it. I had a tricky birth and was in hospital for four days. My feet were swelling up so much I could not walk for several days after. I was breastfeeding at all hours. And there were a few nights when DD would not sleep at all and we were both bawling our eyes out...

When ILs did come, it was still tough but at least I had some time to recover somewhat. I also regularly buggered off to my bedroom to feed and nap, leaving DH to take care of his family.

Here's what I would do in your place (and what I did back then). Let them come if it is so important to your DH, but make it very clear that you will be looking after the baby and only the baby and he will take care of his family by himself. You spend an hour or whatever time you feel comfortable with them, but putting your feet up and doing absolutely nothing. As soon as you and/or baby have enough you scoop up baby, announce it's time for a feed (works best if you are breastfeeding) and a nap and toddle off to your bedroom. Prepare your bedroom with bottles of water or juice and some snacks. Tell ILs and DH that you will see them for lunch, which DH will prepare all by himself. Lock the bedroom door if necessary and relax. In the afternoon repeat as needed. It only took my DH one incident of MIL insisting that he wake DD to understand that nap times were sacred and that it was best to listen to me when it came to DD's needs.

3 hours is not very far, there is absolutely no need for them to come down when labour starts. At the earliest they shouldn't leave until they get a phone call saying baby has been born. You will need at least 3 hours after birth before visitors arrive anyway (to eat something, get cleaned up, probably have stitches and also spend time getting to meet your baby), so it's not like they will miss anything. They can't visit until you're on the postnatal ward and its visiting hours. Even then you could be kept in hospital for a few days so they will be waiting around and only able to come during visiting hours.

As for afterwards, you say they're not great at picking up cues - you need to make the cues more obvious. Just tell them you're tired so it's time for them to go home, see you soon! Or just say you're tired and need to go for a nap, and go upstairs.

Thank you all for the advice its really appreciated. I'm going to be firmer with him and make him realise its not personal per se and that I don't need this anxiety leading up to the birth. If they come down despite what I say I will definitely be keeping out of their way with the baby to do what I need to do.

Good luck speaking to your partner!
I was in a really similar position. My inlaws appeared at the side of my hospital bed 12 hours after I'd given birth (they live 4 hours away), insisted on holding the baby and posing for photos and DD came back to me smelling like them, it was hideous. I was exhausted and too shellshocked (premature baby) to say no.
They then appeared at our house every weekend for the next 3 weeks from Friday to Sunday, on two occasions bringing additional family members. They sat in our house for 12 hours a day, never once lifting a finger and expecting me and DH to feed them. I'll never quite get over it I think.

I'm due number 2 soon and DH is preparing to tell them they are absolutely not coming down until we are ready for visitors, and to assume it will be 2 weeks. They also won't be staying at our house, but a hotel and can pop in throughout the day. I'm mentally much better prepared for it, and if I need to Ill take myself and baby upstairs or to my mums to avoid them overwhelming me.

Really hope you get the calm, quiet and not overwhelming first few weeks you will need and deserve.

I think people forget/don’t realise how a mum can feel after giving birth. I was in hospital for 2 nights after my 1st and my aunty and uncle (Who I’m not close with) turned up which I was so annoyed about.
2nd baby I was out within 5 hours and we chose to go straight to my OHs parents.
I didn’t breastfeed but if you are the first few days/week you’ll want to establish that and not be passing the baby around.
As for coming up when you’re in labour m, I would absolutely put my foot down at that! What if you’re in hospital for a week?

MissMilly88 have you/he read up about oxytocin in labour and for breast feeding/reality of having a newborn. NCT courses, the positive birth book and positive birth company hypnobirthing all mention things related to this.

All scientific research says you need to be happy and calm in labour to have a positive experience.